Last night I asked zh about el. He replied me this morning. And he really gave me tips and the way he did his paper. And not just in a sentence or two. And it was really helpful! I'm glad he was willing to help. I really am. Then I asked him more questions, because mr thong haven't replied me. Then the third time. He ended with 'you should ask leonard instead'. I was like oh...okay.  So he felt annoyed. Ah it's okay so I just replied 'he doesn't wants to help. Okay!!' and told myself to never bother zh again. I did ask leo but he gave me like vague replies and all,,then I was like forget it. I told him I was afraid for el and he gave moon faces before I ask something. Or werird things like you are fat zzzz. Rmb I once helped you in cl. Aiya suan le suan le. I kept telling myslf. 

Fking worried for el tmr zz

I was actually expecting a reply from zh on the letter I wrote to him. I put in lots of effort and time in it, from long ago I started planning what to write...how to make my passage sound right and all. Last night, I texted happy bday! Last. At 1159, I wanted him to maybe give me a reply on the letter I gave him. But he didn't even reply. Ah, I guess he was just being nice yesterday because I went down to pass him that present. But I am still very very happy. Now I know he really don't care, then forget it. Forget it.. But I don't get it. In the afternoon he suddenly treated me so well and at night everything's back to sqaure one again, he ignored me. Ahh, forget it. 

Fuck la.... Ha what can I do anyway! 

Two more days to EL. I'm damn scared. I am fucking scared. 

I chanced upon 1111 just now. I wanted to make a wish, the same wish I've always been wishing since sec 2. 

'Zh to talk to me'

Then I thought, eh, don't need already what!

Today, my 3 years worth of 1111 wishes, came true. 

What should be my next wish now?

Happy birthday once again. 

Am so so happy today!!!! I went np to look for zh to pass him the scrap book! And when I was there I initially couldn't find him so I texted him. So yea I saw him and he smiled to me omggg so I walked towards him and passed him the present

Me: 'Happy birthday'

Zh: 'Thanks' *smiling & smiling* so I smiled back too HAHAHA I WAS DAMN HAPPY!! I wanted to say bye and leave then...

Zh: *saw my fnn tb* 'You have fnn?' *smiling and smiling*

Me: 'err yup' *smiling but feel abit awkward coz I damn shy HAHAHAHA*

Zh: 'ohh all the best for Os' *smiling and smiling*

Me: 'thanks haha okay bye!!'  *smiling* I WAS SO SO HAPPY HAHAHAHAH

Zh: 'bye' *still smiling*

Then we walked separate paths! I turn to have another glance when I saw him again quite far away and he smiled at me again hahaha!!! Omg la this is like the first time he's smiling at me! And somemore for so long HAHAHAHA WAH I DAMN HAPPY LA!!! And I didn't expect him to strike a convo with me!!! Even tho it was short HAHA I expected myself to pass it to him, say happy bday and leave! Haha wah that moment when we talked right, I wished it was forever!

 Okay I'm more motivated now!!!! Must work hard! Gosh HAHAHAH SO HAPPY n_n

Happy birthday zhenhao. I love you. 

HAHA ".... Dont talk to me!"

Final draft

Hi zhenhao! Firstly happy birthday! I've things to say!

Everytime I go to JJ Lin's autograph session, I'd always leave feeling really disappointed and sad because I couldn't get a chance to take a picture with him. I still remember during youth cup, I really wanted to take a photo with you but I didn't have the courage to do so. And I left feeling disappointed and sad. I don't know why, this feeling of disappointment and sadness is the same as the feeling when I failed to take a picture with JJ lin. Perhaps to me, you're like a star, a celebrity. A person that would always remain as a fantasy, a person I would never be with no matter how much I wish. 

I had always been wondering why you never considered me. Is it because i'm not as pretty, or prettier than the girls around you? or my attitude sucks? am i not good enough? not pretty enuf? or i am too fat? to be honest, my aim for weight loss was actually to be as skinny as yaqi, bcoz i knew you had feelings for her. but i eventually couldnt achieve that, and ended up letting my body waste away. 

i know im not a great person. i am not pretty, my actions are rough (even derrick feels that he's more feminine than me!), the way i speak is annoying, i am fat, i am too stubborn. but i have been trying very hard since sec2 to become a better person and to be good enough for you. but i guess i haven't yet done it, or became worse. i don't know. 

even tho we cant be tgt, i thought we could be friends, but when i knew you blocked me off on twitter, refuse to follow me on instagram, not initiating to talk to me, i knew you didnt wanna have any connection with me. 

sometimes i really hate you for treating me this bad. however, i completely understand your purpose in doing these - was to not give me false hopes. 

but pls rmb if by ignoring and distancing from me can make me destroy every false hope I would probably have on you, i'd have given up on you 3 years back. 

so how? you might be thinking. how do u make me finally give up on u? i honestly have no idea. im sorry. 

it's ok that you dont accept me, but pls let me continue liking you. 

I know perhaps because I was never good at words to make you interested in talking to me like how you talk to other girls, so you couldn't be bothered with me when I tried to strike a conversation. But i'm always at the peak of happiness when I talk to you, before deciding to send a message my heart always beats non stop, and when I finally sent it my heart beats even faster. Haha but in the end you didn't reply! I really tried to make conversations interesting but somehow I still fail. I still remember how we used to msn almost every night. I was always the conversation starter, and your replies were like 'k', 'lol', 'no' and I still continued typing and typing. Why was I still trying so hard when it was clear that you do not have mutual feelings? Because I really really liked you. I remember waiting for you to be online so I can talk to you. I remember staying up online until you go offline. I remember using various ways to continue the conversation. I remember you sitting beside me and I was jealous when girls talked or flirted with you. And after reading back those msn conversations I realized the way I talked was just...crude and it was going nowhere. And it was also annoying. I can feel it now. I'm sorry, for being such an annoying person. I didn't mean it, I just wanted to continue the conversation. Now I understand why you avoided me. I was just too 'scary' and disgusting. I'm sorry. 

 I really wish we still talked, like you'll just acknowledge me as your friend. 

 I kept having dreams about you. You have no idea how much I want those dreams to come true. 

I have to admit some things because I felt that you should know. I am sorry to say this but I've tried various ways to make you notice me, making you hopefully have an interest in me. 

The reason I started going church was you. The reason I stopped going church was you. 

Sec3 bday I planned your celebration. 10 people was supposed to share that $45 cake but only 3 paid. I was okay with it

I once went crazy when I knew you had to take 3 strokes. I even said things like if I could I would take a stroke for you. I meant it. 

I blogged about you almost everyday in my private blog, now not so often. In sec2 it was my main blog, I guess you read it often as well. 

Some time in sec2, I once made a call to you using the public phone, when you said hello I hanged up. I just wanted to hear your voice.

In sec3 I became close to derrick because he was close to you. Now not anymore of course. 

In sec2 Facebook had a trend in which pages are named as quotes and people who liked that page it'll show on their wall. I used to like and like those pages to show those quotes to you; how I felt about you. And now I regret liking all those rubbish pages which are spamming on my timeline.

Sec 3. When I was with you alex charmaine shuanghui derrick that group, I was really attention seeking because I wanted your attention. After which I became someone everyone disliked. Jiajun drifted away from me. Shuanghui drifted away from me. Charmaine drifted away from me. 

Sec2. I was over the moon when Malini made us converse for the literature act. But when I saw your face during the act, I knew you were unwilling and wanted it to end ASAP. Everytime I go yewtee I'd think of that time we went her house to rehearse. 

Sec2. I used to put a photo of you and Royce as my desktop wallpaper because I thought you looked cute in that photo. 

Sec2. I was crazily obsessed with you. I downloaded every photo of you and had them kept in a folder in my desktop. There was over 120 photos. Haha now no more of course!!! 

Last year on the next day after prom, I woke up and saw you putting our photo as your profile picture then you had it changed back. But I  received the notification saying you set my photo as your display picture. And when I pressed that notification it's our photo. Was it a prank? Haha I really wanna know 

Till now, I am still really really envious when I see your conversations with girls. I'm not jealous, I'm just envious. Why can't I be one of them. 

I've confessed everything! You might be feeling angry now. I'm sorry I've been a burden to you these years. I hope you're happier now. 

Something I always wanted to know is that throughout these years did you have any feelings for me? Even if it was just a little bit for a short while?

Os are three days away. I still remember the bday text you sent me. Haha I was really happy when I woke up in the middle of the night seeing the text and I was thinking what to reply for a really long time. i totally did not expect it coz i rmbed staying up to wait for you to wish me last year and i ended up getting nothing from you...

but this year on the actual day i was really sad when i realized you did not wish me, i waited till i fell asleep, thinking that you wont anymore. only to see it when i woke up suddenly at 3am. (you were late). Then I felt, so what if no one celebrated my birthday with me, as long as you wished me, I don't care if no one does. 

I will work hard towards my aim. I want to get into a JC. Now I feel this goal is getting harder and harder to reach. Speaking of Os, I am really really afraid I'll fail my EL. I kept on failing paper 2 in prelims and I am super afraid the same thing will happen in Os. I heard you went from a d7 to b3 in Os. Can you help me? I'm really really afraid. Just another 3 more days to my first paper; EL. 

I'm sorry this is such a long letter I felt this is the only platform I can communicate with you!

Lastly, happy birthday!!! I hope you had a great day today! Remember to continue smiling and be happy! Take care and all the best in poly! :)

i'm afraid everyone is starting to dislike me or hate me. no particular symptoms or signs, just that i feel so empty, so lonely. it's just like no one cares. sometimes i wonder if it's wrong, wrong to want my feelings to be taken into consideration

Am I trying too hard? Am I? I dk why I kept thinking bout it. I feel so unfair. Some people can just disregard people's effort and still get friends around them. Why am I always the one being neglected, being thrown here and there? It isn't the fucking first time or first person! Huizhen , xueqi, Wendy, jiajun, tingwei, derrick. There were the ones who once did that to me too! Agh fuck sometimes I wish I can just dont bother anymore! I want my efforts to show results! I wanna feel significant! I wanna feel wanted! I want the care a friend should give! Are these really too much! I don't want any artificial care and concern! Just genuine care! Care because they are concerned! Not because they want something from me, not because they want my accompany, not because they pity me!  

I'm letting go. This time is real

Sometimes. I get really afraid. That jiajun's caring for me because he didn't want me to say that he's caring now, and hostile later. I'm afraid he's just forcing himself to make time for me to make me satisfied, like what tingwei did. Actually jiajun you really don't have to do this. I feel that I really owe you lots of your time. You could've spent them on people whom you are more concerned for. 

The problem is not with you, it's with me

This

Explains my life so much so much

Skyped with them last night! And just now! I'm glad there wasn't feelings of awkwardness. It's like in the past. They play their games, I listen them talk

Have been seeing guys reciprocate to girls' affection after very long! I'm so happy for the girls and I can like understand how they feel when I imagine myself with zh! It's like in the heaven man! Haha like dinika! I heard she had a crush on siraj for years and now they're tgt! This is so cute haha! And nanthini! Aishah told me she liked Gajesh for years and now they are texting each other! Wow I hope they can end up together man! She must be feeling so happy!

And when I see all these, I ask myself. When will it be my turn. When when when :(

Am starting to prepare zh's letter already! I'm afraid I can't finish in time. I have to get my content right and reread to make sure i didn't say anything wrong before I write it on the letter! (Haha I typed everything in my notes) and how am I going to pass it to him omg....I'm thinking of going down to np to pass it to him! But I'm afraid he'll not like it!

Listening to certain songs reminded me of those working times with them! I really miss being with them. It's like when god closes all doors, he would open a window. Last year's year end was the period when xq dumped me aside for tzehui! And fuck I literally had no one! They were the ones who picked me up! I was always looking forward to work because they would be working with me! We used to just go out tgt for movies and dinner! I rmb we watched breaking dawn! Just before I go for pap chalet! I was so reluctant to go but it was samuel who asked me to go. I'll always rmb what he said. You know them for years and you know us for like 1 or 2 months only, you shouldn't not go for chalet because of us!  But the fact was that the reason I didn't wanna go was because I felt so fucking insignificant! That's why I slept through the whole chalet! So it would seem to end quicker for me! Fuck in the end who cared! Even when I was awake no one put in effort to talk to me! Even xueqi! I was so fucking disappointed in her that time!

They realy cared for me a lot. It's like the same amount of concern JJ used to give me. I rmb asking the van (which sends us home after work) to alight me at big carpark opposite the gas station because it'll be more convenient for the driver to go cck! But no they didn't allow the driver to drop me off there! Because it was far! They kept asking the driver to heck care me just drive in! 

I rmb making lots of lame jokes tgt. I rmb them always making fun of me and Nicholas. I rmb always saying Nicholas black and all. I rmb always saying how short ken is! I rmb straight after getting N lvl results I went to find them! I rmb them scolding me crazy when I decided to retake emath when I've gotten an A2. I rmb Samuel telling me about a movie that very pervertic which made me buy the book 'I hope they serve beer in hell'. I rmb those skyping times! I rmb telling them about how much I dislike my company of friends (pap), how much I hate being with them because they don't aknowledge my existence. I rmb Samuel always scolded zh dog when he saw my lock screen wallpaper. I rmb him asking me to give up saying it's pointless. I rmb him telling people 'this girl hor, like a guy for 3 years and when she text him he totally don't care, and she still continue liking him'. I rmb giving see me and zh's convo and it's like a whole page of my sent messages only. And Samuel went 'walao bastard sia. If it's me I won't be like this, like if a girl really likes me I might try out' (he has a gf! The girl actually confessed to him!). I rmb us going vivo to countdown for new year. That was one of my best new year countdown. I guess the other was the phone call with qinyu tingwei and jiajun. Idk why it's always one of the best perhaps coz I seldom countdown for new year. I rmb one night in the van driving home I told them all my troubles and how I felt about life. Yinhui was there too. The night he tweeted me to stay positive in life. I rmb calling tingwei to ask how to go teckwhye from batok because I wanted to find them. I rmb the first time we met was when we worked at the esplanade. we clicked off really fast and became close friends after working tgt several times. Samuel wondered too, like how can we all actually click off so fast! and he said maybe it's because of my character. I'm outgoing and approachable. I rmb showing samuel this blog on my phone. He saw JJ, he was asking me who's that. Then I told him about JJ. But I forget what and why. Perhaps can check by seeing 2012 year end posts! I rmb one night after work we were slacking at some place and they were all saying they'll fail Ns. I rmb Shaofong saying he cfm will fail. And if he passed, he would marry me LOL. In the end he really passed. We all laughed so hard. Only two of them went up to sec 5. Shaofong was eligible I think, but he didn't want to. So him, ken and Nicolas went to ite. 

Whenever I hear this song 'the forgotten' many scenes of us having fun will appear. Because that's the song for breaking dawn! We watched it tgt at lot one! And after that I went to pap chalet. I rmb me working in kitchen and them working service, the only time we interacted was when I pass them the food to serve. I rmb we always played and disturbed each other during that. Especially ken. He was so hilarious. I rmb joinin them to work service after my kitchen job. I rmb the manager shaking the pudding like food and asked 'what do you think this looks like?' And they all busted out laughing. And I was there HUH like what!? After several attempts asking samuel told me. I rmb me samuel and Shaofong working like dogs in the bugis hotel. And I rmb him whispering to shaofong sometjing and I kept asking what he said. He said he can't say! Because it's damn pervertic! End up the thing was like if I ask a girl can I touch your boobs what will the girl say. LOLOL and I actually laughed. He took it so seriously and was so afraid I'll slap him if he ask. But I say I won't la because it's you ma. If it's other pervertic guys I'll slap. I rmb the taxi trip, I insisted in asking the driver to go aye coz it's highway so it's shorter ma! And end up Samuel scolded me because the fare ended up to $40++ when they reach cck.  Normally should be $30 plus! And I laughed. I rmb us going to seoul garden tgt! That was my first time eating and I think I was the one who suggested it because I haven't ate it before. So they were all like 'anything lor' haha I rmb it's the branch at Clementi mall. I rmb skyping almost every night when i was in hong kong. I rmb IM-ing with ken on skype when I had wifi outside. I rmb they always mentioned those kpop girls all have S-shape figures, but I dont have. Then I was eager to impress them, I took a photo of myself with an angle that'll make me look like I have a S-shape figure in the hotel. I rmb one night after work when we were in the cab shaofong felt unwell and he went to my house to drink water. While walking to my house he said 'wah here hor if someone just come and catch you you also won't know' smth like that I can't recall the exact words! I rmb shahid kept telling me 'you go ask tingli who am I' haha. I rmb samuel and shaofong went genting and they came back with a doreamon luggage tag for me. Each of us had something. I still keep it. 

I remember so many things. But they don't. And we just lose contact gradually. We slowly drifted. Now it's just.... 

I am really thankful for them. I was still depressed tho because of the insignificance, but they just alleviated it. They aren't replacements of pap. I never regretted working under prime staff, or else we would nvr meet! Most of the people I met during work are just people I'll see during work...like we won't be so so close till we actually go out and play. Coz we are all part timers! So I think I was really lucky to have met them. They are the windows god opened. I miss those times, I miss having fun with them

I hate it man. When you wanted to go somewhere you'd always ask for my accompany. When I ask you to go out to airport to study? You just say I'm crazy! I know airport is far but remember you went all the way to pasir ris to correct your bursary you asked me to accompany I went! So when I asked you to go airport study tgt you just say I siao! Okay fine! I'll go alone! Fuck it la I'm always putting in effort into people that aren't worth it. I mean like who the fuck actually reciprocate using actual actions! Not a single soul! Hate this shit! I'm just so worthless. Fuck fuck fuck. 

The you doesn't just mean one person. It's also you! I always accompanied you to places you wanna explore. When I asked you out to accomPany to places you'd always say either you wanna study or sick. Fuck, did I ever use such excuses when you asked me out! Not even once! I was like okay lah accompany you since you wanna go. But who the fuck actually tries to understand me! Wtf man the reason why I decided to be with you all was because I wasn't happy when I was in pap, I felt insignificant. But now I realize when I'm in this group I feel even more insignificant! So where do I belong? The answer is my own bedroom! I stand alone!