Wonderful dream I had last night. I went to sit beside you and you started conversing with me like as if we are good friend's. But then the second sentence came out from you mouth was "eh why am I talking to you? nvm" haha then you continued talking! We chatted so happily. I was happy. You were happy. What a perfect dream. I hope this will happen one day. I really hope. Imy a lot.

You said it wasn't about sicong's matter when derrick asked you. You said it was confidential. Hmm, okay then.. Just hope that you'll be happy! :( really don't wanna see you cry, really hurts me a lot. Anyway, I'm happy tht you replied my message today. :)

it really really hurts to see you cry. i dont know what sunil talked to you yesterday that made you cried. i suspect it's the cheating matter. you didn't want to say. it's alright. i think it is, seems like it was something serious. sigh, i really really dont know what can i do. i think this matter really affected you a lot a lot. tried to ask if you're okay and you just replied coldy 'ya' and turned away immedietly. am i really that annoying? sigh.. sorry, sorry. in bus, i tried to talk to you. with jieming. you still gave me cold replies. but it actually better than nothing.. aiyo, still.. ><

sorry for anything i did wrong.

hais, i made jiajun angry again. i shouldnt keep asking if it was me. he alr said no, he was refering to other things. i asked again and again, then ask who he saying. he said right to my face 'diam.' with a damn asshole angry face. hais, i am sorry. although he said he wasnt angry with me, i was in wrong. he said he really cant tell me. okay.. but still, i am sorry jiajun. i was being too bossy. perhaps i should just let you be. seems that i dont mean anything to you anymore, so whatever i do, you just wont care. i shouldnt put in so much effort. i am sorry. i'll keep my hands off you from today. i dont wanna make our friendship become any worser.

Had a great talk with Tingwei just now. He really made sense. He asked me to think, what's the difference between let go and hold on? Yes you will feel happier when you hold on, knowing that maybe he will like you back. He told me a lot of factors that might affect my changed attitude. Can't really recall. But one of them was studies, my studies started to drop when I started to hang out with Charmaine and co. Perhaps this was one of the points. I asked him. "issit because Jiajun thinks, I have new friends and forget old friends?" he replied shouldn't be. If jiajun's like this, he would be the same as Yaqi, cos she was jealous. He said, I shouldn't keep posting sad things on twitter. He might feel irritated when he saw them. True though. Perhaps I was actually seeking attention? I'm not sure. It's alright. Sometimes you think you're not seeking attention just doing for fun, actually you are. Yeah this is how contradicting humans are. I told Shuanghui and Derrick keep asking me to give up. Tingwei say then give up, but continue liking him. Give up as in stop 'wooing' him. And don't keep mentioning zh infront of friends, they will feel irritated. Like example, you ask like this outing zh got go anot? Eh where zh? What's zh doing? This might make them think you're going out with them because of zh, although you real intention was not this, only asking for fun. I had all these thoughts too, I know that I can give up but I dont want to. I know I'm just stubborn. I don't want to give up. I let things be like this, continue letting myself get used to the hurt he gives me.
Today during recess, he walked pass me as if I'm invisible.. :(

Haha I shared with Derrick quite a lot of things happened between me and zh last year! I can still laugh like as if it happened yesterday :'). But those were on the first half of the year. We were okay. Another half really sucked. Because of Yaqi? Part of. Although I really dislike her a lot a lot at that point of time, I still treat her as my good friend now. I don't dislike her anymore. Perhaps I should thank for being a role model for me to lose weight. She treats me well now :) and I think she's a really good person. I still feel guilty for breaking her and the brothers up. They weren't supposed to be like this.. Sigh. I was so jealous of her and Zhenhao in the past, really really wish I was her. Now I'm kind of feel sad for her? She's putting so much effort for the brothers but were ignored. Hais, they don't like her ma. Maybe it's because the incident that time made them start to dislike her, it is all my fault. I'm sorry.

Actually I felt abit sad that Jiajun likes Lydia.. Haha why?! Crazy.
Two strokes on Zhenhao this morning. :( and sicong didn't get any. How unfair. But zh's stroke was from the lie he said. Perhaps he won't be caned if he didn't lie.. Sigh. Forget itttt, things are over already. I really really hope this matter won't affect his whole reputation. But haha no matter what happens, he's still the best to me.

Feeling so damn fucked up right now. Am so troubled already and derrick's making me more troubled. Saying I'm too over. Sighhh. I don't wanna lose this friendship. I really really hope as a friend he could understand. If I'm too over why can't he accept me like how I am? I'm in fault I know. I shouldn't talk about zh to him, why did I forgotten about it?! Damn.

Im really really damn afraid for you right now. You're getting canned tomorrow and there's nothing I can help it. Seriously I feel so useless now. If I am allowed to, i would replace you, I take one stroke and you take another one. Cut your pain lesser by half. But I can't. Sigh. I'm sorry. I should have come out and say it wasn't your fault from the start. Why am I so stupid?!!? Damn it man blame it on me :( cane is something I'm afraid of since young. My father used to cane me almost everyday. Hais. And tmr you're getting canned. I'm really really afraid. I cannot imagine the pain you'll be experiencing tomorrow. Hais. I'm afraid. I'm sad for you. :( I know you're also on fault but it's your first time doing wrong things why must cane?! Why not only suspension!!!? Rawr!!!!! :(
Hais. I can't do anything. just take care. :(

Actually I feel so guilty now. I used Jiajun as a replacement of zh that time during the June hols. The worse thing is, he likes me too at that point of time. Lucky I didn't say anything haha, cos I was confused that time too. In the end I still told him and he was like really?! Haha he didn't know we actually felt the same way. But that was when he doesn't me like me alr I think.
I smsed him to apologize. He didn't reply. Stupid asshole. He keeps on ignoring my messages.
I sent bye-bye to many ppl yesterday. And as usual, Zhenhao didn't reply.

Suddenly thought of something quite stupid I did last year. I called zh using public phone just to hear his voice. I never regret doing that though, for now if I want to I will still do it. But perhaps not anymore cos I can hear his voice more often now compared to last year! Haha! Perhaps it's not stupid, just funny? Haha! When I think back, it feels quite good too. Sometimes I wish I can go back to last year, don't know why also. This year I get to like how to say ah? Hmm like talk or see him more often? Although not in same class. Last year was like, although I see him everyday in class, we never talk or pretend each other are invisible. Hahaha! Now we still do, but I have that lil courage to talk to him sometimes(very seldom)
I hate how Derrick dislikes me when I talk about Zhenhao. Hais. What can I do? Just shut up.

Feels sad tht Charmaine doesn't message me anymore. I hate hoe cruel this world is. When one hates you, their friend's starts to hate you too. I don't know if this is happening only in express or what. I don't see this kind of things happening in NA, or rather, seldom. It's so unfair. Shuanghui doesn't likes me, charmine starts me distant away from me. Like dog. I know it's bad to say this but this is really how I felt. Hais. So disappointing. Os this the gap between express and NA? Sometimes i really wonder. Like me and Jiajun can still be like very good friends, and just let go of that matter. Why they can't? Just because of one mistake, you're been judged in that way forever. I know Jiajun won't. Shuanghui and Charmaine are easily influenced or maybe just trust rubbish by listening to friends' gossips. Derrick doesn't like mr thong, he told Shuanghui and Charmaine why he doesnt. Then they don't like him too. I was like what the heck? They can give reasons like what he very haolian whatsoever. They judge people they don't know well. I just don't like people like this. But afterall, they are still great friends. Just don't like how influencing they are. Hais.

Went to celebrate Wendy's bday today! Very fun. But seriously used a lot of money.. :( unhappy with this but it has been all worth it after Zhenhao sat beside me in pizzahut. Really really damn happy xD Wendy tried to take a photo of me and him omg! And he was like hiding all the way? Ahhhh this seriously hurts me :( does it really really dislike me so so much? :( haisss. But still very happy tht we sat tgt :) I'm contented alr.
Me and him sitting beside :) only see hands lah. K pizZa was the subject. Have no idea why this pic is in my photo album, I think Derrick took it :)

Talked things out using direct message. i felt better. things are okay now.

sometimes, i really feel envious of people around me.. i need the care a friend should give, where is it? i feel nothing. sometimes i just feel alone.
tmr's outing to celebrate wendy's birthday. i have to bring like $40? i mean like wth? so much.. seriously why organize so many things? maybe i'm just envious of her? but i really feel it's too expensive.. hais. my saving gonna reach $40 and will be gone.. sigh. nvm, she is my friend anyway.. but $40 is just too much. i really really dont wanna spend this money.. forget it T_T

I don't wanna have a agurement with her. I really don't. She said I didn't not understand her feelings. I was once fatter than her, people not only called me fat. They laughed at me right in front of me, they made my self esteem dropped till i can't bring it up now. You understand me? No, you don't. That's why I said don't judge me when you don't know my story. People treated me even worse than you ever imagined. Being said disgusting by the person you love, do you know how it feels?

Jiajun said I changed. I really don't know what should I do. I don't wanna lose him. He is important to me.
Today, I felt so relieved to know that I am now better. Really relieved. I really wanna know who he likes. I was actually suspecting is it me! Haha but I think like quite impossible cos it's like since a long time we last talked. He said it's Lydia. Then not her. Yes or no? Really making me confused.
I'm so happy tht I saw Zhenhao at westmall today. Hahahas! Really happy Even it's just seeing him. I said bye bye to everyone of them, but I didn't say to him. I was afraid that he would ignore me and feels irritated. but then after that i regretted for not trying :( I should had at least tried.
GoiNg to celebrate Wendy's birthday, I'm actually quite envious of her having friends give her surprises. And buying presents. I wonder who will actually do this to me? Qinyu? I expected other people too..
Shuanghui said on her twitter she's losing weight and eating lesser. Like dieting. I told her it's not good etc. She say yeah it's like me. Okay.. Lol. Then told her metabolism will decrease and will gain back weight when she eat a little more. A new tweet from her: 'Why are you contradicting yourself?' I was like what the hell? I was only caring for her this is her response to me? Why do she even judge me when she don't know me well? I feel damn disappointed. I think she really dislikes me. Charmaine also starts to distant from me. It's just so influencing. When one friend dislikes, other start to do the same thing. I really really hate this. They are important to me but do they even realize it or care? No, they didnt. I'm hopeless alrdy. What can I do? Just dislike me then.