talked to my incharge on the way he abt yj and asked him for solutions and his views. he says yj likes me but he is just scared, but he will nvr say it. and if i am gonna wait for him till he ns ends i have to tell him how i feel. smth like....

"i am not assuming myself as ur gf, but i am going to wait for you, and that is my decision."

but i think now isnt the right timing tho. perhaps after As or before he enters ns. for now, just focus on As first i guess. 

thanks frix, i am more determined and clear of what to do now



 "its bullshit", said zw and carmen.

 "我只能永远读著对白 读着我给妳的伤害
我原谅不了我 就请妳当作我已不在"

 this is so sad......it feels like this how is yj feeling. like guilty and all :(

i dont know how i am feeling. its like a living zombie. i am satisfied with my life but i am not happy. theres a difference. i guess you are the difference. hahaha

in the past you will turn ur head at me and smile after saying bye... but today u didnt even turn around to say bye sigh.... and u didnt say anything to me for my sprianed ankle..like just a get well soon/take care also no have ): and how u avoid sitting infront/beside me whenever we go out eat sigh hurts to see how different things are now

guess i just have to get used to this

what a bad dream last night...almost cried waking up. 

i dont think i can ever take it if i were to see you having a gf...at least for these few months to come.. sigh )):

my father teased me when he saw me and yj's photo in my photo frame

"BOYFRIEND AH???"

"沒有啦，好朋友而已"

"SURE BO? 还放照片"

"真的啦 好朋友而已"

i wish i could give a different answer, 

i rlly hate feeling like this... and i am not even supposed to. it just hurts how i used to know everything abt u and now i only know when i heard ppl talking abt it esp when someone asked "is he okay?" and i dont even know what happened. i am not in any position to know anything now and i guess thats what hurts the most; that someone i used to know so much becomes someone so distant and out of reach. 

guess i shld just get my shit tgt and stop bothering ppl with my problems ugh 

fak la i rlly rlly miss u ): i wna go jj concert with you so badly sigh ): i rmb i was so excited when u said next time got concert we can go tgt u dont mind going (smth along that line) when i said i went alone two years back. i was like anticipating for the next jj concert that we can go tgt but in the end haha shit happens i guess i should just suck it up and start acknowledging the fact that i ultimately dont deserve anyone ugh fuck this shit ):

how much sadder can i get? honestly i thought i was at rock bottom alr. 

if this isnt rock bottom, idk what this is.

seeing you stressed/sad makes me 1000times more shitty.... i rlly wish i can be there to listen to u rant abt your problems and at least make u feel better.

sigh i should be happy with what we are now; friends. but i feel so sad......... i miss u so much....i wish we still talked ):

i finally talk it out with him. so so sad to see how treats me like legit normal friend and i am here feeling so empty...i felt better anyway, but i am still sad.

i dont know why i feel so shitty. i rlly wna be there for you, but i know you wont want me there.

//
生生燈火 明暗無輒
看著迂迴的傷痕 卻不能為你做什麼 我恨我
躲在永夜背後 找微光的出口
//

am i being too selfish? it sucks seeing you alone or studying in canteen alone.. okay perhaps u are not la got others there also but i just feel so shit cuz now i am the one making things bad and still continue to avoid u and i make everything remain awkward... but i am not ready to face you....... fak i think this must really stop. i told myself i will only avoid u for a week but it has been two and a half weeks alr. agh

it hurts how much you rlly rlly dont care.... fak its just me la hor. i shouldnt expect anything from you.. but i just feel rlly sad how much i dont matter anymore. 

every 180 i see, it seems to be laughing at me...

every street that reminds me of you, seems to be so so long stretched...

every song that reminds me of you, seems to be so short and i have to keep raping the replay button...

every couple i see, seems to tell me we could have had it all but we didnt...

every single time i see you, i die a little inside. 

sometimes i get rlly tired of life and everything, and i wna talk to you so much because i know it'll definitely make me feel alot better and more motivated to push myself further. 

but i cant. 

dont know why somehow i still feel abit empty... like a piece missing? honestly i am rlly satisfied with my life now and thankful how carmen is always there for me, i mean now i am actually quite happy with my life and i rlly like my company of friends. but sometimes i just feel abit empty (but not as much as last time cos now i just keep myself busy and be around with people) like i just uncontrollably feel sad when i think of yj... or see him. i just thought of alot of stuff and that makes me sad. he think i am on my road to recovery so he doesnt want to appear, but is that really that case? am i really recoving? or am i just avoiding it? 

i always see couples around me whenever i go shopping alone. it just makes me sad cos it feels like we could have had it all but things just had to end. i wish i had a shoulder to lie on, i wish i had a hand to hold to. 

i wish that we will be okay. 

contemplated for a really long time before i finally removed you from my sub insta account. the reason why i didnt was because i wanted to u to know how i feel and hopefully come talk to me about it....but you never once did. maybe i am just expecting too much from you, but basic care and concern also dont have...? i guess you really dont give a fuck abt me anymore hahahaah. its fine its fine, i will suck it up, maybe i am just that terrible to you

just when i thought i am ready to see you without avoding u, this morning when i see u in the canteen i just lost it. i dont even know what was that i was feeling when i just walked away rlly quickly. fuck man when can i ever get my shit tgt

i rlly rlly miss talking to you ....

i guess i was just a substitude after all.... i dont even feel angry when i am supposed to, fak why? i just feel damn sad things had to end this way... and i rlly miss u. sigh but my job is done...? i should really leave. 

feel so sad u dont feel the same afterall, or u just lose interest in me alr. but at least i helped u get over her...

am i rlly a substitute? prove me wrong pls....

i honestly cant get you. the reason why we decided not to say anything is because we know u are alr v sad and why would we wna make things worse by telling you...? and you are angry at us for not telling you... we just just genuinely concerned man. sigh care for you also wrong...

why every single day just gets worse... nth is going well... yj's matter is alr making me feel so damn shit and all these just had to come in and add on to it. 

i realize i am always thinking for others, wanting the best for them, be there when they need someone, genuienly caring for them and give them the best i have

who will then do the same for me..? everything just keeps adding up to the agony. i dont know how much more i can take before i just snap

not sucidal, but sometimes i just wish i can kena some accident and be unconcious so i can stop thinking.