Zhenhao is an real asshole. Hais. Just refuses to reply my messages? Hais. It's okay. I know I shouldn't put too much hopes in this. I don't expect that he would reply, but I still hope he will. He didn't. Sigh.

Take care.

Wah! Tingwei just said take care to me at twitter. Thanks la! Really didn't expect that woohoo. I wonder if he still dislikes me.. Actually I hope not. But still, thanks. I feel so much better now. Like seriously! Thanks thanks.

Jiajun also used tw's phone sent take care! Wow. Really. Haha. Words can't explain how I feel now. Maybe relieved?

Thanks. Thanks.

Sent tw a one for one mcnuggets coupon and he didn't reply? Hais. Whyyy? No matter what he would still reply a thank you. But this time he didn't. Is it real that they all really hate me a lot? From dislike to hatred? Hais. Idk :( I wished I wasnt so sensitive but their actions proved everything. I'm sorry.

I hope zh is starting to treat me as his friend. I hope. He laughed when poll called me monkey lol >< asshole. Hahhas. It's okay, I hope he can talk to me like normal friend soon. I don't wanna be the one initialing always. Hais.
It really makes my day when I see you smiling, and I know I am the reason why.

I'm really making myself not to care anymore. And I think I'm doing a good job in this now. Hais. Been so long since I talked to them. I dont even dare to approach. Wtheck is happening to me? Even Leonard don't care anymore. Why? I didn't expect him to be like them, really. I hate what he's doing now. Out of everyone, I expect him to understand how I feel. But he don't. It's okay. What more can I do? He should be happily enjoying life with his girl~ how do I matter? Hais! I think I really dont care le. And I'm starting to cherish things around me. Someday, maybe someday they will come back. If they dont, then I guess.. We aren't meant to be friends..
I wonder how JJ feels about me now? Still dislike? Or just neutral and don't care? If he really don't care he should be following me back on twitter.. So I just it's still dislike.

I really hate my life, alot of hurt and disapointment despite trying to make it seem on the outside to have it all together. Im scared that as Im getting older its not getting better, its getting worse, and believe me I have been trying hard to fix it. I just dont know how many more times I can pick myself back up and dust it all off, what if im reaching my limit?

He's really not following back..? Sighhh. Told myself not to care! Why should I!! Haiyo. Haiyo. If he's not gonna follow me, I won't. If he's not gonna care, I will act like I don't, too. You chose to treat me this way.

Haissss! Why is zh still treating me so coldly? Darn. I really hope I meant something to him (even if it's negative). I feel that whenever I'm around, he'll be unhappy. Am I over sensitive? Or he's always like this even if I'm not around? I dont want him to be unhappy because of me. Told myself can't be too over him, which means I should just do what i want without being over sensitive about how he feel, without wanting to change because of him. I can't.. Hais. I feel like a failure. He doesn't even bother to reply my text when I sent 'Take care ah! Your hand' at least reply a 'K' also can right? But no, you don't even bother to. I really hope someday we will talk again. I promise not to make things awkward. I'm always willing to treat you as my normal friend. You ain't.

To Tingwei: take care and have fun during the obs camp. I know you wont be reading this.

I was looking thru my followers and found out eh why no JJ? And I went to his profile and realized he actually unfollowed me. Actually I didn't really expected this but this came to my mind before, 'will he unfollowed me on twitter like how he did to yaqi?' I never thought he would. But he did.

What more can I say now?

I should be happier by now. But why I feel like there's something missing, it just feels like there is a missing piece from a jigsaw puzzle. it's not complete.

Jiajun removed me as a part of his 'family' on Facebook. Great.

I bet you all are far better off without me.

不是故意

我以为恶梦 不会一直缠着我
我以为头痛 闭上眼就痊愈了
我只听 你爱听的歌
我只做 你的朋友

我变得沉默 伤心也不愿开口
我变了好多 是否更靠近你呢
等一个 固执的如果
如果你懂我为什么就够了

你别担心 我 不怕一个人站在雨里
除了你 我找不到能快乐的意义
眼泪 带给你的压力太清晰
我真的不是故意

不是故意 让自己变得不再像自己
为了你 拼命想拿一百分而努力
你却 离我越来越远的距离
直到我失去你

真的不是故意


--

This totally descirbed how i feel. hais.

I'm so happy and relieved now! Jingxuan finally talked things out with me and we are okay now! YAYYYY :D I believe, when things are bad to me, something good will happen to me. There's a balance in life. And also, when life is too good for you, something bad will happen too. I feel so relieved now. Thanks.

Now, I just don't know what to feel, what to do. I don't even know how do I go about correcting my mistakes. Who knows how I feel? Who? No one. I mean really, do you?
I think nothing's gonna salvage this shit right now and I'll just sit and watch, and wait. I know both parties need time. You need time to calm down. I need time to reflect and think. This holidays is the best time. We shall not see each other for some time. I hope this is the best way for us.

I am not trying to attract attention by posting in the blog to make you do something. Believe or not. I'm not. These are all my feelings and sometimes not even accurate (I'm unsure of my feelings, sometimes) I don't expect any actions to be done after this is posted. I'm just.. Letting it out. I feel better after posting. If you will be angry after knowing what i feel, then i see no reason letting you know this blog. It's like, what I feel being blogged, is also a mistake? This is a privatized/unknown blog, it wasn't meant to direct to anyone, these are just how I feel. Get that? Period.

Yes, I am sad, very sad, feeling very weak, very hopeless. But I'm just going to appear strong and happy. This thing is sure going to affect me in every way but.. I will just remain happy and laugh all the way.

I'll come back as a better person, I will, hopefully. All I need is, time.

I don't understand? K fine! Sorry that I'll never be able to understand anything then! Haissss forget it.

His attitude towards me changed so much. Not only I changed, he changed too. Or is it because I changed so je changed? Or is it because both of us changed and he is able to notice my change but I'm not able to notice his change? Or is it both of us didn't change?

Change is the only constant in life.

Have you lost yourself behind the mask you put on?

during concert today, it was so boring that i started thinking a little too much.

derrick.. you know, your words hurt? i know, it's the fact. but then, it still hurts. i said, 'i tried to talk to zh cos i wanna be like normal friends with him ma, really no intention of others' you said, 'but you think he wants?' my mood really went... down. hais! is this real? i really.. just wanna be like normal friends. i really miss zh a lot, haisss! whats the use? i nvr stood a chance. i miss us being friends, it's going to be 2years and you're really being a iceblock forever to me? next year, would be your last year in bbss already. i swear i will miss you a lot after you. ahhh. but who knows by then i had given up. hais but, i just feel so sad. just one more year. why times passes soooo fast? fking fast. i just hope you'll remember me. even if one day i've given up on you, i'll remember you. someone who affected me so much. someone who meant so much to me. someone who changed me so much. someone who made me feel the way no one else could. someone so special. someone so shy. someone so cute. someone who made me feel like shit. someone who i know..i'll never forget.

i believe it possible for us to be friends again

i like to make myself believe we will be together one day.

--

it's just strange now. between me and jj. a feeling i never had before when i'm with him. this sucks. it's like, something (like glass door) standing in between me and him. that distancing feel, that stranger feel. he's just different towards me now (or it is me?) he just dont care anymore, although physically he is reading this blog. i asked myself, is this out of concern, or just curiousity? prove me wrong, please
tw is really treating me colder as days go by. what happened? really, i'm not being sensitive. i can see, i can feel. im nothing to him anymore. he even forgotten this blog lol! what a joke! i thought he cared. i THOUGHT. so disappointing. forget it lah! he just proved my assumptions.sorry for every wrong thing i made.
dont care, then dont care. i cant be bothered any further. hais!
i thought to myself, as long as anyone is still reading this blog, he cares (or it is just out of curiousity?)
i dont want to be a second yaqi to them. i feel i'm becoming more like her. i mean, im afraid. but yet she's so strong, after losing them, she still can remainso positive and have so much other friends around her. her positive attitude is something i cannot have. sorry i cant (or is it i chose not to?)
they are really crossing over the line in disturbing me. you know sometimes, jokes affects me, a lot? when at UCC just now, bk just asked me to go away. end up say jiaowei only. wth did you even know at that moment i walked away i almost cried? no one knows. even typing this makes me wanna cry alrdy.. damn. then i walked around alone, trying to find someone i know. i walked out and in, out and in. hais.. i told myself, cant cry, cant cry. i wont, i wont.
i keep on telling myself, nvm, nvm, nvm! But why must they take it as an advantage to cross over the line? remember this, I'm NOT a pushover. Period.

--

jieyu, xueqi are asking me to be confident i really didnt dare to wear dress to the concert. hais! i'm just so concerned about how people see me. xueqi said, 'dont bother how ppl see you, most imptly is how you see yourself' but why, why i put people's jugdement before mine? im just lacking that basic self esteem and confidence a girl should have. i think im better off being a tomboy lol.. derrick cant stop saying i'm fat. perhaps i should really start to control what i eat like before again..i feel that no matter how i try to make myself look better it just fails. derrick said before,  i am like someone so impropotional, cos i lost weight and leg still so big. lol.. hais. how i know why every place slimmed down only that part of legs!?! T_T hais!! i can never be pretty or good enough for anyone, never, ever

--

Now look, in these 3 categories; love, friendship, myself. in which i didnt not fail? none. be in love, friendship and even myself, i failed. i could not manage anything well. when did i started becoming like this? why? things are falling apart and i thought it would be okay after sometime, but they did not. tell me when, when will things ever be okay

I've lost myself behind that mask i put on.

Have you?

why? why am i still having that wishful thinking that they may ask me to meet them too? stupid ass! why am i like that? i should have know they wont! they dislike my presence!aiyo why i like that sia! i know i shouldnt have these wishful thoughts. ya! go by myself tmr lah! haiyo! lol. Aye! I've promised myself not to interfere into their lives but why these thoughts will come into my mind?! AHHH! I lost the battle between me and myself! i was really disappointed when jj said he wanna smoke... aiya I DONT CARE. I DONT CARE! he die his problem lah. ahhhhhhhhhh. darn :(
Now it just confirms everything I don't hope for. Great.


A fight between me and myself.

There's no point.

Remember how the way things used to be?

Till now, I'm still afraid to approach tw to talk about why/how we drifted. Hais. I hope he will approach me to talk about this, really. I really don't wanna think so much about this and this is why I'm now going around trying so hard to find a work that can keep me busy and occupied so that i can stop thinking but in the end of the day, the thoughts still haunt me. I don't wanna interfere in their lives but I feel happy when I go out with them. I wanna be a part of it. But forget it lah, the more I follow the more they dislike.

Somehow, I sense that they still care. People say women's six senses are most accurate. But hey, I'm not a woman! Hahahahaha.

This isn't me. It's not you either.

You need to take some time off. I will too. Enjoy your holiday. Enjoy the ones you're with. Enjoy the changing. Next year is your year.

I promise.

I'll speak to you again soon.

Maybe it's not about who's self centered who's sacrificing. It's about understanding.

Wow lol idk I actually wrote this. Just randomly found it. Haha, don't know what I was writing/thinking back then!

Why is people so self centered? Ruth said she's going to FaceTime me after she bathe. I was like preparing to go out. Then decided FaceTime her then go out. I waited for her to bathe and in the end she told me she wanted to sleep. Then no FaceTime alr! I was like wth? If I'm her I'll be willing to give up my sleep to FaceTime with people if they want to. I'm willing to sacrifice things for people but why not them? Suddenly something comes to my mind. Perhaps the problem lies on me. Maybe I should be more self-centered, like others. Perhaps this is how we all should be, and I'm the different one.

I wanted to change password. But on the second thought, I chose not to. When I was on the changing password page going to type in new password, i closed the page. I don't wanna let them feel I'm hiding something. Not that I don't trust them but it's like, them getting angry over me? Not worth it. But i know, they dont care anymore. please, if I've done something wrong, tell me. You know I'm so stupid that I never realize my mistakes. I hate myself for this, really.

I'm sorry.

i'm becoming worse? sighhh. dont know how should i feel now. forget it..

if you don't care, then i dont care.

sometimes you just have to act like you dont care.


i miss zhenhao, a lot. hais.

Huizhen only find me when she need me. Haissssss. What am I to her? Perhaps, perhaps I'm born to always be there for others. But when will people ever be there for me? I'll still help her anyway, because this is what I should do being alive. She's like a fortunate ah. Want ppl talk then got Jiajun. Me? Just a blog to rant. Sometimes I can't stand how self-centered she is, just sometimes.

When will things ever be okay?! Why am I such a failure? Why can't I get things right? Why am I so sensitive? Why must I live for others? Who am I? What does it takes to be me? Who will ever spare a thought for my feelings? Who will be more sensitive towards how I feel?

Hahahahaha.

I dont know.

I wanna go work agn tmr. And don't wanna join Jiajun and Boonkang le. I promised myself not to follow jiajun agn unless he initiate. Because I know he doesn't like it. Hais. Why am I doing things I don't like just to please people?! Last time zhenhao, now Jiajun, next who? I feel like a failure! Forget it, perhaps I'm born to do this? I never meant anything to anyone.

I tried to speak to zh today but he's like don't care me? Hais! Sian. I followed him on twitter like 2-3 days ago, and till now he haven't follow back. And I'm sure now he knows I'm following him because he just followed back a follower of him. Means he totally ignored me following him wth! Forget it lah. I just unfollowed. Hais! Realized this just before I'm going to sleep. Sigh, have to sleep with a heavy heart tonight again.

I can't seem to trust this place anymore. Nvm, will just post first. Change everything when I'm free.

Didn't dare to talk to Jiajun today. But I was happy to see that he initiated to ask me join them for selling of ice creams. Perhaps it was just an act of pity cos if I don't follow them, I would have to follow a group of guys which I dont know (i think).
After selling ice creams, I asked (only asking, no other intentions) him if he's working tmr. He changed topic immediately. From that moment, I knew he didn't want me to join them. Fine. I still kind of think that I made them earn lesser cos I joined them. Hais.
We only talked when selling ice creams. Even if we talked, it was for a very very short while. He didn't even say bye to me when i was alighting.

What happened to us?

He really really don't care about me anymore?

I think he and tw doesn't even know I changed my blog link until Leonard told him lol. Because they simply dont care, right?

Prove me wrong, please

Miss having someone(Jiajun) to talk to during midnights. Months before, right now, this timing, we were talking on the phone. It just feels different from talking to others. I miss that feeling.

Actually, what's the point of saying all these?

Hurts, hurts to know that you(Jiajun) don't care about me, anymore.

Hais. What more can I say now? In twitter, tw said 'You can be like yourself, we can be like how we wanted too.' 'You will never understand how we feel. Told you times after times. You are still like that. You never know.'
Is this referring to me? I really, really think it is. Hais. I dont know what's wrong with me seriously.. Like as in, what I did wrong? Why no one bother to explain? Why Jiajun will think I'm irritating? As in why from the start he dislike me alr? What I did wrong? I really have no idea.. They claimed I nvr learn. Nvr know. But they didn't explain. Jiajun only told me about my character change in front of zh. Nothing else more. And now he said I'm still the same, I asked issit because of my character change infront of zh? He said no. Then I was like wth? Then what :/ aiya I really really don't know. And very confused, very vexed now. Whatever I do or say is always wrong. I said 'my objective is to make ppl happy' then Jiajun angry. I should just shut up and live my own life as it should be. Right?

My doctor suspect my mother have breast cancer.. AHHH. Still waiting for report.. Damn I'm afraid :( hope it's just a false alarm. I regret treating her bad last few days. I must start cherishing le!

Hais! So vexed now. I asked Jiajun if that tweet was referring to me. And he was so angry when I asked that and said no its not me don't think too much. He looked so angry with me hais. And he just tweeted: now is really tweet bout u de! can stop following? irritating!
...?! :( so he was irritated when I followed him Zongyi and shaokang for lunch tday! Now I know le. And I'm pretty sure that tweet 'your existence is extra!' yesterday was me. What I done wrong again? Sigh.

And I kind of had an argument with Tingwei. I scolded him for being insensitive about how I feel. Cos he just dont want to give me the iPod Passcode! And he reply was like 'what is the reply you expected?' I was like... Wth?! This is what I get. Great. I never meant anything to him, only someone to bully huh??? Darn! Everything is falling apart. I feel so fucking weak now. whatever I do is wrong! Fuck.

Jiajun's twitter is scolding someone agn, and I am afraid it's me :( really! One of the tweets: Is that all necessory? You nvr....haix. Its okay. You choose that way.
I think this was directing to me. (i THINK) his meaning was perhaps he thought I learnt but I didn't? I really, really don't know what I've done wrongly. Perhaps posting emo tweets on twitter (which I seldom do now). I think maybe he saw the tweets where I reblog @ tumblr ones so he think I'm back to posting stupid emo tweets! Aiya aiya I don't know lah!!!! One of the tweets also said don't misunderstand his meanings. If it was directed to me, then maybe he saw my previous post (which is like wth he knows my blog in the first place?) then he thought I thought I was the one he was saying on twitter? (the 'your existence is extra' tweet). Damn. Am I thinking too much or what? Who knows actually all those tweets wasn't referring to me! Hahahaha. But who knows? Only him. Darn i really don't understand him. Hais! Why like that :(

perhaps we are starting to be like normal friends. only maybe. you're still quite cold to me, hais. i hope we can be friends like before. but i think like quite impossible alrdy! maybe just like very not-close friends. maybe, just maybe..

jiajun's twitter said 'your existence is extra!' i thinking, is it me? i followed him and zongyi this afternoon for lunch. and is he saying that i'm the extra? 'maybe, just maybe' i tweeted this, he replied to my tweet saying not maybe! its reallllll. maybe he doesn't know that the tweet i posted was about that matter so he replied like this? but if he knows.. then it is really me? hais dk lah! shouldnt think so much. i miss jiajun leh! hahaha! today like finally see him in school.

i'm quite happy todayyyyyyyyyy. cos i see you ;) and we went out to kfc for lunch tgt with derrick and hz. hahaas. hope can go out tgt again! hais imy. should just treat you as my normal friend now. note to self: stay natural! stay natural!!!

Imy a lot. Hais.