i dont know what i am feeling. every day passes i just feel more and more dead. i start to get very very easily annoyed by everything. whenever i hear people laugh, it feels like they are laughing at how funny i am as a joke, as a loser.... i feel like the whole world is laughing at me fml


tbh i am really thankful for carmen and zw for always being there and listening to me... but my mood is just so bad i couldnt show i am thankful for them and still tried pushing them away... everyone around me is worried abt me and i still continue to keep everything to myslef and not take care of my health... i feel so bad and undeserving...

hurts so much to see you dont even bother or look affected when im avoiding you.... turns out the feeling is actually quite mutual. i feel like a joke hahahaha

i just want to disappear

distance pls....? i just wanted u to have a nice celebration and everyone else cant make it also so i ask u de mah.. sigh i nvr thought of clinging to u either plus it has been since we last rlly talked ): didnt know u will still feel awkward tho. sigh i am so damn afraid he will start to dislike me...guess i shld just keep my distance 

off to work now.. at 630am. i dont even lack money....i just know i have to keep myself really busy to keep thoughts off. 

i felt so so sad when i handed him the card...cuz it kinda marks the end of me being able to put in effort on him. i just feel damn empty now. for the whole last week, i have been rushing around for materials, chionging home to do, staying till late night to make sure it looks nice.... now i just feel damn empty and sad. 

today could have been so much. too bad it isnt. 

final draft

Happy birthday yanbae💩! i hope you like the pillow haha i fell in love the moment i saw it and thought of you!! thn just nice ur bday was near so i just bought it for u! and sorry for the reqlly bad wrapping cuz i rlly couldnt find a way to wrap it AHHAHAA

actly i am very afraid to write this letter and i thought about it for a very long time. then i thought of just letting u know how i feel because my thought are less confused now. 

honestly, i expected myself to cry last monday when we met and talked things out. surprisingly i didn't. perhaps i prepared myself well for it, or i expected worst. but the next morning was hell. i almost cried on the way to school but i held back cuz i was in public. that morning, i realized everything is different alr. even now, i am still adapting. it's hard, and it hurts. i wish there were more bus rides with you, i wish i can make more study packs for u for the upcoming exams, i wish we can go to places to explore and yolo, i wish i can share to my parents about you, & many many things i thought of we could do tgt after As.

that day, i didnt really fight back for my stand because i see u were so determined and i was lost af as well. you said i always give in to you and dont fight for myself. but now for the first time, i dont want to give in. for the first time, i want to fight for what i want. of course, i dont expect anything to change as of now, (i rlly miss talking to you tho... hahaha) i just wish we can give each other another chance after As. i believe we can make it if u still like me.

if you ever change your mind, know that i will always be here waiting for you

but if u dont, i hope no matter what happens after this we are still good friends!

lastly, happy 19th bday! i'm rlly glad u entered my life and i will nvr forget all the fun times we had :) the ogl period when we got closer, dancing fun dance tgt, traveling all the way to expo to study, 180 bus trips, accompanying me to take 188 thn 178 home, walking from je to chinese gdn, you talking abt ur family, npcc and ur life (tbh i rlly like listening to ur stories HAHA), CTs mugging days, studying in jp learning corner for only a few weeks thn its demolished (smh agh), training for road run tgt, walking around malls aimlessly, hobo-ing at some sheltered area to eat dinner cuz there's no seats HAHAHA and thank you for always constantly taking care and looking out for me in the past (esp when i'm on my period), being honest with me abt my mistakes and finishing my food for me HAHA thank you for everything :)) you are a rlly wonderful person dont ever doubt that! altho we dont know each other for a rlly long time, its shocking how well we clicked off and progressed haha and how fast i began developing feelings. i dont know when it started, i just knew i wanted the best for u and u to be happy! haha so yeah altho the fun times we spent were short, i was genuinely happy and if we are rlly not gna make it in the future, i wont be sad cuz i rlly treasured those times and lived them to the fullest! all the best in everything you do, stay healthy and happy! i love you ❤️❤️ (you are the bae to my 盐(yan) HAHAHA)

it hurts how in the past u used to treat me so nice and now its the complete opposite... am i really that worthless?

he saw our photo in my wallet. thn suddenly his face kinda changed aghhhh what if hes gna drift away from me after this because he finds me vvvvvv clingy ):

while waiting for bus just now, i felt so different and sad. normally, after we finish dinner and all and said bye, i will always text him while waiting for the bus. but now, i cant anymore.... hahaha sigh

keeping myself busy so i wont spend time thinking abt sad stuff. but in the end it still comes back somehow. 

i dont know if what i am going to do now is gonna make u drift away further...shld i rlly say what i want in the letter...? what if its gonna destroy everything? i told myself, i have nothing to lose anymore now... but is that rlly the case? what if it'll jeopardize the friendship we have now? but i rlly wna tell u how i feel cuz i didnt rlly say how i feel when we talked things out mainly because i was so lost.....

u still havent text or reply me since the last blue ticked message.... are we really gonna still like that for the rest of the year...? do u really dont care omg ):

i guess...this is the end? SIGH I MISS YOU T____T

i dont know why this morning i suddenly felt so sad and almost cried in the bus. i was okay yesterday... i think maybe because this morning i woke up realize everything is different now, and that things might never be the same again. and that makes me sad. i dont know why the emotions and feels came so late, but i am sure i will be sad for quite long period of time. maybe not sad, but more of i cant bear to give up this whole thing and that we have to let go because of circumstances. i actly thought of what we can do after As, like go yolo and play and go out tgt and have fun... wax museum, trick eye, uss, cycling, or even just walking around shopping mall aimlessly with you.... sigh i guess i just have to accept the fact that we dont always get what we want..

i told huisen and liying (winnie too cuz i told her i am very very sad too..) about our situation, they were angst at me not being firm enough at convincing yj my opinions and viewpoints. they want me to go talk to him about it again and convince him what i think, and not just go with the flow. honestly if i could i would have done that, okay actually i want to do that, but i know things are not going to change and i will end up suffocating and pressurize him even more. so i guess... i should just leave things like that, at least until As are over.

pls dont let go of me sighhhh ):




winnie, "you have to fight for your own happiness" sigh i have always believed in this rlly want to but this seems like a pointless fight judging from how firm he made his decision and how he thought everything out...

they also told me to dont stop talking to him, or else feelings might fade HAHA. like still friends means still can talk mahh right?! i rlly dk if i should continue keep talking to him cuz i am not sure how he feels about this. what if he doesnt want anymore distractions? he didn't reply my last msg tho.... maybe thats the answer.. i guess i'll just stop initiating and talking to him for now ):

today

i was so afraid and apprehensive when he asked me if we could meet. i couldnt stop thinking about the possible things he would say that would destroy me completely, or words i wanted to hear from him.

it came out slightly expected but somehow different. i didn't cry, perhaps because i've prepared myself well for this, or i have cried so many times to the extent i'm already immune to it. 

he told me - 

1) he isn't interested in any relationships or anyone, at least until the end of NS. he feels that it's not feasible to have a relationship now or even after As because he feels that he wouldnt have time. theres a chance he might enlist early, and he would be going overseas for holidays with him family this year end. there is technically no free time for him to commit to a relationship. 

2) we are not compatible. both of us have very similar personalities to the extent it's going to harm us in the long run. i am sensitive, so is he. one slight trigger might spark into flames and we would quarrel. our personalities will clash. i have to find someone who have similar but different personality as me. and he says i am always letting in to him and that is not good because firstly he feels that it's weird and secondly it'll not be good for me because i will end up keep letting in and be in the losing end. he have very bad temper and i will always end up being the one tolerating and letting in. he feels that this is not good and for my personality it's hard to not let in and this is perhaps why we cant be tgt. like i will always end up in the losing end, and it is unfair for me. he says i need to find someone who let in to me more instead of me always letting in. but i dont want anyone else.....

3) he doesn't want me to wait for him. even tho i feel that it's perfectly ok and i totally dont mind waiting. but he dont like to make people wait. so what if i am willing to wait? is he willing to LET me wait? i have to understand that this is a two way thing. 

i asked -

1) so you dont like me alr isit? (i was damn afraid of the answer tho)

'i'm trying to let go now, because i know we are not compatible and being together will be harmful in the long run'

this makes me so sad. 

2) what if we can still make it? like after your NS? 

'3 years leh, plus what if we go to different universities? like if u go NUS and i go NTU, there wont be time one'

3) why no time? like weekends or smth...?

'you should go and see the uni schedules, its really damn packed and busy!'

4) 3 years very fast one.

'no it isnt, for a guy it's very long....'

5) so anyway why were you avoiding me all the time? 

'cuz when i see you, i will think of alot alot of stuff. and that time i knew u were going to eat dinner with them and i didnt go because i saw u and u were very sad, if i were to go eat dinner, u will be very sad and i will be awkward and the atmosphere will be very bad.'

6) how u know i am very sad? like you are always so far away from me and avoiding me...

'i can see la, this whole week i everyday see u very sad. i am always very near you, you didnt see me only.'

7) huh serious?! i totally nvr see you man... 

'i am....ninja!'

HAHAHA

i feel really sian and 不捨得, like i rlly thought we would make it someday... but from his words and how he put everything is just saying we can nvr be tgt.....sigh i rlly damn sad abt this. perhaps one day, one day we will somehow make it if we were meant to be ): i used to think as long as two people like each other, anything is possible, we will find our way out eventually. but perhaps i've been too immature and naive, thinking that love can overcome everything....

day 6

just now my mum asked me
"妹妹讲你有男朋友liao是不是，每天这么忙一直出去partor"
i answered "没有la哪里有，每天忙每天出去是在学校做功课lor"

if she asked this two weeks ago, my answer would have been completely different.

yj ask me before if i told my parents abt him (because he did), i said no ah cos they nvr ask so i nvr say lor, like awkward to suddenly tell them. tbh i couldn't wait to tell them if they were to ask me, but i guess...... no chance alr hahahahaahahahaaaaaaaa

i dont get it seriously. i alr said cannot see my convo with him (when u asked me to show u) and u insisted in reading it even when i repeatedly said no and even snatched my phone from me and read it?! wtf man just because i never get angry when ppl disturb doesnt mean it's okay to cross over the line, especially when it comes to things i really dont feel like saying.

like seriously, its just adding on to the agony.

day 4

as much as i wna know what you are thinking, i am getting more and more afraid to know the answer. 

hurts so much to see u avoiding me to such extent...sigh i think u rlly rlly hate me now. 不要哭....

day 2

went over to say bye, but ur head remained down when i walked over.. sigh whyyy ): perhaps u just need time to gather ur thoughts and u are not ready to face me bah sigh i shouldnt be so affected over such small stuff man..

sigh i miss u....but it has only been two days. i thought i can get used to this quickly because u have been cold to me for two weeks.

one week v fast one. v fast one. just treat it as u going overseas and theres no wifi

day 1

he finally told me he needs to sort his thoughts out and us to stop talking for the rest of the week. after 2 weeks sigh i am so glad he did

but i am so scared....i am so so damn scared. what if it's something negative......

i dont know why i keep finding reasons and excuses for u not replying me.
"maybe he is busy"
"maybe he is having a bad day/week"
"maybe he just doesnt feel like talking to anyone"
"maybe he is tired"
"maybe he needs space"
"maybe he is still recovering from his bad week"
"maybe he is just v mood-less/tired from cts"
maybe

我们会更好的

对不对？

i don't know what's wrong. why does it seem like u are avoiding me...? ): i wanted to talk things out with you like asking u if u wanna take bus home tgt. i wanted to ask "wanna take bus home? i wanna talk to you" but when i asked "wana take bus home" u just straight away said "i taking train" without any doubts and u were so so determined about it? i couldnt even complete my sentence.... i rlly dont know alr. so lost now and it sucks losing appetite i feel like shit la agh

i swear this week have been an emotional roller coaster week. tuesday night we were okay, then wed and tday went totally downhill again. why like that hais

i dont know when i am doing the wrong things. what if u feel damn damn annoyed whenever i wait for u after school or ask u whr u are and stuff, or even when i text u? isnt that what i've always been doing? like just wait for the others also thn go eat tgt? i rlly dont know man. i dont know how u can just simply ignore my messages and push me aside just like that. am i rlly rlly too annoying? i dont know..... i am so afraid. i am so so damn afraid.

basic care and concern u dont even bother giving. am i being too demanding...? i dont think so..... ):