haiz looking a zh's fb really makes me feel envy+sian coz of his interaction with girls...i know im in no postion to be jealous but i really am...! its like i should be getting over him but i am not even at the first step! this is so fking pathetic and why am i feeling so fcking depressed every single night because of the same person and reason? i really miss him:( but he will never care! esp now he have his new life and social circle the more he'll forget me! i never stood a chance...but i always had faith. all my efforts and faith are all wasted! they are all useless. having faith means beliving in smth that doesnt exist. some ppl say having faith can take you far. what about my faith? it makes me stay at the bottom ground and unable to move upwards! my choice anyway! to continue putting hopes and liking him. i really hope someday we will be together. i really...:( 

being asked him ASKFM on clique clique clique! agh! reminds me of the left out feeling always!  and this clique is separated anyway...it's all because of you and you! srsly stop your immature thoughts and actions TW!

Was talking about zh just now with Derrick. And he told me zh actually asked Bernice to take a photo with him:/ Bernice even had a boyfriend already! 

Dk why I feel so so so so damn demoralized after hearing that. 

我输了，我彻底的输了。

Not that I treat her as my 'enemy' or what la..just that after all these years I liked him, he still decided to close both eyes to it. Yet to others (girls who liked him), he didnt do so. Why me? Why only me? 

I followed zh on Instagram. This is my way of self mutilating. Disappointments. Sadness. Hopelessness. Illness. Indifference. Depression.  

What's my expectation?

Feeling really damn upset right now. 

Rad con today. I thought I was only meet JJ and bk but ended they meet zh too and Yaqi was there too. Ok that's ok. JJ told me to go walk around first while they go buy smth. Didn't understand why I can't follow. But I didn't think much about it. 

After they met up with zh and such, we all gathered at koufu to have dinner. Everyone rushed to sit down only to leave behind two seats making zh to sit with me. This is the INITIAL seating arrangement. 

After he was 'forced' to sit beside me, this is what happened. 

I was damn sad and after he went to buy food I requested to change seats with JJ. I said it was awkward and JJ replied 'no la where got!? But if you really want change then I change with you lor'. Actually I wanted this arrangement coz I can sit beside him! So I just told JJ ok la leave it like that! Then after buy my food I eventually decided to change seats with JJ so I just took his seat (he, zh and Gajesh were buying food). Sad max! It's like why like that. Why can't we just be normal friends. Perhaps he can never see me as a normal friend because of my stubbornness and persistence in wooing him. 

& Yaqi kept on getting close to him and they were really close. He seemed to be really happy w her:/ Sometimes I wonder if she did this on purpose every time 

Second thing. Days ago grabriel told me he say jiajun and co smoking after metamorphosis at the bus stop. Of coz I went to ask JJ why he resume. He was persistent  in saying he didn't. I didn't wanna accuse him so I did not further pursue the truth. 

What happened after rad con just now was, bk went to Yaqi to take the cig they bought and start smoking. Ok so I got it. The reason why I couldn't follow them to buy 'something' coz that something was cig. I was really damn angry. Not that he smoke, that's another thing. It's that he actually lied to me. Smoke then smoke la, why must lie to me say you didn't? I srsly hate it the most when people lie to me! And this is especially coming from him! Why him?! I'm really damn disappointed and it didn't even seemed to bother him. What am I to him?! 

So, this pretty sums up my Thursday. Zh that thing alr made me damn sad alr and JJ just simply added on to him. Damn depressed. Hais. Perhaps I'm in no position to be angry at JJ coz I'm nothing to him!

Felt really sad when I saw zh liking and comment on a photo of him Yaqi posted.  Hais. Mine had nth! Totally nth from him. Yes I'm really happy he was willing to take photo with me but just..dk why he won't maybe just like that photo? ..am I expecting too much? :/ hais! It seems like I really can't put so much hopes on him coz I know in the end I'll be disappointed! He's the root of my disappointments. :( I'm still hanging on a thin thread, still hoping we'll talk again someday. My 1111 wish has always been the same these few years. But not a time it came true. 

Someday. 

It's radical conference tmr. I'll see him I hope. I can't wait. I really miss him. But I don't think he even bothers...he nvr wanted to give me a chance. Wah I feel damn pathetic like that! Why is a girl seeking a chance from a guy!

I still would like to believe what I've always believed in. This might be self deceiving but I really believe in it. 

i feel sad for bk (actually not only him). i was wrong about him. there's nothing i can actually do. sometimes i wish people were more appreciative. esp you.

We have a group for outing that we can decide timing date and location etc.. I'm in the group. Nothig was decided yet. they are still decidin on the date.. And they went out without me...haix feeling so invisible!! Although I did told Leo/junwei that I don't think I wanna go coz I feel hz don't really like me and xq is also inside the group, if everyone go I cfm kena left out coz xq with hz then I alone.

But the fact is, no one bothered to even ask. That just shown how much I mean to people, and how people can forget me like that. Haix. 

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Feel really extra and uninvited sometimes when I join TW and BK in fnn coz idk why:/ like I'm not supposed to be in and I push myself in!! And they don't wanna be bad by pushing me away so they just act like they welcome me!! And bfast tmr..I initiated it:/ I'm afraid they just dw to be bad to reject me! Haix haix! So afraid..dk why am I like that

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You have so many girls around you, so many girls who like you...where do I stand? Hahaha luckily I'm not dumb enough to do anything yet. Don't wanna be one of the girls

I guess I have you as a replacement again, sigh rach what are you thinking

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Imy zhzhzhzhzh:( I know it's a habit but idc:( it's like when I saw your pic those feelings come back! Sian guess you don't even think about me anymore! Whether bad or good. Haix all the best in poly :(

After looking at this, you've just made all the things we went thru, all the effort I put in worth it.