I think I've found a sub for zh. I think

was supposed to celebrate derrick's bday with him on the actual day. we both agreed on it. then some days before he told me if he can change it to another day. he told me because nichole is celebrating with him. what can i say? i just said okay lor. but fuck wtfuck is this, you said ok and now you're putting others before me? aiya i'm too tired to bother about this.. it's just all about priorities.

2 things. 

The first thing would be the camp. I felt so fucking left out. First day was okay I was with derrick because he wasn't very late. But it was boring. He was quiet and unwilling to do many things. It kind of spoilt my mood. But it was okay. Second day went downhill. Derrick was extremely late to the extend I was unable to wait for him. So I met jiajun and co instead. Initially was alright as there was zongyi jiajun they all talking. Until yaqi joined in and stuck to jiajun and bk. We were all seperated in the convention center. And I was left with no one. Yes the others (zongyi and Royce) were still with me but it was so awkward! Zongyi is always noisy and talkative but when JJ or/and bk are not around he became very quiet! So it was really sian. And derrick was way behind because he was so so late. During lunch we were back all together. That's when I started to feel left out. Till the end of the camp. 

I do not remember when was the last time I felt such immense loneliness. It is scary even tho I'm with a large crowd of people, I can still feel very lonely. 

I had the urge to post this on the second night of the camp but I stopped myself. I did not want JJ to start giving me attention because he knew I felt left out. It would feel really artificial and I won't like it. JJ: I would rather you read it now so you can throughoutly enjoy the camp without considering my feelings (and if it bothered you you would have tried to back then) I want to lock this blog up soon. I can't do it now because I'm on iPhone blogger. I do not want leonard and tingwei to continue reading. Give me your google account email if you have one. 

The second thing would be zh. When I approached him for a photo, I was so happy when he placed his hands on my shoulder. It was like the first time he is doing it! I was so happy. Then I look at insta and saw he did the same thing to every girl..okay. That's okay. Then I realized he liked every photo of him except for mine. I know this might seem a really trivial thing but the fact is I was really affected. Why me? Why only me? Why is he still treating me this way. I thought we could really start off being friends. Fuck it. Perhaps he still cannot treat me as his friend. I don't know. I went to his profile. My thumb, having a distance between the 'unfollow' button, was hovering and my mind was thinking to press It or not.  I felt ah, just do it, man. So I pressed it, I unfollowed him. I guess it doesn't even matter because he wasn't even following me..like what bullshit, you said we could be friends, and you still refused to follow me back. Fuck this man. I am still feeling so miserable. This is it. I am not gonna continue doing things I do not wish to. I am just gonna do and say whatever I want to. Profanities, I will stop controlling them. I will scold whatever I want. I realized I've always been wanted to create a good impression to zh. I realized the people I am afraid of being judge isn't the society, isn't the people I know, is zh. I don't know know who am I anymore....to the extend I often question myslef who is rach, what kind of a person rach is. I felt good scolding profanities whenever I want to now. I am not going to be tied down by what I think zh expect of me. The fact is he never even considered me. I am going to do whatever I want to. I will find tons of guys to satisfy my need for attention. I will change myself. I will lose weight. I will earn lots of money and use it to do whatever I want; liposuction, new clothes, weight loss management, club. I wanna distance myself from everyone. I do not want to again try to blend in and feel left out. 

Friends. What are friends. Do I even have them. Xueqi? Haha what! She doesn't even talk to me! In red camp she stood behind me I was like eh, oi. And she just treated as if I was invisible. Haha then forget it! I can't be bothered anyway! She have tzehui they all then don't need me alr! Os finish alr also don't need me alr! I've never seen her putting in effort! It has always been me! I will never again put in effort in people who do not appreciate it! I don't know myself anymore. I just don't...I thought I could move on. I always thought giving up zh was possible it's just that I want to do it or not. But now when I want to I realize I can't. All these years I've been lying to myslef. All these years I've been distancing more and more towards the original Rachel. Till now I don't even recognize myself. Till now I don't see any purpose in doing anything.

I want to tweet my feelings out but I shouldn't do that. I wanna let it all out. I wanna let it all out. Feel so confined! Swear I'm going insane soon fuck. Feeling damn miserable. Gonna blog them real soon

你有没有曾经深爱一个人？对那个人充满着爱。你认为这一辈子有他就对了。但是突然有一天你发现，他不是你想中那样。然后那一剎那所有你对那个人的认知、的信仰、疯狂一瞬间不见了。然后你发现你一直都在为你自己画出一个理想中的他。到最后的最后，你才会明白..原来是自己在伤害自己。

Red camp tomorrow.

hais. i don't even wanna go. but i have to accompany derrick

how i (should) feel about me towards zh now.

I saw Ryan today. He is someone I know who looks alike to zh. I was so happy just now when I saw him we conversed. Then I realised not only on way he looks, the way he speaks is also alike to zh. Both of them are so alike. The only difference would be the strong cig smell from his breath. I was really mesmerized by his face LOL too handsome. Wah if only I can know him more! Hais zh everywhere. Today I failed. 

Ever since that conversation I told myself to never get upset over him anymore. I make myself to not think, not care anything about him. I take myself as a ostrich. Yes boonkang this time you're right I'm an ostrich! I also told myself not to tweet anything about him anymore. Today I failed. 

I'm gonna work and work and work. To keep thoughts off. 

I feel I like I'm dead. 

I dk how should I feel. It feels like it's really the end. I feel like crying. When was the last time I felt this sad. I can't recall. I remember the reason was him. I feel like a total failure. I should be happy that he finally told me how he feel. But im just damn sad. To be proven wrong on something I've believed strongly in many years. To let myself realise I failed badly in relationships. To let myself plummet into the endless universe. To realise I can never have him. To realise from the start I did not stand any chance. To realise how useless I am. To realise that my persistence will never bring me to where I wanna go and what I want. To lose hope in many things.

I feel so lost. 

Today is the deadline. I should be starting to give up on him. I should. But liking him is a feeling, how do I ever stop?

Fuck I'm feeling so so worse now. I wish I had someone to cry to. 

so frustrated! saw derrick they all throwing things they dw into my bag! i know they're just playing but i just hate it! i dont know why! i even scolded him and asked him to not do it again. i dont know why i felt so angry and hurt! i rmb i saw derrick putting those things into my bag then when i appeared he quickly stopped what he was doing and acted as if nothing happened. i knew they were just playing and meant no harm but i felt fucking angry! it reminded me of many unpleasant things! that scene when he quickly stopped what he was doing and acted as if nothing happened felt like as tho everyone was against me! it felt like i was hated by everyone! i felt outcasted! i felt all alone! that feeling was so surreal and intense! i hate it man! that was why i was so angry! i know they're not at fault coz they were just playing. the problem is with me! i had a bad experience when i was outcasted in childcare! but i was so bad to actually scold derrick for it! fuck la! what am i doing with my life! why am i driving people away like this!

Leo told me zh's reaction when leo asked him bout my bday present for him. Zh said. 'You wanna read? I let you read'

Wah......zzz if he took it as a joke I'll be damn angry/sad. Aiya I don't have the right to be angry! So I can only be sad haishaishaishiash sian..... Tmr is the last paper! And Tuesday he's coming for the steamboat! So Tuesday shall be the last day! Perhaps I should try asking for his response for the letter before I really decide to give up. If he refuse to give any response then I know what to do already!

Have been thinking for going for liposuction until derrick told me there's a danger to my life for it..agh. 

I need a break from reality. Do you exprienced before the taste of being betrayed? Yes this is what the taste is, bitter. But a little sweet, cause you know, you will not believe this person anymore, you know that this person can't be trusted anymore, you know who is your real best friends, and who are the fake ones. I finally realised who should i believe now, yeah i know i'm gullible, so it's my fault for being gullible. My fault for treating you my best friends. My fault for beliving you lies just to make me. My fault for saying out my problems to you, to make you have chance to make me. My fault to keep letting you to hurt me and i'm still treating you as my bestest friend. I shouldn't believe people so easily now. Thanks that person for telling me this truth, to let me know who should i believe now. Yeah, i will stop being naive from now, i will grow up. Friends come and go. I won't believe anyone of you all anymore. In life, people will come and people go. But eventually you’ll learn that the people who stay are the ones who will always be there, through all the bullshit, drama, good or bad times. They will be beside you, and you’ll realize that those are the only people you truly need.

Jan 6, 2010
After recess is english, nothing much to post about, teacher catch socks. Then maths, everytime when it's maths lesson i feel veryvery sleepy, her lessons damn boring canz. Then lit, first lesson of lit. Thenthen LSS, jiajun was called to come our group LOL. Then royce blow balloon then take balloon rub hair. The small pieces of paper which we holepunch paper the small small circle papers. After rubbing balloon to hair then put the balloon near the paper the paer will "hop"! Damn coool (Y) Then zhenhao go use the balloon rub my hair till damn messy wtf.

March 16, 2010

You know you can't avoid me. Yes march holidays you can, block me in msn? Sorry this doesn't work on me. You think you avoid me i will hate you? bullshit, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

March 18, 2010

I need a break from reality.
Do you exprienced before the taste of being betrayed? Yes this is what the taste is, bitter. But a little sweet, cause you know, you will not believe this person anymore, you know that this person can't be trusted anymore, you know who is your real best friends, and who are the fake ones. I finally realised who should i believe now, yeah i know i'm gullible, so it's my fault for being gullible. My fault for treating you my best friends. My fault for beliving you lies just to make me. My fault for saying out my problems to you, to make you have chance to make me. My fault to keep letting you to hurt me and i'm still treating you as my bestest friend. I shouldn't believe people so easily now. Thanks that person for telling me this truth, to let me know who should i believe now. Yeah, i will stop being naive from now, i will grow up. Friends come and go. I won't believe anyone of you all anymore. In life, people will come and people go. But eventually you’ll learn that the people who stay are the ones who will always be there, through all the bullshit, drama, good or bad times. They will be beside you, and you’ll realize that those are the only people you truly need.

You can hate me. You can get everyone to turn against me. You can do your best to destroy me. You can break me. You can hurt me. But I promise you the only thing that will be given in return is karma. And it will hit you so hard that you will suffer ten times worse than I did.

And this is what i am fucking thinking right now. I know karma will hit on you. It may not hit on you today, tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow. But i know karma will hit you one day. Ten times worse then i suffered. Watch out.


March 20, 2010

(12:58 AM) -----{ Zhenhao }:	if not she write rubbish in fb
(12:58 AM)  Annabelle:	0...oo
(12:58 AM) -----{ Zhenhao }:	lol nvm it's true to her
(12:58 AM)  Annabelle:	lolz
(12:59 AM) -----{ Zhenhao }:	lol she say what i turn everyone against her than uhh merrhh duhhh wth
(12:59 AM)  Annabelle:	y she say tht?
(12:59 AM) -----{ Zhenhao }:	how i know
(12:59 AM)  Annabelle:	haiz...
(12:59 AM) -----{ Zhenhao }:	i  think because
(12:59 AM)  Annabelle:	wait i appear off9
(1:00 AM) -----{ Zhenhao }:	they say give up on me than
(1:00 AM)	Annabelle 将状态更改为 显示为脱机
(1:00 AM)  Annabelle:	continue
(1:00 AM) -----{ Zhenhao }:	she don't want than fight so she hang out with your
(1:00 AM)  Annabelle:	i noe jieyu they all call her give up
(1:00 AM) -----{ Zhenhao }:	than say some friends are betrayer
(1:00 AM)  Annabelle:	haiz... her blog written everything
(1:01 AM) -----{ Zhenhao }:	quite true

i am so happy today because i unexpectedly saw zhenhao.  i was so so happy!! but i was so awkward i kept avoiding eye contact or looking aT him idk why...i just felt really awkward :/ and yeah so we still didn't talk. it's like everything went back to square one. hais, what can i expect! actually i'm really happy that he once initiated! what more can i ask for? :)

5 more days.

I thought I could start to try to give up. But when I saw his picture, I realised I can't. I couldn't bear to do so. I really really really like him. I guess the day when I really gave up would be the day I look at his picture and feel nothing. It's okay. Os have not ended yet. Please. Please just do something. Are we really not gonna be tgt......

Os are ending. So is my affection for zh.