Last night. Suddenly I feel significant. And I feel loved too. I was so happy. but so weird. idk why i feel something when i read this. like...love? ahh. i dont know. maybe it's just me being lonely for too long. but it's just so weird...i dk

Really really enjoy spending time with them. When God closes all doors, He will open a window for you. I like to be with people who'll acknowledge my existence and make sure I have as much fun as they have. It's funny how they care for me more than my friends of 5 years. Ha. 

Last night, I sent a message (merry xmas :)) to zhenhao. He didn't reply. 

Surprisingly, I do not feel as sad as I did in the past when he didn't reply. 

I am finally on my way to recovery.

Tmr's the chalet. I'm excited but I'm also scared. I will be the only girl in the chalet. I believe they're decent guys. But I'm still afraid. After all, I don't know them for damn long. 

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Sometimes I think I'm damn dumb. To think of jiajun as my best friend. Because it has never been mutual. 

Sometimes I confidently say 'I am over. I'm over zhenhao' but some nights I realise

It's a lie. 

Thank you, for letting me feel that there's someone who actually cares. Someone who genuinely cares.

I just realized there's no need for exaggeration for emptiness. Emptiness is just, nothing. 'I feel empty' and 'I feel so empty' have no difference. Empty is just empty. It's just nothing. By adding the 'so' infront of empty will not make the space emptier.

Empty. I feel empty. 

i dunno what am i thinking. like i'm living without a purpose. the only thing i wanna do is to work and earn money, nothing more. i dont even know why i am working so hard. i just want the money but it's for nothing! i feel so empty. craig is officially out of my mind. it wasn't hard to clear off thoughts about him because i did not sink too deep, he was like just an eye candy. if only back in sec2 i chose to give up zh earlier, it could have been easier.
now i'm just empty. what am i expecting, what do i want in life. who do i love. where/who are all the important people.everyone is drifting away from me. i dont even bother to put in anymore effort. at least now i know who are the ones worth it. no one apparently! haha

i'm so loney and empty. i feel so miserable so i come here hoping to let things out, then i realize i have nth to blog about! but i feel so sad. i guess this is rock bottom.


i guess now my only group of good friends would be samuel and co. i couldn't believe they treat me better than my 'group of friends'. i really appreciate them.the are the only ones who care.whenever i thought i'm all alone i realize i still have them. but i still feel so lonely.

Went to work with Samuel and co today and I have never felt so great for so long! I can't believe there's totally no awkwardness between us all and we can still have so much fun like how we used to have! It really feels good to know that there are people who acknowledges your existence. Samuel invited me to his chalet! I'm more than willing to go! I know it'll not be another 'sleep-thru' chalet like last year's PAP. The problem now is my dad! If he allows me to stay over! Haha I really can't wait to go out and have fun with them man! Today was the most tiring job in this year! But it was so fun! I am so tired but at the same time feel great! I really miss having fun with them man. Working tomorrow again! Today is a great day!

JJ whatsapped me. Yknow what I really dk what to say. 'I can't be there for you 24/7, I have other friends'. I don't know how many thousand times you've told me this and I completely understand. You're just a part time good friend of mine, that's what you make me feel. And you make me feel like you are obliged to care for me because I 'deserve better treatment', and it's like when you read my blog and you went 'oh shit I forget to care about Rachel!' then you talk to me. This is how you make me feel. You taught me to not neglect your old friends when you make new friends. You made me learn the hard way. While now I'm trying to treasure every friendship and the time we spent together, you are outside having fun with your new friends. This has been happening for quite a long time, but I kept silent. Because I don't wanna cause anymore unhappiness. You don't have to explain anything to me okay? I just felt like letting it all out. Maybe I'm not of top priority, I'm just one of your classmate/secondary school friend. I shouldn't expect so much from you. It's my fault. It's my fault

I don't even know why I am so affected by Craig. Just when I thought I found a substitute for zh, he just leave me hanging here. But I believe if he didn't, I will never treat him as a substitute. 

Fuck, I feel like I've been played by him. 

Craig haven't been replying me texts since yesterday. I think I am annoying him. I told myself to not get attached to someone so easily, but I still... I guess perhaps he's just a player. It's like he suddenly ignored me and left me hanging. I actually thought there is something between us, I thought something will happen. Haha, then I also thought no lah, these kind of things won't happen to me, I am not so lucky. I can't even imagine myslef in a relationship with someone.. I guess this just proved myself right! Haiya, forget it. Take it as I just had a nice dream and woke up

I thought I moved on when I started messaging him. But when I saw zh with another girl I just... And now Craig is ignoring my messages. Haha great. Two things just came at a go, just when I needed someone. 

Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit 

I just saw zh's lastest pic on insta. He's with a girl and caption contains emojis with heart shapes omg....

Why am I feeling so so so sad.

I thought I was over, I thought....

I don't know. I don't know. I feel dead now, don't wanna do anything just stare at things. I think not only a part of me has died, the whole of me has been consumed. I feel like I just died really tragically. Idk how to explain how I am feeling, this is the best I can do

I got this feeling that if I stopped liking zh, I'll start to hate him. Idk why I have this feeling. But I am starting to sense it