One year ago today, we went out together for the first time. 

this new year's eve, im alone. 

i dont know what to say about the chalet. perhaps i expected too much. yeah it might not be as fun as last year anymore but i didnt expect such disparity in the fun i had.

first day
we went to giant to shop for bbq items. i put my wallet and phone in the trolley and push the trolley. i left the trolley to look for things and they just pushed the trolley away and continue shopping for other items.i couldnt find them, i walked for rounds and i almost cried. it reminded me of those fked up moments i had with the group of people.
at night, they went down for a swim and some drank. i was sleepy and decided to just sleep and everyone went down to play. this reminded me of the PAP chalet two years back where i just slept through the whole thing. i was afraid this chalet would be a repetition of it.

second day
i spoilt sf's phone. i dont dare to ask him about it. but i knew i have to do something.

last day
i passed him money for his phone and he told me to fuck off


i dont know what should i feel. i didnt really regret going, but i didnt enjoy it either. i think it would be so much more fun if me and sf were like we were in the past. i wish i didnt have to avoid places and conversations that sf is in. i wish i didnt have to feel so damn awkward. i wish i can have as much fun as i had last year. i wish, i didnt have to wish for anything

one year ago around this time, we started talking. 

*pushes money to him*

"我有的是錢"

"有錢也不是這樣花，是我弄壞你的電話的"

*shakes head and reject as i continue to push the money to him*

"just fuck off la"

ok

i sent sf another msg again. i said i miss him and if he wanna movie tmr. as expected he didnt reply. but there werent any blue ticks as well even tho he was online. so he dont even bother opening the conversation...? or he just delete the whole chat away without even reading it? i dont know man. but why must u be like this. at least give me some response? i rly dont mind if its gonna hurt me because i deserve it anyway. but cant u just reply me?! am i really out of ur life completely alr? how can u say not care jiu no care. must u really treat me so badly omg :( i dont even know why im going to the chalet whn there will be like 8 guys i dont know. i am not looking forwrd to it but i want to go. i guess because u are going thats why i want to go so badly. i just hope that perhaps we can talk, i dont even mind if its just one or two sentences :(

sometimes i really dont know why must everyone treat me so mean like as if i deserve it. not like i treat them mean, i am really nice to them but i am still being treated like trash. what am i srsly? just because i dont rage or i just laugh it off everytime people think its ok to treat me like rubbish. perhaps im just nothing to anyone... perhaps i just dont have the rights to defend myself because i am just nothing. perhaps i deserve all these because i am a really terrible person. perhaps i just do not deserve to being treated nice by ppl. whats new actually? cant believe im crying over such things again. i thought i can just move on from this shit in jc. 

why cant u just reply me. feeling damn horrible and i have no one to talk to. i miss you.....

perhaps i should try again, for the last time. because time is running out/

i texted you to ask if u wanna go home tgt because we were working very near each other. i knew you wouldnt reply.

working at shaw lido tmr. i thought u work at shaw house and for a moment i was so happy i thought i might see you inside. but in the end your restaurant is at shaw centre and its beside shaw house.

why  am i even feeling so shitty when i know u wont even talk to me only when i initiate and the fact that all u care about is her. fuck this i am done with this shit.

i really hate how u are always so mean to me. i mean like i am really nice to u alr and this is what i always get? i know u are joking ya i am fine with it i can take jokes but the thing is when it comes to serious stuff u still joke and dont give a f bout it. like i ask when u all can meet i wanna pass u all the things i bought and u can reply who want meet you sia and thats all, like u really meant it. i am so fking lost and dk what to say man. good job la.