I'm grateful for people in my life. One example will be TW. He's like the only one who cares about me now. He is a really nice guy, tho there are times when he is really cold to me. He's like the only reads this blog (other than Leonard), and he will talk to me about it. I will always constantly feel better after that. Thank you Tingwei. I know you'll be reading this. I thank you for putting in effort for me. For talking things out with me. I promise I'll try my best not to compare. I'm sorry for being a horrible friend and you can still tolerate. Thanks for always being nice despite me being so unreasonable. I can see you're really happy now and that makes me happy too. Stay happy.

Another one would be Leonard. Although he seldom shows, I know he cares (okay I'm not really THAT confirmed but..). He is frank to me. I know he may be harsh but that's not his intention. He was the one who picked me up when I was being sad over me and JJ. He wants me to be myself. Honestly till now, I am still unsure of my ability of being myself. It seems like I can never be found. I'm afraid. I thank you for being frank, nice, sometimes bad, sometimes mean to me. I'm sorry for being unreasonably stubborn but you'll always like smile smile and treat it as nothing. I'm thankful for you.

Stella. She is a really nice girl that really cares for me too. She would always ask me why I'm down etc. I find myself comfortable telling my problems to. We share secrets. She trusts me. I like how she tells me her secrets. It gives me a sense of significance. A sense of her trusting me. I feel good. When people starts to open up to me, I will, too, open up to them naturally. And sometimes too much. Although sometimes she neglects me for other friends, I will not blame her or dislike her. I thank her for always (k la most of the times) being there for, listening to my nonsense and letting me bully her! Hahaha.

Also, zhenhao. Today, I saw you at the staircase while walking back to class. You saw me. I saw you. I walked away quickly. This isn't the first time. I don't know why am I avoiding you when that's the last thing I would want to do. I think perhaps i don't wanna let you see me cos I know, you dislike me. I really wanna see you, talk to you. You're leaving this sch soon. I may be leaving too. We will be going separate ways. I will miss you for sure, even if I don't like you anymore. You've affected me and my life so much (tho is all along onesided). I am still thankful for you. Thanks for entering my life. I experienced so much. Although we were nvr tgt before or even close before, I feel that.. You're just someone I will not forget. I've never liked someone so long so much. Thank you.

And lastly, the most importantly, JJ. I think I've said enough for you. I don't know why, youre just so different now. I hate the awkwardness we have when there is only us. We used to have endless topics to talk about. I don't understand why after me writing and typing so much things about you, all you can reply was 'idk what to say'. It's so damn disappointing and zzzz. I don't like it. Perhaps I'm expecting too much from you. Or it's just, me putting in so much effort that you took it for granted. We are not close now, and I got this feeling we will never be. I hate it. I thought you will be putting in effort. But that was only for short term. Perhaps you were just trying to make things less awkward between us. You don't know, you don't understand, you don't care, you dont bother. I'm so tired of this. But I don't wanna give up too soon. I still believe its possible for us to be good friends agn. Do you still, believe? I can't explain my feelings for you. It's just complex, it just all jaded. I can't like you. I won't like you. We are friends. I really really wish we could be like the past. A year before, things started to happen and I was still blindly obsessed with zh. Can you revert back to a year back's you? I will really open my eyes and see what reallly matters. We are so so far away from each other. It's getting further. Not any better. I want back the old you. I don't like the you now.
Too late. Everything is too late.
Stil, I'm thankful for you. Really thankful. You taught me the most and scolded me the most. You treated me the worst and I'll nvr hate you. I will not forget how you scolded me on twitter and how you spreaded my private blog around. I thank you for once being extremely good and nice to me, once cared for me so much, once so protective of me, once so harsh/mean/bad/bastard to me. You taught me more than how much you imagine. I learnt to treasure. And that's the most important thing.
Thank you. So much.

End of July. August will be starting in a few mins time. I don't know why I'm blogging these but it just came to my mind before I sleep and I had this urge to blog. I guess I just have to be thankful for what I have rather than expecting more. These are actually more than enough.
August, please be better. You're so far still my favourite month.

Tzehui is so blessed with all her friends around :) I'm not exactly jealous, just envious. I wish I have too..

Can't stand it. How hard Yaqi is trying to be close to JJ and TW. It just irks me seeing it. I don't know why. I dont wanna be the second her. I thought she changed. Actually, she's now back like how she was in the past. Not that I dislike her, it's her actions when she was with TW and JJ. But to think about it again, I won't be like her. Cos I'm not like, oh they're MINE. I just wanna remain close friends with them. Im afraid to lose them. Like, if they close to her le thn dc me alr?! But, I just have this feeling, TW will eventually go back to her. And he's like treating me so coldly these few days... I'm always thinking, did I do anything wrong? Is it that he dislikes me for being annoying? Or maybe, he is just moodless over his r/s prob. Im trying to like talk to him and at least try to make him feel better but i got no responses, at all. We are drifting away, again. I really don't want it. And I know if TW reads this, he'll definitely be angry with me for being like that. Perhaps he will hate me. So I think I'm gna lock this up soon. And I guess he won't care about me anymore... Since he have Yaqi le.
We need to talk.
I really don't want this. I am going to cry when I type this, I don't know why..

Im sorry Leonard, for treating you so badly. I don't mean it. I know you care. Sorry for being so stubborn. I'm super disappointed to see his reply to my apology. I sent "sorry Leonard. I don't know what happened to me. I just don't feel good. It's okay. Sorry for my willfulness. I feel bad for being so bad to you" and his reply was? "what's willfulness?" "willful means unreasonably stubborn and headstrong" and he didn't reply.
Great.

I don't know why when I'll be jealous when JJ keeps disturbing ttl... Omg. I dont like him. I won't like him. We are just friends. Nothing more. Nothing more. I can't... like him. I can't..

So disappointed. JJ actually forgotten that I've got a private blog! Firstly he said he dk my link he nvr read liao I was like okay.. Thn he say he even forget I've got a private blog till I showed them a old post! Wah.. Thn i just tell him no la This is my old blog. I deleted my private blog le.
I lied. It's still here.

Hais. I'm like laughing at myself now. Thinking he still cares. What a joke . What a joke. Forget it. It's okay tho. I mustn't expect much.

Now, I hope he'll never, ever come to this blog ever again.

I'm constantly reminding myself, we are just friends. And we will never cross over that line. I should not even think about it!!

I don't know if you're being fake or really care. But I just wanna say, I like it this way and I really hope all these is not a dream, neither fake.

I don't know why, I'm always putting in the most effort but getting back the least. Maybe I'm expecting too much.

Things are going well. I'm glad. I'm happy. I'm really, really happy. Its like I finally found back that happiness I used to have. With friends. :) but, it feels different now. I'm happy now. I'm happier last time. The feeling now is so different. And I really miss the feeling last time. Sometimes when I'm listening to songs when I listened at that period of time, the feeling unknowingly came back. And its so, so wonderful. I miss that. It's okay tho. At least I'm happy now (really happy) :)

And that's why, I'm starting to doubt everything I have now. I get tensed up and suspicious. Are all these a dream? Are all these just an act? He have his motives for treating me so good suddenly? Today at the library, I waited for more than 20mins. While waiting, I kept on thinking.. will they be like trying to fool me or smth.. like let me feel happy and after that tell me it's all a lie, they are tricking me only. And then, throw me aside like they did in the past. I was afraid, I was really afraid. Perhaps pain made me like that. I'm too used to being hurt and sad, and too used to think that happiness is impossible to attain for me. And I'm afraid that when I get too happy, something bad will happen. I'm afraid this happiness in me wont last.
Still, I thank you for putting in effort. For us to be like now, im alr very grateful and i must cherish. I hope we can be good friends like before agn. I believe it's possible now.

Shouldn't think so much.
Have faith. In the future. In us.

Was walking back from Witchery to the MRT station with Jiajun just now. We didn't talk. We didn't talk. I'm sad cos we used to talk for hours, and now we were walking tgt saying nothing! Im like suddenly tongue tied! The awkwardness is really disappointing. But I shouldn't expect much tho. :) I'm happy we are at least talking and our friendship is improving. I should be happy for what I have :) yeap!

I'm so glad. Things are starting to get better between me and JJ. JJ and TW also! I'm actually shocked when JJ talked to me ytd (PFP prog). I thought he was angry with me (or maybe he really is?). Something I'm still disappointed is that he told me about the letter I gave him, he still dk what to say. Sigh. I won't expect much tho. I'm even happier when he actually asked TW to ask me along to night study! Woah srsly!

Thank you. Thank you for putting in effort.

Why am I feeling jealous after I heard that?! No, I'm not jealous! No! I anyhow think only la. I won't like him. It's impossible. No, I'm not jealous. I dont like him. Confirm plus chop plus stamp. Temporary feelings remember..


TW is like treating me coldly..? :/ hmm maybe I'm thinking too much or he's just moodless! Leonard is like.. Aiya, forget me alr.
Rachel will not get depression. Don't worry, okay? Neither she'll jump off the building, swallow pills, inhale carbon monoxide to kill herself.

Norman want Jared to put the first vid for the bullyfree prog wtf! That's the last year's one! He said he want romance to be in! Thn he keep annoying jared! Jared asked him "you only care about yourself that u want it to be in and you don't care about Rachel's feelings?" and his fucking reply was "no"! Wtf!!!!!!! Thn I tell Jared aiya tell Norman the old one deleted away thn find another re-film the whole thing thn Jared says "he wants you!" I WAS LIKE WTF YOU WANT SRSLY!!!? Pls just get out of my life! He's a freak. He's a monster. Scary monster. I hate him.

Sent bday msg to bk. he didnt reply. Guess he's really angry with me sigh

Heard that you're sick. Get well soon, Jiajun. I know you won't be seeing this.

I still feel bad for telling Xueqi they all what Nichole told me! I told myself, if someone gonna ask me about why did I do that, I would say I just wanted to know the truth. But deep inside I know I'm just trying to escape from it! Whether it's real or fake, it's still a matter of trust! I am disappointed at myself! Before she say anything to me, she would always tell me, don't tell anyone. I will always nod and tell her rest assured I won't. But i did! Is this what Boonkang and Nichole trying to mean? I really feel bad!!! The reason why I said it out was cos Xueqi tZehui wanted to know! And i hope by sharing secrets we can become better friends and become closer! I should had think before telling them. Im so shallow! I shldnt do this... Tho now I realized she didn't really tell me the truth, it's still a matter of trust! She trusted me. Yet what I did? Im really disappointed! I have no awareness of trust at all! I betrayed her and myself! I'm a hopeless failure!

Looking at now JJ and Yaqi they all so close, makes me abit angry. Who once said he disliked Yaqi? And now what?become like so so close tgt agn? Wth! Even TW also don't have liddat! (he said he disliked her too). Makes me wonder, was I all along, a substitute of Yaqi to JJ?
Damn.

Just scrolled thru instagram and realized JJ actually purposely dw like my photo! Ok la it's like he usually will! Like food, he will just like mah. Thn it's like my photo is between two photos he liked, i dont think he didn't see or what lol. It's like, I'm thinking. Is my persistence end up made him drift away further from me? Am I really that scary... Maybe I am.. Agh! But he don't know, he don't know why am I so persistent, he don't know why I put in so much effort. Also, I realized putting in extra effort doesn't mean it will pay off. Sometimes, it just make things worse. Am I wrong? No matter how hard i try, things will nvr go my way. Issit really related to the lines of my palm? Am I fated to be unlucky for my whole life?
That letter. I thought it would change something. No! It didnt. It end up making him becoming further away from me...
End of my effort. Thats it. I've done what I should (more than that), it's up to him now. Do he still care? If he still do, he will come back. he will put in effort. Which obviously, he don't. Damn. Why am I getting emotional because of this. So not worth it, so not worth it, so not worth it...

So damn sad. Last night, I tweeted "After doing so much, I got nothing back. No, I didn't just do it for the sake of doing it. I demand something back." JJ replied,
"@RTJX Hahas you demand me back? Hahahas!"
"@C_jiajun no, it is responses!"
"@RTJX Hahas!! Someday bah! But as i said that I will give you a reply means I will!
"@c_jiajun dont do it as though I forced u into it. If u don't want.. don't."
"@RTJX sure! But anyway! Thanks for that letter!"
I was disappointed with the 'sure!'
"@c_jiajun if you're not gna take it srsly thn just tear it burn it or throw it away!"
"@rtjx hahahas! I won't do that la! It already on the shelf! I really like it!"
I was really frustrated. Damn he rlly dk what my main point was?! It wasn't the tear it burn it part! It was the if you're not gna take it srsly! Wah wtf!!! Why liddat! He is fake ignorant or real?! I dont care if he like it or appreciate it! I want him to do something about it! I want him to at least feel something! Sad? Happy? Angry? Anything!! It is really impt to me.. Okay la maybe nth to him! Sigh!! I seldom demand for things. I usually do things without expecting anything back and becos of thing ppl took me for granted! This time, it's my first time using the word demand. Only because it is impt to me. I hate how lightly he treats it.
Later in the midnight, he tweeted "don't push your luck", "there's nth left unsaid...", "Demand is abit too much as I can say." Srsly? Am I really too much? He don't understand. He just don't understand...

I gave the letter to JJ last night, saying 'happy advance bday'. He said 'thanks, thanks.' awkwardness came in. We just smiled at each other. Suddenly, I was tongue tied. Next, the only sentence came out of my mouth was 'bye'. He said bye back. And we turned back and walked separate ways. After walking awhile, I turned back and saw him walking away. And out of a sudden, I had a strong urge to cry. I didn't tho. Cos TW and Leo is Colin over to meet me.. The feeling is like, I accomplished smth I've always wanted to (let him know him how I feel about him- can't tell but only write in the letter), and it's not a happy thing (The content in the letter, full of regrets). But it's not totally why I had an urge to cry. It was because.. I feel sad tht we were once so close friends, and now when we see each other we actually had nth to say and feel awkward!! Damn sad and disappointing.. Hais.

Then, he sent me a MSG when I was in the bus. He said 'erm asshair, hahahas really thank you for this letter! I don't know what say! But I really appreciate this effort and sincerity of yours! Thank you once again' agh he dk what to say again... Aft write a whole long essay for him.. Hais! But he also said 'i will talk to you again about those matters' I really hope he will! Sigh!

Wrote a super looong letter for Jiajun. Haven't give him yet thou. Cos I asked xq and Tzehui they both say it's better to meet him on the exact day and give him.. So I listened to them! I'm asking him out tml. Just for a short while.. I hope he won't find my annoying! Cos I think it's just a letter..not smth rlly big or good that have to make him come out to meet me.. Hais but they advise me to meet him and give! So I was like 'okay lor!!' and didnt give him today (even thou I brought it) shall ask him to meet me on sun thn! Hopefully he is free for like 5mins?! Hahahas. I wrote a lot on the letter. Mostly what I post on this blog cos I know he will nvr read my blog agn... So yeah. It's time for me write down everything, let him know and move on. Hais.

nonexistent

Hais.. Today. I saw Jianxiong and asked him what was his picture about. He just dao me! Like he know I'm talking to him but he just turned his head to glen! Wtf!? Srsly. He started to like treat me very coldly since after Jiajun scolded me on twitter! I don't understand... Last time we still will talk etc and now he just treats me like stranger! I followed him on instagram but he didn't follow back! I don't know why I'm so affected but it just makes me feel even more useless and invisible! I hate this feeling! He is not the only one! I also hate feeling left out. I HATE IT. I HATE IT! damn.

Jiajun's bday is reaching. I'm think what can I do for him.. I rmb he said a letter is enough. I'll do that then. I'm just afraid.. He will go around showing ppl or read in front of ppl. I think he won't, but I'm afraid he will. I...
A year before, things were so different. We can't go back anymore. Moving forward seems so hard and meaningless. things I wish for will nvr happen. nvr.

Srsly.. Nichole tweeted "No matter how much effort we used to advice you, you just don't make any effort to change, so we shall not bother it now." change? What u expect me to change to? To stop talking to JJ? To stop being with xq? To stop being myself? I don't know what ppl want from me srsly. Am I not hardworking enough? Correction, I stopped trying to please people. This is what they taught me. Am I wrong? Nichole told me, to be with people I'm happy with. So I chose to be with people I'm happier with. I don't know of she's unhappy with me being with xq. But that's my choice after all.. A matter of fact I don't feel real happiness when I'm with Nichole they all. It's not that I'm unhappy or what, it's just uncomfortable, and the feeling of strangeness(if u know what i mean) with the other ppl in her clique. Hais. What Boonkang taught me.. Was to not let people cross over the line of mine. Also to be brave in rejecting people's requests when I really don't want to. Yes I did it:) and I'm still trying, tho sometimes I still... Yeah. Thanks Boonkang :) and also Nichole. Something I just don't get it is that, what she expect me to change to? And shldnt I be changing just because they wanted me to? No! I refuse to compromise! I'll just learn from what they taught me! And if they interpreted wrongly from my actions then so be it!


Singing.. Still building up confidence. Me being able to get into the first round is like an achievement. Thou small, but adds up to my confidence. I'm happy for this. But I'm afraid for the next round, and the next round, and the next next round (if I can get in lol). I still hope JJ is around to encourage me, but, he won't anymore... Hais! There are nights I dreamt about zh, I really miss him. many ppl thought I don't like him anymore it's just tht I don't wanna show it out! Like TW said, like is a feeling! There are also nights I dreamt about JJ. Agh... I wish I could don't care him like how he dont care me! But i can't! His bday is coming soon.. 8 July.. Haix. I wish we can all celebrate tgt like last year! Really miss those fun times!