i am afraid. i'm damn afraid! i wanna smile and wave to you when i see you in sch tomorrow. but.. :( i'm really afraid you'll be irritated and 'forced' to smile and wave back :( really scared. hais! what should i do :(?!
but..
since you waved and smiled to me in the bus, why would you mind me smiling and waving at you? right? haiyo but aiyaaaaa so scared!! ><
 can i know what you're thinking? please? everything would be so much easier if i do. :(
so confused!
but i'm still the happiest girl in earth cos you smiled and waved to me. from wed till now, i'm still so happy :')
simple little things from you makes me happy. thanks so much. iloveyousomuch. <3! although i know you dont <

OMGGGG I am so happy today okayyy!!!!

today
go bukit timah with berner
to find them
leonard, jiajun, zhenhao, alex and boonkang
at lan
then we leave
me leo and zh took the same bus
i going jurong west so i alight last
leonard alight first lo
then left me and zh in bus
very quiet..
awkrawd..
thennn
he alightinf righ
he wave amd smile and me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
xD
Xd
XD
i never thought he would do this
i thought he would just
walk off
omg but xD
omggg!

lazy to type out just copy paste from what i told xueqi in msn. :P

just wanna keep the details cos in the future i can read :)

ilovehimsomuch <3

I really hope zh doesn't hates me. Like seriously, talk to me soon please. Although we can talk for awhile in msn, but real life it's like we don't know each other. I really miss you. I really do..

I suddenly realized, I still like him so much.. So I guess I'm correct, just a short time of liking another person, I think that isn't like, just a replacement? Hais. But still, I'm sorry if I replaced zh for him.

Zh ah zh, talk to me soon! You're a boy! I can't be the one taking the first step everytime! I alr try alot of times le. Many times I feel so useless. >_<.

HAHAHAHAHA SO FUNNY!!!!

zhenhao thinks:
kira is crazy
bernice is just...not interested­­

HAHAHAHAAHA!!! SO FUNNY LOLLL!!!!

the reason i wanna go for the bbq was, i wanna see two persons.

why? what is happening to me?

this isn't the first time alrdy.

perhaps it will be like that time..

i liked him for a while, but after that i like zhenhao again. only zhenhao.

is it possible to like two persons at a time?

i think it is.


But i know, sooner or later, it will be back to normal agn.
Maybe i'm just not really used to be alone.
I need a companion.
Maybe this is why i fall for people so easily. (for a short period)

Is this bad?

i think it is.

he asked me. 'what if I like you?' I laughed, 'crazy, don't think so much, you won't. ' he replied, 'you never know.'

he sound serious. this made me think for so long. why? I don't know why this matter can make me think so long. and i was always looking forward to midnight, when he'll call me and we chat till very late. issit that I'm starting to like him alrdy?

when Zhenhao finally replied me in msn, I don't find myself as happy as in the past. but I still hope to talk to him so much.

I don't know.

I always thought the person I like was Zhenhao.

But why am I having these thoughts?

I don't know.

Perhaps it was just a thought.

Perhaps I replaced him with Zhenhao.

Perhaps.... I really like him.

But I know

I will continue to like Zhenhao.

ARGHHH SO SAD NOW :(
Afternoon, leonard, tingwei and boonkang came to my house. they said zhenhao was coming. i was like waiting... at 2pm++ he was watching movie with alex, tw say they would come after that. so i thought, perhaps around 4 or 5pm? tw they all left at 4. at tht point i knew he wont be coming. sad. :(( alex called me after that, asking where we were. i told him they go alr. he said okay. at that point i knew they won't be coming anymore, for sure.
6pm. berner called me. he told me tht zh, him and alex will be coming. i was so damn bloody happy. i was at the market, i went home and wait for them. after about an hour, they're still not here. i smsed berner asking if they're still coming.  guess what he replied? "Zhen hao dont want come liao. Sorry"  I KNEW IT! DAMN IT MAN! I KNEW HE WON'T WANT TO SEE ME!
I FELT LIKE CRYING. FUCK. WHY BOTHER GIVING ME FALSE HOPES WHEN YOU'RE NOT GONNA COME?! IS BULLYING ME REALLY THAT FUN?! DID YOU EVER THOUGHT OF MY FEELINGS?!!?!! WHY MUST EVERYONE BE LIKE THIS TO ME! ITS SO UNFAIR. IT REALLY IS. WHY IS ALL THESE RUBBISH HAPPENING TO ME? WHY ISSIT ALWAYS ME!? WHY CAN'T I BE LIKE THE OTHERS? WHY AM ALWAYS THE ONE BEING USED? I DONT KNOW! EVERYONE JUST FUCKINGLY FIND ME WHEN THEY NEED ME! AND WHEN I'M NOT USEFUL ALRDY, JUST THROW ME ASIDE! WHAT THE FUCK!? WHY!? AM I REALLY A DAMN BAD FREIND? WHY MUST EVERYONE TREAT ME LIKE THIS? NEED ME FIND ME DONT NEED ME I'M NTH! WHY CAN LIFE BE FAIR TO ME FOR JUST ONCE!
reading back past chatlogs between him and jingxuan. i feel like crying even more.  you once hate me so much... its hard to believe that now you dont hate me alrdy.. its hard.. i know i dont mean anything to you, just a fat ass that block your view of YAQI.

Leonard, I don't know if you'll be reading this but, if you do, please don't show anyone this blog. I don't want anyone to know.. Only you know this blog. I've decided to continue posting here as there're no other places I can rant out. It's okay if you wanna read but just, don't let anyone know. ESP Zhenhao. He'll be angry if he sees all these. He will feel disgusted. For sure. :( kay?

Why?

You know what? I really miss you so damn much.. :( I know we are really impossible already, but why, why do i keep on having hopes? Words can't describe how i feel. Everyday, looking at my phone, waiting and hoping tht you'll text me. but no, not even once. sighs, i know it will never happen. Royce said, you don't mind being back friends. i dont mind too but, it will be awkrd between us, it surely will. I'm tht type of person who will always end up sabotaging our friendship if we are really friends.. if we could really be friends, we won't end up like this now.. i was too direct in speaking and my action. It was my fault for things to be like this, you didn't do anything wrong. the person who is fault was me. :(
Jiajun told me tht, yaqi didn't like you before. i was like WTF!!? I REALLY DAMN ANGRY KAY! LAST YEAR, IN TWITTER, BOYF HERE AND THERE. LIKE AS IF SHE LOVE YOU SO DAMN MUCH! AND YOU EVEN FELL IN LOVE WITH HER! SHE'S LIKE TOYING YOU FEELINGS YOU KNOW?! I WAS SO DAMN BLOODY JEALOUS OF HER THT TIME. MANY PEOPLE THOUGHT BOTH OF YOU WERE AN ITEM BUT NO. YET SHE KEEP BOYF,BOYF,BOYF. i really dont understand her, seriously.. why is she liddat.. is she flirt or what, i really don't know.. I REALLY DONT KNOW! WHY? WHY? WHY?!!!! the reason why i can be so angry cos of this is tht i NEVER THOUGHT tht she didnt really LOVE YOU! what if both of you were really tgt tht time?! THN IT WILLL BE LIKE, YOU LIKE HER, BUT SHE DIDNT REALLY LOVE YOU! i'm still sad over the fact tht you liked her before. i really can't let go of this fact. i cant.
she claimed me snatching tw they all away. i didnt have tht intention. i swear i didn't. and please, when it tw they all even hers? she say me till liddat, i really dk what to say. she say i fake. sighs. forget it kay. everything is my fault. yes. continue to scold me. please i beg you.

when you will ever talk to me agn? i was really damn damn happy tht you smiled and waved to me at the airport before departure.. :) and now thinking back of the msg you sent me, i can smile. really smile. and really be happy. tht was the happiest day of this year. this year.. hais.