oh and just now cmy told me when he asked if they wna wait for me (to come out of the classroom so we can leave ach tgt) and yj just kept quiet. and when i catch up with them alr thn yj just ran out of sch like rushing off without even saying bye. i didnt give much thought abt it cos i tot he was rlly rushing off cos his dad fetching him. but cmy say normally he would say bye to them before he leave even if he have to rush offf but when i just joined them he rushed off immediately??? whats wrong sia. i am not even doing anything special alr and i treat him like how i treat my friends sia. whats with the avoidance man

today i saw my contact name in his phone. 

"PJC Rachel Tan"

i know i shouldnt be feeling this sad because this is expected and will happen one day. but i dont know why.... 

i cant believe how you can just go around tell ppl i like you and thats all? like it was all along one sided??? wtf man thanks la u totally made me look like a fking loser chasing over nothing. i guess that just made u feel btr abt urself and made urself look btr because it sounded like i am a fking loser?

and its like how i tried my best to keep all these to as little people as possible, but it feels like u are telling everyone. when people ask me or disturb i will just brush it off and casually say we are just good friends

i feel angry, but at the same time i feel fking sad and disappointed. cos this also shows what i am to you...

ps: he took out the phone cover, and it has been vvv long. i guess he's nvr putting it back agn. 

this feels so so weird. i dont know why

idk why i feel like shit when i saw u talking so happily with another girl...agh fk it la idc alr!!!!

in other news im so glad u did well for myes!!! it somehow made me feel that this 'breakup' was worth it(at least for u).

sometimes i feel rlly helpless when ppl dont give me the respect i think i deserve...like i know i slow and stupid luh but sometimes i rlly dk some things so i want to ask so i will know right?? why must everybody always pull me down and treat me like an idiot... i dont wna be like that too, its just that i dont read up or catch up on many stuff so i am clueless abt stuff most of the time and im also not confident of what i alr know so i need reconfimation of certain stuff...so i just ask to know what is right? is that wrong??? i mean its okay to joke and play around sometimes la but is it rlly necessary to make me feel like shit everytime... sigh maybe thts why yj left, he felt im too stupid ba hahahaha. i guess it just confirms how no one would want someone like me

dreamt of the old you.... sigh i rlly miss you. kinda sad how i dont have anyone to talk to abt this... i mean ppl who i usually talk to will get tired of listening also cos its the same old shit so ya :/ sigh

that (or the) ship has sailed 

1. informal

used in reference to an opportunity that has passed or a situation that can no longer be changed.

"we're good friends but I don't think we'll ever be anything more to each other—that ship has sailed"

well, i guess the ship has sailed. 

i know i shouldnt, but i've been thinking abt it ever since myes ended, and got some conclusions in between.

1. difference between giving up on someone and still liking someone. 

i like to think both as two different concepts. you can give up on someone by giving up the idea on being together but still like that person. because liking someone is a feeling while giving up on someone is more of an action? okkay im rlly bad at expressing what i feel but ya this is roughly how it is. i think this is how i am feeling right now? i dont rlly carry any hopes of making up but i still like him alot. like ya ofc his actions and words are still gonna affect me alot but i think i've alr given up on the idea to 'patch' back

2. the reason why he left.
i tried to think in his perspective to understand why he chose to did that (i was quite free) and i surprisingly got some conclusions. he told me he doesnt want me to wait. and that he is 'trying to let go (of me)'. most people will tell me he probably doesnt like you anymore so he just came up with excuses or say it in a way to not hurt me. when i tried thinking in his perspective he actly kind of make sense la. it's like ya he still liked me but he wasn't ready for this anytime soon so he felt that he needed a break from these until he is ready? scrolling thru his insta can probably see what are his priorities; npcc, alvlvs, friends etc...so he prob isnt ready for a r/s. and the reason why he doesnt want me to wait is because he doesn't know when he will be ready, and it is unfair to let me wait when he doesnt even know how long i'll have to wait so he felt that it's better that he let me go

3. whats next?

i believe what he has done is the best for both of us la. altho i am damn sad and i really like him but that doesnt mean i can cling to him. i cant be selfish.... i just hope if we were meant to be, someday we will make it somehow. i think i will only be damn damn damn sad if hes gonna get a gf in the next few month (even after As) sigh

4. is not contacting him better?
its weird/ironic how after this "breakup" i seem to know him better, and see alot of things clearer...is like him showing me who he really is as a person. i dont know why , but i feel tht he is really mean to me? not in real life but more of in text. but sometimes real life also la. like i texted him to jiayou he can just blue tick no reply? i felt so shitty la. and his replies are either one word or none. friends?? is this how you even treat a friend agh. and sometimes in real life you just like say things that make me sad 'i dont want to know', 'orh thn idw see' (but most of the times you are v nice la idk why text and rl so damn diff) i think its better tht i cut off connection (like dont text him AT ALL) with him la like dont fucking do anything because i dont know why this negative impression of him is starting to form in my mind, and negative is not hate but sad. the sad memories are going to overwrite the happy memories..... i am so fucking afraid someday i will forget all the happy memories because its filled with sad memories. i dont want that man.. i want to look back and feel happy abt those things we did and how happy i was and how much i liked him and gave what i could. i dont want our memories to be filled with tears, mostly from my side because i was hurt so badly. i was to think back and feel happy, and not ended up with saying '他留给我的回忆都是流着眼泪的。' perhaps it true, 不再见是为了保留你最好的终点 - words that perfectly describe this. keep the happy and good memories of him, and dont create any negative ones. i want to keep the version of you that is good and nice, at least in my memories. 

i dont know why i feel so affected when u intentionally dont like my photos. cos you liked a photo tht is a few photos after mine, so its not possible tht u didnt see mine or sth. this might be just a small thing but i dont know why am i so affected. its like you dislike me alot or sth. fuck this la idc alr

was so worried for my grandma just now when we were on the way to the hosp. we waited damn long for her turn for consultation. i was so worried. i felt even more shitty when i couldnt translate stuff accurately cos she doesnt understand english. i felt so shitty. and i wish i could talk to you. sigh

some days i am ok, some nights i just get fucking sad. and i rlly miss you. i kept telling myself there are alot others out there. but i just want you ):

pictures, they speak

and hurt 

i miss orientation man. it was that period we started to hang out more. can nvr forget going to find u and jiawei for dinner everytime after og, always stealing glances to see u at av room, passing u the strepsils thru the basket from hall to av rm. buying bfast for me when i was super late for og. 

you were so nice to me. and now things are just so fucking different, like how you are so mean to me and remain indifferent abt everything. is this the real you, or you are just acting like that deliberately to fuck me off?

"i hate who you’ve become, but I’ve always loved who you always were."

i was late just now. 

after reachingg the library

"see la watch show somemore la"

"no it wasnt a show, i watched them live!!!!"

"oh i dont want to know"

..??? ):

its just sad how you can treat me so mean. maybe i am expecting too much, but i dont think i'll ever do that if i were you

i feel so stupid. sent you a text to encourage u cos i saw ur tweet. and i got conveniently  ignored. and damn damn damn sad. i dont thjnk i should complain or rant to anyone tho, bcos i really deserve it.