i cant help but feel so fucking shitty. why am i still here? sometimes i just get utterly disappointed in myself. who am i to say carmen? i thjnk i am worse!

"some days are ok, but some days just get rlly rlly bad" i guess this is just one of those days. 

sigh... i am still quite affected by how the awkwardness still remain sometimes. at least for me la. cos i feel it. 

am i doing this right? i rlly dont know... on one hand i feel rlly rlly bad, its like im stealing away everything that used to be hers, but on the other hand, i cant be bothered anymore cos i tried my best. sigh, somehow i still feel rlly bAd... and im pretty sure she is having a bad time. 

sometimes i rlly dont know what u are thinking. it seems like u are thinking of one thing, but u are doing another. or sometimes u just behave damn differently. and it makes me annoyed and confused. am i too sensitive or am i right? i wish theres a way to get over this feeling. i've come to a point to realize that afterall, i dont understand you at all. maybe its because you've changed, or this is just you.. sigh. i dont even know why i am sl sad over this man. it doesnt make sense, you dont deserve it. hais...i rlly rlly miss the old you.

do i honestly deserve this? I REALLY DONT THINK SO. 

i dont even know why am i crying wtf??? FUCK THIS SHIT

it sucks knowing how i dont really mean much to you afterall. cos you were, well, a really big part of my jc life.

i really dont know why i feel so so sad about this....sigh i guess i just have to, as usual, suck it up.

it might really just be our last photo together, why cant u just take it nicely?and it's like the last day of school alr, why cant u just end it properly....

felt kinda sad today that they just walked off without waiting... sigh it just feels like i am v unimportant lor. i know i am too sensitive la but it just brings up alot of memories that i dont rlly wanna rmb

testing waters round 2, hah?

1 month. is time really enough?

我真的覺得快不行了。

im so fking demoralized and scared bc i got a rlly high chance of failing my gp during As omg???? i really dont get why my essay is always out of point when i ALWAYS TRY TO LINK BACK. and its not like my p2 is strong enough to pull my gp up man. so so scary bc if i fail gp i have to retake EVERYTHING. and its not jsut that, i cant retake h2 cse and i have to change my combi if i wna retake. i know i shouldnt even entertain all these thought of retaking and all but it really scares me how bad i did for gp and HOW FUCKING HELPLESS I FEEL BC THERES RLLY NTH I CAN DO TO MAKE MYSELF IMPROVE BC GP IS LIKE LANGUAGE YOU CANT DO MUCH TO HELP. I JUST FEEL SO FUCKING DUMB AND DENSE. WHAT CAN I DO???? FML. and then econs came. i failed my econs. and weihern who didnt rlly study for it actually passed it. i mean its fine he is clever and all but why does it feel that my hard work doesnt pay off at all?? i studied so much more than him and this is what i get. and 'call me econs god', 'see who passed econs?', 'wah didnt study also can pass' from him. fuck this its fine i will suck it up. i am just damn disappointed in myself. am i not doing enough? am i not studying hard enough? am i very lazy? i cant even find someone to rant to or talk about because it's gonna make them feel worse! sigh and i feel damn sad when my close friends dont do well. i rlly rlly want see all of us going into a decent uni and happy with our results. i dont think i can stand seeing them sad. sigh.

what a bad day today... and just right before going home i saw her name on his whatsapp chat. haha great. this is how bad my day can get.