in this last minute, i finally changed my mind to go with PAP instead. i told myself i was lazy to pack and dw to play water (they're planning to go www) so i wanna go with the girls instead. and also a good chance to dress myself up!thinking things on the bright side so i wont be so sian! and i'm really hoping that i wont regret this choice. i hope i wont feel so.. so left out.

Samuel they all are going out for Xmas celebration on the 26th too. i gave a straight yes when he asked. but on the other side, I was 'supposed' to go out with PAP. but that was a maybe only. it was quite a headache to choose between both coz I know might want to go with PAP (but it was the feeling of being left out stopping me) and Sam they all.
I told Sam why I wanted a date change. and I fucking regretted. he insisted on me going out with PAP. the way he sees it was I rather go out with people I knew for month than people I knew for four years. but what he don't see was what am I with PAP & how I feel when I'm with them. I feel left out. I feel lonely. I feel worse. I feel like a background, or air, or dust, whatever. I'd rather be alone than feel lonely in a crowd of friends. I just simple don't mean anything to any one of them... I used to have Xueqi, but now she is close to the others and she just simply don't bother about me anymore. I'm not trying to sound mean, and I really don't want to. but that's what I feel. at least being with Sam they all makes me happy and less lonely. I'm not saying that they're just a replacement for PAP. I'm happier with them than in with PAP. I just don't belong to PAP, I feel. no one gives me that sense of belonging. simply bcos no one cares! and I really can't be bothered anymore! coz it's just useless...
being with Sam they all can also make me feel more relaxed. most imptly happy. I needed that, badly. I chose to be immature and childish to have fun...to forget what I should forget. and I'm really happy. but everything just comes back at night. there's no escape to this. I'm in a mess.

that's why I chose to go out with Sam they all. I know Sam feels bad about this, I hope he won't be. it was my choice, I won't regret. but he don't know why I'm making this choice, and he still feels bad and encourages me to go out with PAP even after I tried convincing him. he don't know why. he don't know anything.
I hope he knows.


Shuanghui asked me if I still like zh. I just said yeah but it doesn't matter anymore!
"Why?"
"bcos it's forever one-sided!"
"Aiya just don't think about it anymore haha"
"hahaha..I don't care liao la! just let whatever it is now be lor"
I lied.

"Empty." I tweeted.

jiajun responded, '@RTJX empty? Meaning? No water to drink?'

'@C_JiaJun you should get what I meant. '

'@RTJX so care for a chat? Haha'

'@C_JiaJun sure :)'

i was so happy when he asked for a chat. i dont know why. how long has it been since we last chatted?

still, the conversation we had on whatsapp wasnt long. what he simply told me was that dont feel empty la etc. he also said i dont love myself enough. lack of love. 

little did he know, he was one of the major reasons that contributed to my emptiness! we had a short chat, really short. he didnt reply me. sigh, i shouldnt expect much from him, either. and I hate how he can come and talk to me, got bored then leave. I was about to pour out all my feelings to him and he just, left.
I still look back sometimes, at photos, talkbox messages, and songs which reminds me of the past. and I really miss 'us'. I miss how direct and carefree he used to me. I miss how lightly we took things and had so much fun. I miss talking on the phone with him, a lot a lot. even if I'm given a chance to talk on the phone with him, the feeling won't be the same anymore. in fact, it's totally different... I really miss that feeling, I want to feel it once again. I miss him.
I don't know why is he so fucking important to me, and it scares me to realize this too.

tzehui asked me if i wna join for the celebration of christmas with them on the 26th. after much deliberation, i still gave a maybe. what am i thinking? what's stopping me? it's the feeling that i've always hated the most; being left out. i really, really dont like it. so how? should i join? i've really no idea. i asked how are they going to celebrate, she said the plan isn't out yet. guess i'll just see how they're going to celebrate and if i'm interested. i'll go.

this time, it's not the people who go that matter, it's the place/plan that will affect my decision. why? bcos i hate feeling left out! and i'm not even important to them! so why should i even... argh!

sometimes i hope sam they all will know why i dont want them to read this. i'm empty. i'm complicated. i'm just.. not good. and i don't wanna spoil that image of mine i have in them right now. i dont want any pity. i'm happy now, and i dont wanna bring up anything. i dont want them to know i'm such an empty, lousy, and fked up person. i want to continue having fun with them. and i'm afraid this might not last very long from now.

i'm starting to get used to the insignificance i have in the group, and i'm letting it go. i guess this is just what i've to eventually do. sometimes i do look back and sigh, 'i really miss those times'. i know this is useless. but i really, really do. those steamboats, fun, quarrels, indirect scoldings, care, words, pictures taken, and many many other things. and now everyone forgets them like it was a dust of wind flew thru. no one remembers me. no one cares. they have their new friends and moved on. i'm stucked here, all alone. i hate how people only find me when they need me, and forgets me when i'm not needed. what? am i your tool? apparently to them it's a yes.

i know no one cares about me already, and i'm just trying to live by myself, do things by myself. i just sigh sometimes, hoping someone will be there for me when i'm down.

hate how insignificant I feel when I'm inside the group. really. no one really cares.

JJ told me to go for the chalet when I didn't wanna go. he kept persuading. I have nth to do but to compromise. and yes, I went. and yes, I felt invisible. there was a reason why I kept sleeping. there's nothing for me to do. no one to talk to. I hate it. I wished to just sleep away the whole chalet. I guess why JJ was so persistent on asking me go coz Tzehui wanted me to! fuck this! I srsly hate how I'm so fucking unimportant to him, and his affection is everything to him.
Xueqi is also drifting away from me. I never never imagined this would happen. she is now close to the girls and guys in the group, and she just threw me aside. I don't wanna sound mean but this is really how I feel. I don't like this. I really have no one now. really. and what to do? get used to it lor.

what am I to them? Seriously.