I think we look good together, really

Very shocked (and happy) by the message Jiajun sent me. He wished me merry Xmas and in the msg he mention that msg is only sent to his good friend. I'm proud to be your friend too, thanks for being such a great friend. Really. There are so many things i have yet to tell and ask you. Perhaps its better to let things stay like this. I wish we could be as close like before.

Zhenhao didn't reply my message. The usual routine of his isn't it? Sigh.. If only I'm special to him. Anyway, he looked great yesterday. Wore do formally. Wah I was really shocked. I really really like it when guys wear formal. And he just did it! Haha! He would look even better if he wore black.
Zhenhao, are we still friends? I really miss you.

Church camp! Was a really fun one. But.. I'm just troubled by the fact that zh just didn't initiate to talk to me.. Hais. Shouldn't expect this, it's something I know it won't happen. Isnt it? But I still choose to believe. Wrote 'encouragement letter' to me. But it's more like a personal letter to him lol. Just generally said hope we'll talk soon and Gdluck in studies etc.. Ended with 'Are we still friends?' I'm hoping for a reply to this. Really. I hope he cares. Haizzxxcx

Really miss zh a lot. Even if there's chance to see him, we still remain as strangers. Why? Please just come and talk to me soon.. Hais! Camp this Sunday, hope we can talk.

I can't believe it actually comes from you. Like seriously, its just adding on to the agony. Correction, I'm not actually angry, but disappointed and hurt to be exact. Afterall that I've done, this is what you guys say about me. Right, now I'm more determined which way to go. Period.

Kind of like 'fight' with Yaqi. It was indirect scolding tho. Because I tweeted 'had a great talk with junn yiow' then she start making noise. Jealous? Hurt? She say it doesn't hurt! Hahaha nice! ._. Thought she changed. But she didn't. If liddat also make noise, in the past if she's me she cfm start WW3 alr pls. Now you know it hurts. Said I'm taking revenge? I didn't have that intention. She's just thinking too much and I'm just playing along ._. Seriously? I was trying to help her. Yet she thought I was revengeful. I'm not that kind.... Forget it. She's just stirring up shit. Talk only, also make so much noise?

To me, jiajun is the second Shuanghui. To Jiajun, I'm the second Yaqi.
Hais. Why would things be like this? Really never thought we can become like this. We started off well. Ha. If he doesn't care anymore, he won't be angry or even bothered to scold me, right? :/ I just gotta act like I don't care.

Church todayyy. You seem to keep having unhappy faces when I'm around. Is it me or im just thinking too much? I hope I'm just thinking too much. Hais.
I said bye to you on the bus. You didn't reply or look or wave. I don't know it's you didnt hear it or you simply don't want to reply.but I'm quite certain you heard it. fffff.
Why is it that you HAVE to treat me this way? It has been so long already. Why just can't we work things out and be normal friends? Why are you forever hiding from this? Why am I always the one showing effort? Why you just feel nothing, nothing, nothing?!!!
I hope you feel something, I really do.
I hope I mean something to you.
I hope you will spare a thought for me.
I hope we can be normal friends.
I hope we will talk soon.
I hope we will be together someday.
I hope someday you will like me.
I hope you will remember me.
I hope you will think of me.
I hope you will show some effort.
I hope you will stop avoiding me.
Most of all, I hope I will stop hoping for things that wouldn't happen.

went to airport to fetch those mission trippers last night. So sad, didn't get to see zh a little while more. They left too fast. Hais. I miss him a lot a lot. He didn't even wave or smile to me. Actually I don't expect this. Just hope he will.

Having to shine out in the crowd wasnt really what i’m looking for. Being left with not much time for other personal amusement wasnt actually a choice anymore. You once promised me heaven and yet you brought me hell, leaving me behind in this concrete jungle alone to survive. I think I’m being too nice. Don’t blame me when I turn my back on you and things become ugly. Well, I need not prove to u anything so as i know you wouldnt be of any better thou. You should just wait and see, if this is how you want me to treat you.



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I want to migrate away. I’m sick of morning/evening jams, sick of the immensely small land area, sick of hordes of people everywhere, sick of limited opportunities, sick of feeling suffocated and strangled. I’m sorry I do not like to be in the rat race, I do not fancy climbing the corporate/social ladder, I do not want to be famous and rich and drive posh cars, neither do I have the stamina to go on working like there’s no tomorrow. I’m genuinely tired. Is it so difficult to want to be carefree and happy?

If I could crystallize sunsets and bottle whispers, then maybe this wouldn’t have to be so difficult.

Work. Work work work. Keep working. Working working. But still can't help thinking. Sucks.

Yeah i like to assume things. You dont like to be wronged? Then think of your actions!
Anyway, its not I did not WANT to talk to you. It was I did not DARE to talk to you. Get that. Period.
This is what happens when you read my blog. Stop reading, no use making yourself unhappy for NOTHING because you DON'T CARE. ya?
No, don't cry, no. AHHHH

Zh's coming back from Cambodia tomorrow! Yaaaay. I miss himmm :/ it feels different this time. I remember last time he went, I was expecting two people to be back, zh and jj.

Heard a song I used to listen a lot of times during that time when we me and JJ talked on the phone every night. I guess that period of time I did like him. And I don't know why when listening the song, the feeling comes back. Don't know how to describe it but just great. Hais, but things are different now. Who to blame? Takes two hands to clap. Perhaps it was meant to end like this. End? Did I just use that word? Ah darn.
那个感觉，好想再有一次

You called my name? You sure you did? If you did, I think i didn't hear you. But then again, I have to say, it's just different this time. I feel like we are both very very far away. Friends? I'm skeptical about this. you think about it too, how you treat me? Walk pass me like I'm invisible? Just because I will be in the same photo with you so you immediately rejected to take? Didn't even ask/bother when I left? sorry if I'm wrong about you. This is how I feel about now. Your words contradicts you actions. You said you still treat me as my friend, yet you didn't put in that extra effort to prove it. sorry if you think I'm being unreasonable, I just feel a very very huge distance between us. Feels like.. There's no chance for us to sit down at talk like before again. It's not me, it's you. Im tired of trying. I'm giving up. You think la, I was the one tryin so hard to salvage but I get nothing. Yes, nothing. I'm tired. I'm sorry.
Utterly disappointed. Sorry if I'm asking too much. But I just feel that you're not making enough effort to go that extra mile.

How the hell you even get to this blog?

Dear Best Friend,
I still miss you to this day, a day doesn’t go by where I don’t think of you atleast once, and I wish I didn’t. You don’t deserve it.

i could have stayed over for the chalet. i chose not to. why? because of leonard's attitude towards me. he totally changed after he got shanice. okay, only his attitude towards me changed. he still treats others the same. i was talking on the phone while they were playing poke cards BY THE BACK DOOR. he shouted acrossed 'can you go outside and close the door when you're talking on the phone?' and everybody laugh. fuck. that moment, i decided not to beg for staying over. why is leonard doing these to me? i used to trust him so much. now i really dislike him. i hate how he changed into. i hate the present him.

i think tingwei's attitude towards me is okay, but i just feel a bondary between us. but he treats me better than the others. perhaps he dont hate me as much as jiajun do.

i have nothing more to say about jiajun. he just treats me like a stranger (actually, worse than that) i still remeber i was taking phone with jieyu and yiqi, alex asked jj to join in he immediately rejected. i knew it was because i will be inside. although in the end he still took with us. but i know, i know he didnt want to take photo with me. this isnt tthe first time.

i really really dont know, what happened to us.

zh sent me a msg on whatsapp saying have fun in taiwan to me! omg! really damn happy when i saw that. really. thanks. i didnt expect that. thanks for that, zh :)

when im back, he'll be in cambodia already. i will miss him, hais!

take care.