i didnt get into sc. damn damn sad because i wanted to start afresh in jc. i started with motivation and now it crashes down on me againn. it just reminded me of how i was a failure in the past and how i continue to be one now. 

haha. what more can i say?

maybe if i look at you for a longer period of time, i'll be able to read what you're thinking. 

and then i'll know why you did all these things to me. i'll know if you were lying. 

when my vision is blurred, the things i see will be the things i want to see.

so when i want to see you, i will just take off my specs and there you are standing in front of me. 

i think i am trying too hard to make myself busy in order to keep thoughts off. health deteriorating. losing connection with people. becoming a lifeless zombie. purposeless human being.

me and sf literally didnt talk yesterday during work. what is this. why am i still so affected. 

i miss sf. hais. 

sf talked to me on skype ytd. but awhile only, he didn't reply. dk why i felt so good when he talked to me. i suddenly forget all the hate i had on him.

now think bout it, i don't know if i should be happy when he said he didn't like me from the start. because if he didn't like me, i will be happy because i know i wont regret not grabbing him. but i will be unhappy because he fooled me into liking him.
but if he liked me, i will hate myself because i took him for granted and did not grab him when i had the chance.

i think it's better he didn't like me from the start. hate is easier to let go than regrets.


but still, he had good intentions, how can i hate him... as much as i hate him, i like him too.

tmr is posting results. i really really hope i'll get into pioneer jc. because it's near they stay, they'll always meet at sha's house (which is just beside pjc). i want to stay connected to them. i want to be like ehh meeting ah? can la! after my school! (because it's just beside sha house!) in the morning i force myself to continue sleeping and kept thinking what if i get into innova. i kept thinking! i wish i could stop those thoughts but they keep haunting me! it just makes me more afraid! hais pray hard i get into pjc!

4)      The One That Got Away. This boy will seem perfect…and secretly, you suspect he is. He’ll say all the right things, do all the right things, be the very picture of everything you ever imagined you wanted…except now that you have it, you question if you’re ready for that kind of perfection. And chances are, you’re not. Life knows when you’re ready. GOD knows when you’re ready. So even though The One That Got Away offers you everything you thought you wanted, he offers nothing you KNOW you need. And what you need is more time. Time to date other boys you’ll like but won’t love. Time to not date at all and just figure out who YOU are. Time to become the woman you’re meant to be and that you’re closer than ever to coming face to face with, thanks to the lessons brought to you by four “almost-loves.” And you’re almost ready for him…but not quite…so you’ll open your hand and set him free…feeling the beautiful double-edged sword of releasing what’s good and holding out for what’s good for YOU…while secretly wondering for the next few years if in letting go of “The One That Got Away,” you really let go of “The One.”
Except you didn’t.

i'd like to think this as a perfect description of me and sf but he didn't like me from the start so... it's inapplicable anymore! hahaha
but if he really liked me, this would be the perfect description. and one of my worst regrets.

had a great catch up with jj today. i guess we are the 2nd type of best friends? ahaha! dunno why i always feel better after talking to you. thank you!
i will tell you more bout the recent posts of the guy when we meet! actually i dw anyone to see coz i dw people to call him jerk and all. after all, he meant well! haha so jj please keep it a secret!

PS: btw, i am damn happy when jj told me tw and him ok alr!!! :)

now everything's back to square one; i feel empty. when we still talked, i always i told sf i feel very empty and he said he will fill me with happiness. i felt so happy when i heard that haha but now i know everything's a lie la. i should just leave him alone coz he spent lots of time on me, which he really dont have to if he doesn't want it. 我现在把他给我的幸福还给他. i shouldnt be selfish anymore, demanding him to make time for me because he finally told me he didn't like me from the start, he just wanted to break my protective shell. haha yup he did it, but now i built it up again. because of him i cant believe in love anymore. i knew it, who'd like someone like me? hais. i actually believed him when he say he liked me! k la first few times i didnt believe, but when he repeatedly said it i believed him. haha indeed, you repeat a lie for many times eventually people will believe. the moment he said 'no' when i asked if he really liked me, i made up my mind to NEVER bother him again. because i don't have the authority to do so anymore.
it's ok. i will find distractions. he once sent me a pic;

so i started playing dota. haha


zh replied me "Happy Chinese New Year!" yup i am happy. but not as i would be if he replied a year back. i am still trying to make myself feel damn happy bout it. i want to like him again so i can forget the pain i am suffering now. yup i am getting there! i am starting to think bout sf lesser and immerse myself in zh. i went to his fb profile and see photos, to make myself fall again. woah...until now i can still say the zh i liked the most was when he was sec2/starting of sec3. damn handsome wtf. srsly such a good looking person will never like me la. i am just not good enough. someday he will find someone he likes, and the person will not be me. sigh whenever i think of this my heart will still shatter...whether i've given up on him or not. he is afterall someone i loved like mad