其实我真的很像找回那时的感觉，不过我发现已经找不到了。

I really, really miss you.

I dreamt of zh. The dream was so real and I Almost cried when I woke up realizing it was just a dream. I wanna blog it now just after I woke up because I don't wanna forget the details.i don't wanna forget the dream. 

I think it started off me going to JJ's chalet. After we left the chalet and all we went to a big space under a MRT station to play or smth. Then I was helping them to take photos. Suddenly Zh came over and asked me 'where do you live? Leonard house there right?' He was like very awkward and damn cute hahaha!!! Then I was of coz shocked! Wah zh talked to me! Then I said 'err yup...why?' 'Oh haha coz I wanna send you back home' 'huh?! Me?' 'Ya you' 'huh? I thought you...' 'You open a letter two years ago and you don't like it. Doesn't mean that you won't like it now' 'so now you're telling me that you like...' 'Yes I like you now' then he bent forward to hug me omg LOL ok jiajun you don't laugh I'm just typing what I dreamt. No wait! He was like spread his arms out to hug me then before he did he said 'haha joking' but then I was still damn shocked! And in the he did send me back. Idk why it was me him and jiajun in the train. And when we reaching jurong east interchange. I was like telling him you can take the green line back. He said 'nvm lah I can take 157' 'don't be crazy haha' then after that he went to a convenience store to get drinks for me and that's the part I gained consciousness! I was so disappointed and sad i almost cried! Like wth can I just sleep forever. I really really hope something like this can happen someday. Haha but...zh won't one bah. That part that I can still remember so clearly and I think I felt damn damn happy was the part when he said 'yes I like you' and he spread him hands out to hug me. That moment! Although after that he said joking haha I think in the dream right he really liked me but he was joking fooling around with the joking! And yeah it was so real and my feelings felt so so real. At that moment I was like 'finally, it paid off. Years of hard work and effort' 

Hais I am really sad that it was just a dream. If I can dream bout it again i just wanna sleep forever! Hais jiajun ahhhhh I damn sad sia :(

Anyway! Just rmb I wanted to blog smth. Went out to supposedly study with jiajun last night! Then after we ate we kept talking. Ahhaha we talked about many past things and people. Somehow he's just different. Good and bad. I really can't explain what's the part that he's different that I don't like but I can only say it's how he makes me feel. How I feel about him in the past. When I was sad I would just tell him anythig. He would listen. He would advice me to give up. Jiajun don't feel bad for asking me to give up i know you cared. Or is it because that time you like me? HAHHAHA 

I would tell him anything. I would be like very dependent on him. He would read my blog. He would always know how I feel. 

Now. Last year and the first half of this year, all the things I've mentioned above disappeared. I was sad. Sometimes I looked back and hoped that he would give me that attention , instead of giving it to tzehui. Sometimes I look at xueqi, hey, I used to be as close to JJ like you're with him now. Yeah but now I am talking about now! Ok now it's like the things that've disappeared are gradually coming back. Difference would be now i feel quite restricted in telling him things. Like my feelings. I would be like 'he shouldn't be bothered by me. Who am I. I'm not one of his closest friend. I shouldn't tell him things about me and expect him to care' yeah that's why! And when we talk, the way you made me feel is just different now! Idk how to expain the difference but it's just different! But the thing that didnt change was that I still like spending time with you! Haha please don't think I like you LOL its just like last time! Whenever I have a chance to spend time with you I would! Like go your house slack etc. now differnet la! Cannot say want go can go. Not that close already. Maybe this is the difference! And also I really like talking about the past with JJ. Idk why. Maybe cause the happiest time in my life he played major role. Thanks for those times! Altho TW is gone and never will be back. Really hope they can get bak together but now when I see how JJ is so reluctant to it, I understood :)

I'm still damn traumatized by the fact that it's a dream. JIAJUN HELP ME. ZH HELP ME T____T

I promised myself. I'll give up on zh if he don't take any action after Os. Os are nearing. Os are ending as well. Yes surely I want Os to be over and done with ASAP. But part of me actually hope that it won't end so soon. Simply because when Os end, it's also time to put an end to my obsession towards zh. I can't bear to do so. What if we are really possible? What if I just need to put in a little more effort? What if he just have not seen the good side of me yet? What if. What if. 

sometimes i just feel so helpless. spent lots of time thinking about this. idk why. previous post on the "spend time with people with give you happiness", i simply just can't find that company of people! i guess the happiest time i had was those actt times! but fuck i know it's never gonna come back! i never had any power in changing anything. i tried but it's always to no avail. sometimes i feel really shocked on how things has changed... who knew three brothers, stick with each other 24/7, could be separated? who knew the reason was because of one person! why the fuck am i still thinking about the past? i feel like a loser man! everyone has moved on and i'm still here. i'm just so hopeless! and i found the bands we wore 2 years back! the black and white one! i still remember four of us wore in like everyday! haha and when things happened i stopped wearing and keep it in a safe place! i rmb that was a period of time in sec4 i wore it back coz i missed those actt times! but in the end no one really bothers! then i took it out haha and kept it in a safe place. i took it out today again coz this afternoon jj was talking to me about it! he lost the white one! haha i was actually sad when i heard that! eh then when i took it out i realize it has became black and yellow! JJ said it's okay, the memories are yellow too............walao sad sia but true la! perhaps it's true for me. happiness will always have an expiry date for me!

Os are nearing. i am fucking scared. i swear. i am fucking worried for EL. what if i fail? fuck then i'll just end up in an ite! this is never gonna happen! i can't fail EL man! fuck this! i'm damn scared!



 this song is so smoothing! i must move on! remind myself! remind myself!

Jiajun. Thanks for always being there when no one did. When you said you do not wanna go back, I actually felt sad. Haha that was actually the happiest period of my life! Fact is I really wanna go back! Haha yeah altho i said i cant give an answer on how i feel about this. Now i can, which is i really wanna go back! Like we were all so relaxed and open, how we think about each other we would just voice out. The amount of freedom we had. How we neglect studies because it wasnt that important back then. But I guess that's it! I can only 'want' to go back but it'll never become a reality. It's okay, I'm used to it. Just that sometimes when I look back I would be like 'ah, those times.'

Wrong people? I think most people around me now are the wrong people! I'm so disappointed when people do not put in effort into me when I did! They just don't reciprocate! This is so fucking disappointing and I told myself to not care about people who would never even think for me! Fuck this shit man I thought I was significant! I thought I was important! To Wendy! But I was utterly wrong! I'm just someone she finds when she needs help in math! I always put in effort in accompanying her to places and guiding her in math! But in the end I became a tool! I fucking hate it! I guess only derrick bothers sometimes! Fuck then how do I even choose people who would bring happiness to me? I do not think I have a choice! 

Was playing candles with Wendy and co just now! Looking at these i thought of two years before we went to play candles tgt! Haha I guess that period of time was the happiness period of my life! It's like I felt like I had friends who care and I too care for them! It's just all reciprocal and I just felt really comfortable with it. Those people inside were tingwei jiajun boonkang leonard! Yeah the actt! But mostly is the first three haha!! Coz leonard was busy with shanice. So fun last time. I guess those were the 'right' people for me, because they were the ones who made me happy when I was with them! 

Two years back at xiaoguilin!

Actt! Ha

Suan le, I told myself. Tingwei sometimes I really wish you can open your eyes bigger to see who were the ones who really cared for you! Who were the ones who went through thick and thin with you! Who were the ones you had the most fun with! You know sometimes I felt that those times might be able to happen again but when I thought of you then, fuck it's impossible already 

And now, I'm back to square one. I'm all alone now. I am really glad to have jiajun. But I know he has his other friends too and he is not able to be there 24/7. You know why I miss those old times? I guess the most probable reason was that you did not have a large crowd of friends so you cared for me more. But now it's different! So perhaps I miss the amount of concern you have in the past! Compared to now. Ha well, things change! I do not blame you. I am actually grateful haha you were always the one who picked me up from the bottom! Like always not only this time! Thanks for making me feel better and more significant by showing me how important I am to you!

Fuck I hate feeling lonely. Fk this

was so shocked how yaqi is so encouraging and believing in me! it's like we once disliked each other and i also hated her and all, she still treats me so nice! and she stated how good i am and there are actually better guys out there. she also said if zh have someone he likes must be happy for him and don't hate the girl. furthermore she said 有一种爱叫放手 haha all these seemed to be subtle hints in telling me and zh impossible alr! but i know la, just that i refuse to face the fact! sigh so i made up my mind. after my OS, if he's really not gna take any action i'll try to let go :'((((((((( grrrr it's a heartbreaking decision idk why. zh what if i say i really really like you. will it change anything.

thank yaqi. you're really nice. thanks for the wake up call as well.........


sometimes i look and zh's profile and his tagged photos and all, and wondered how such a good looking guy will fall for me. i'm just not good enough. and i'll never will be. and jiajun's instagram. grrrrrrrrrrr why can't i be skinnier?! why can't i be prettier?! I HATE MYSELF SO FUCKING MUCH!

i miss zh, i miss zh.

Many times I feel like I'm annoying jj... Haix. Jj if you're reading this. Ignore me if you think I'm super annoying