so, so awkward. idk lah wtf when theres only me and him its just so quiet and awkward omg. AGHHHH I HATE IT CAN WE JUST TALK OMG. rlly dk what to do lol its like i miss him so much and he's right infront of me but i cant do anything. i have the urge to just go forward and tell him i miss u a lot a lot :( but its so obvious u will never care again but why am i still expecting from u srslyzzz

last last evening i went to jem to meet jj and tw. and so many memories came in. i dont know if i should call them good or bad. good because i enjoyed those times. bad because it wasnt genuine actions. fk this shit why must there alwahs be something that remains me of u every single day? i am trying so hard to forget and let go but it seems like i can never do it!

today, i walked pass the place we used to walk together.

today is another sad day. again i see a second zh in you. its so disappointing. why am i still expecting from you. i know all i will get from it is nothing!

fak this sounds like what i felt bout zh last time zz

days before i went to nihon mura for late dinner with tingwei and royce. sigh reminds me of many many things we did together. i rmb the first time we went out together i was so apprehensive and afriad that there was a trap or something. but it ended up to be really just me and him. the first time we went out tgt i rmb we went strictly pancakes because i wanted it. he ordered a really yucky dish and when we tasted each others' food i knew he liked mine more. but he insisted in letting me eat mine when i requested to change with him. we then walked around aimlessly. we walked thru little india, then to city sqaure mall. and still continue walking aimlessly after which we took a random bus which ended us up at shaw plaza. we watch Secret Life of Walter Mitty because he wanted to watch it. i tried persuading him in watching horror flim but he insisted in that movie. hahaha. we then went to have dinner at nihon mura because it was at the same level as the movie threate. before entering i was actaully afraid cuz i might not even eat anything. but then he told me there was other food and searched what food i might eat. in the restaurant he took photos of the menu etc and sent to twil group, telling them the food was nice. then i told him i actually checked in at shaw plaza, he was like shocked and quickly told the group he was eating with his cousin. at that point i was actually quite puzzled; why is he so secretive bout us? hahahaha i guess i know the ans now. 

i rmb another time after taking Os results we all went fish&co with shahid and co. i ordered some peanut buttter drink and it was so damn sweet and i couldnt continue drinking. and sf actually finished it for me! i tried stopping him a lot of times saying if u dont like just leave it. but he insisted. omg. he is someone who does not like sweet stuff and he is actaully finishing that super super sweet drink for me!? 

so many so many things i rlly wna tell u. sigh sometimes i really hope i can control my emotions well. 

today i saw sf walking pass me. i dk why i feel so sad and helpless when i just saw him walk past and not going up and say hello. my fren was beside me sitting down so it'll be weird to go up and sf and leave her alone there. sigh..if i was alone i swear i will go up to him and say 'hey you know what what if i rlly like u a lot' smth like that. but i guess not fated la. haiz damn sad...rlly rlly miss him :/ 

i feel like i am dead. like just died. its like a dead soul in a living body! i really dont know what i want, what i am trying to achieve in life. am i going to retain? if so what for i come to jc? i am really getting afraid. perhaps i will just scrap thru and promote, but then a levels how? sigh i feel so lost and hopeless. i really really wish there is someone i can talk to, someone i can let out my troubles to... i've been trying too hard to be happy and now i am tired. everyone's impression of me is all cheerful and all. but the fact is that i am dead inside! hahaha i dont know la. i wish sf was here. i wish i could still talk to him. yesterday nizam whatsapped me. the first thing i saw nizam on my phone i thought of sending it to sf (because i used to do it everytime when nizam whatsapped me), then i remembered we dont talk anymore. i really miss him. sometimes i do convince myself that i dont miss him, but i miss the idea of having someone who likes and takes care of me. but whats the fact? haahaha actually i dont know! but i would like to let myself believe its because i miss the idea of having someone who loves me

sigh just talk to me already :(

i always have this tendancy to ask myself to try again. try talking to u again. but then i realize its nvr gonna change anything. i didnt only try once. but one after another u continued to ignore and avoid. i told myself not to think bout u again ever since i see u becoming like zh. but its easier said than done! i really hate this feeling! i just want to forget u and move on! but why is it so hard?!

how to push myself further? i am srsly lacking the motivation and push already...life is so darn meaningless. i dont know what i want. i dont know who i love. i dont know what to do. 

that night: two days ago, i skype IM-ed him saying 'i know ive taken away lots of your time. i know this is selfish but can i demand for more'

there was no reply. agh idk why this is so depressing i just feel like puching the wall and scold myself for being so dumb!! and yestrrday when we all went out he even avoided sitting the same table as me! (we were split into diff tables at mac) wtf! that looks totally like what zhenhao will do! i srsly cant believe he is also like that! 就算是我看错你了！fucking disappointed! 

what to look forward in life anymore? hoesntly time is passing by waiting for me to die. maybe if now a car rush towards me i wont even attempt to run. because theres no reason to! i dont even know what i want in life...i am just studying for the sake of studying. i dont know. i feel so hopeless and helpless.