Jiajun came to me during recess today, telling me he forgave me, let's be back friends. Joke of the year. Forgive me? I don't even want it pls! Just go away. Seriously. He started treating me very good. He even asked me to take photo w him? Lol I rejected but still took w him anyway... It's really very weird of his sudden change. I don't know what plans he have, but I know it's not good. I really really dk what is Jiajun thinking..is he having some plans inside to destroy me? Is he trying to act? I can't be certain that he really want me back as a friend. Why is he so fake? Hate me so much still act like he doesnt? I'm really afraid. Afraid of the things he will start to do to me agn. I am expecting nothing good from him. I hate to admit it but I actually wanted to be friends w him agn when he called me!! Shit I thought I don't care him alr? Why is this feeling back again? Am I all along hiding my own real feelings? Argh! Hate to admit it, I still care. He is still important to me.

跟你做朋友，真的很辛苦。。。

Really super angry w Jiajun when I know from Leonard that he puts my private blog link to his twitter. I respected his privacy, didn't see his tweets. And what he done? He totally have no respect towards my privacy! What's this?! Seriously. If he doesnt respect my privacy, I won't respect his. I'm serious. So I read his tweets. So hurting but guess what? I don't really feel anything! He was just trying to make everyone to go against me. No wonder so many ppl are acting weird towards me. Now i know, just because of jiajun's foolish and stupid tweets! He is tryin to make everyone hate me cos he hates so much. Yeah just go ahead! What can I do?! Confront? 95% cfm side him one! I stand nothing! I will confront only when I have concrete evidence and supporting reasons. He totally changed. I'm super disappointed in him! AHHH! What liddat! And Wanyu treated me different RIGHT AFTER JJ posted how he hate me on twitter.hahhaahs. Fun right? Trying to make everyone hate me. TRY HARDER!

I really hate you now. Just because you're more popular then you abuse your authorities. You should just wait and see, if this is how you want to treat me.

felt so alone during recess today. is it me or everyone secretly dislikes me? i really dont want to think so much but then... haisss. wanted to go shaokang house today tgt with nichole they all.. but knowing jj they all will be there i didnt ask. then nichole called me to join, telling me jj they all didnt come. so i went. had fun. jieyu and me is like so different from last time le, i dont know why but she treats me very coldddd. i wish me and her could be like last time, playing like mad, joking around. hahaha... everything is different now.

played cards at sk house. then jj came. i was like 'whaaaat?!' forget itttt. we didnt talk. he put 5cents as bet. then nichole said, 'just now rachel also put 5cents as bet' then he immediatly said orh then i dont use 5cents alr. what the heck? okay i dont really bother alrdy! i mean seriously. i really dont care about him alr. it wont affect me anyway!!

i am really afraid that more and more people will start to dislike me. like tingwei, boonkang, zongyi etc... i dont want this. really

Church yesterday. Didn't thought I was soooo lucky(or not?) to see zh on the bus! Wah really first time. When alighting, he actually walked another way(oppisite way as me...) And he also walked.very fast.. haix. Am I too invisible to let you just walk away without realizing my existence? But I'm very sure he knows I'm there. I caught him looking in front(I was infront) a couple.of times. Then later at night.jieming told me he was late so he walked.very fast. I felt relieved. But then, if he wasn't late, will he also do the same thing?

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mother fucking bitch..? so thats what you call me now? great. hahaa so what more can i say now? i cant believe you actually scolded me that. now with my eyes i realized. its so hurting. forget it, you dont bother anyway! i wonder how many times have i cried over this friendship. fine, i will respect your privacy. i wont try my ways to read your tweets. (if your tweets are directed to me, you can comment to any of the posts in this blog. theres no point scolding me behind my back. thanks.) i wont use anyone to send msg for me. i wont care anymore. happy? happy? you wish to do this to me, then its your choice. dont regret when im gone. for i will NOT compromise.

I really dk what to feel now. Sad? Frustrated? Depressed? Useless. Dying. Worthless. Meaningless.

Jiajun called me today. Telling me to stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop trying to read his tweets after he locked it. Privacy. He wanted privacy. Because I asked wanyu if she can let me see what jiajun tweeted. Cos everyone was like mentioning him and say chill, and will it be him scolding me? I really want to know. Yet by doing this, I wasn't respecting his privacy. Forget it. After that phonecall, I was crying. I tried so so hard to hold back tears cos I was in church! Everyone was asking me why am I so moodless tday. Even typing these makes me gna cry soon. Who understands? Seriously?

Is this friendship sinking soon? No matter how hard I try, I make it sink even deeper.

Jiajun, do you want this, really?

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Tingwei is treating me colder and colder. I mean really, what went wrong? Am I wrong or he is just acting weird these few days? I really dk. Leonard is okay, he treats me gooood. I mean as in normal.

---

I'm this close to crying.

Had a fun time at lin lao shi's house today. Happy that zh came, its like so long since I last see him!

Left lin lao shi's house, then went on to watch movie at bukit batok with JJ, zh, jianxiong and yaqi (INITIAL PLAN). Then change to go shopping at orchard. At Queenstown alr JJ say go watch movie at bukit batok or else later at night will be very crowded. In the train, I felt so, so left out. Really. I don't know how to describe this feeling but I just hate it. I tried to blend in but no one cares about me. Am I wrong? Tell me, am I supposed to leave?

These questions were answered when we are reaching bb.

At je interchange, we went separate ways. JJ claimed that the other side have lesser people. He and yaqi went over. Went in the train, a lot of ppl, and idk where jx and zh was. While in train, I received a message.

"Can you go home? I only want to watch movie with jianxiong zhenhao and yaqi."

Immediately, my heart sank. So from the start I wasn't supposed to be with them? And they didn't want me to follow? I was sad. Really sad. I was crying. When the train reached bb, I didn't alight. I alighted next stop, then got down and took train back to bb. Stupid isn't it? Cos I know I shouldn't be there. I shouldn't. If I alighted they will see me, I don't want them to see me.

I really thought things were becoming okay, but now? Totally moodless now but who understands? Who bothers? Who cares? Who bother to care?

Actually I alr expected this, but why am I so sad? Perhaps part of me believes that this won't happen. Tell me, am I wrong? Does JJ even knows how I feel? I know it's good to be frank, and I really have nothing to say about being frank.. I rather he is frank than fake isn't it? But, I just hate it. Why why why?! It's always me. Always. Me. I HATE feeling this way. You said we are good friends afterall, DEFINE YOUR MEANING OF GOOD FRIEND THEN. I just gonna act like it is nothing. Or else, what can I do? Cry to him? He isn't wrong. I AM wrong. Wrong to be following them. Wrong to keep trying to blend in. Every step I take, is always wrong. I never learn.

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Jiajun didn't come school tday. Was wondering why until I saw Twitter. He's sick. I didn't have the courage to say take care to him. As in I don't think I am qualified to? Hahahaa. Asked xueqi to send instead. He should be very happy bah. Although I may seem very cold to him, I actually still care a lot. I know he doesn't care about me anymore. So this is why I'm acting like I don't give a damn either. Hais. Take care, jiajun.

BB day tday. Jieyu actually SHOUTED to zhenhao telling him I say he very handsome! Wah wah super ps please. Yet zh's reaction is still the same as ever, don't care... Haisssss

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Things happen and I get misunderstood by people. Everyone ends up drifting away from me, and I can’t even explain why. Eventually, I will become an outcast when these things accumulate.

zongyi told me who jiajun was referring isnt me. i was actually hurt to know that. then i realised all along i have been avoiding the fact that he really dont care le. even the chalet thing he angry also angry awhile only. is this really the end?

sorry for all i've done that made things become this way. i...

Church today. During service I actually will be sitting with zh. Yet when he saw my bag beside his, he moved his bag away, finding another seat. I really went 'huh?!' in my mind. I thought he treated me as his friend alr?! Why like that?! Argh. Arghhhh!!!

Feeling stressed up, fucking stressed up. Constantly losing things. My chemistry ISPL LOST! Test next week. My foolscap! ALL MY HOMEWORK DONE INSIDE. IM REALLY GONNA CRY. I'm really afraid my studies will drop this year. Really afraid.


Jiajun's twitter is so weird. Something made him angry. I'm really afraid it's because of me. But then again, I will remember what he said. Don't think too much. It might be other things right? So long nvr talk to him alr, he will have other new things to be angry about right, won't be me again. And also, since he don't care about me alr, what I say will not affect him anyway.

Actually, I hope he still cares. Hais. I don't wanna care so much when he doesn't even care.

decided to help tingwei print physcis ispl after he keep please-ing me. i really feel bad when he please me.. hais. part of reason i didnt wanna help was because i alr told derrick i not printing for him.. then now i said i printing for tw, derrick came to complain to me.. hais. but why? why i helped tingwei and didnt help derrick even after he asked me so many times? because tingwei is impt to me.. but at the same time, i feel so bad for not helping derrick. cos ink is really exp.. so i didnt want to. hais. hais.

im sorry derrick, really sorry. im a terrible friend.

I hope I'm as impt to Tingwei as how he is to me. I don't want to be someone who he finds when he needed help. I really, don't.

Today was okay... Just okay. Happy to receive morning message from Jiajun. Haha. Didn't talk much today. Feeling so weird.
I really feel very far from Tingwei they all. Perhaps this is something I should get used of. Haha. things should stay like this isn't it? Really hope we can be like before. Hais!
I really dislike how Wanyu treat shaokang. Having no rights to judge, I just wanna say. Shaokang is trying so hard to get attention from her. Not say get attention but he did it out of concern. But Wanyu ignored every bit of his effort. Twitter mentions. He keep tweeting Wanyu but she didn't care or reply anything. I once asked her, why dw reply him? Guess what's the answer? Lazy to type. I was like whuuuut. I hope shaokang don't put so much effort in it, it's like wasting his efforts, really. Wanyu should at least treat him as a friend. No need to do this right? Hais. I feel sad for her also, like no friends.. I understand how she feels. I wanna try to treat her better. I hope she realize the world doesnt revolve around her. I don't dislike her, just can't stand how she treat Sk.. And it's like, when she got friends around her, I'm nothing. Now she's left with nothing, she keep on finding me. am I really a spare friend to people? I don't want...

Happy that me and Tingwei started talking. He treated me very good, as in whenever I have problems with HTC he will try to answer. And also give smilies. Asked me how is HTC too! Hahaaa. Happy.
I replied JJ happy new year back. Then we have a short conversation. Jiajun, I just wanna tell you, life have been less than perfect without you. I miss you.
First day of school today. Was going well. Me and Tingwei was okay. I like the way we are now. I hope we could be like before..
In the morning I was like so depressed cos Jiajun didn't talk to me during recess. Told Xueqi about it then she's like ask me to initiate. Then I said what if he didn't want to talk to me? And why should I initiate. Ya then Xueqi say he alr I initiated by sending smses wishing me new year etc. then Xueqi ask me to ask Leonard to help me lol! Then she told Leonard la, like Jiajun didnt talk to me, and I'm afraid he didn't wanna talk to me. But he initiated by sending smses. Guess what's Leonard's reply? 'Then what more you want?' sucks seriously. My mood went down. im starting to dislike leonard more and more. he changed so much because he've got shanice..haix.
Went for lunch with a group of friends (including JJ) and he talked to me! Haha happy. We are friends right? Hahahas. I hope he still cares about me, hais. From the moment he unfollowed me on twitter, I start accepting the fact that he doesnt treats me as a friend and doesnt care about me anymore.
Until now, he stil didn't follow me back. I'm amazed.

Are things turning better? I hope so!

2011 recap

Wanna do some 2011 recap, so here it goes;

• First day of school, Jianxiong told me zh say I don't look like me, changed a lot. Hahaa, at least he noticed.
• Fake stead with Jiajun to get rid of jerron. Although at the point of time it was all an act, jiajun's sweet talks made me like him, for a short period of time though.
• Tingwei and niki's bday celebration. Ate at Clementi, was very very happy to see zh.
• Jiajun started to call me at night to talk. Slowly, he started to call me every night to talk. We talked about everything under the moon. Till late nights. Till wee hours. He is really a great guy. That's why I think I'm starting to fall for him again.
• Sent them to Cambodia at the airport. Happy to see zh. He waved at me and smiled! Cos Xueqi was keep trying to help us haha. He was so cute.
• During Cambodia, Leonard posted pictures of zh in twitter. I was happy and smiling to myself, he is so cute. viber them, the first thing Jiajun got the phone he wanted to find Xueqi. I was sad.
• Jiajun posted on twitter. 'what if I like you?' the first person who comes in my mind was me. Yes, I think it's me. So I asked him, he really said its me. I have the same feelings for him too. But I didn't tell him. I was afraid.
• We still talked on the phone every night, I still like him. He kept on telling me things about xueqi. He is a really good guy. Sometimes I think why does he like Xueqi? Like as in, Xueqi is so lucky. Why not me?
• And he suddenly didn't call me frequently le. He was mapling and mapling.
• Went to huizhen's co concert. Knew Charmaine Shuanghui they all. They are very good people. We became good friends after awhile.
• Slowly I started hanging out with them, and neglected Jiajun they all. I also started to be very close with derrick. I really questioned myself, do I hang out with them because they go out with zh often? And I realized, actually part of me is.
• Jiajun said I changed. I was panick and cried. I don't know what to do. He still meant a lot to me. Shuanghui told me what she think about me. She was really frank. I was really sad.
• Things started to change. Me and sh they are aren't so close anymore. Jiajun doesn't really talk to me le. The more I tried to get closer, the more he feels irritated.
• I tried changing myself in many other ways and I realized, this caused even more irritation of how Jiajun thinks of me.
• I was at lost, I cried, cried so much. He was so direct on twitter saying me. I was really sad. Why things became like this?
• Exams period. Started to get closer to Tingwei. He's a great guy too. Then I think because of this is me and Jiajun also started to be closer. There was a night when we were on the phone and he told me everything. Why I changed etc. why Shuanghui will also think this way. I feel so, so relieved. All answered have been answered.
• Then a night he suddenly said I'm still the same.thought I changed but I didn't. I saw that I was like chuatio! Then going cry le. Called him to ask. Was crying and crying. He said I should go and think myself. I was really at lost, really dk what to do. Just cry.
• Dk why me and Tingwei started to drifted. He was treating me colder. I can't do anything. Then slowly we really drifted.
• He said I'm getting worse. Cos of the Huizhen post in this blog. I was like huh?! What I did wrong agn?! Then we slowly nvr talk le.
• Yaqi's dance concert. I was following them. Jiajun was so quiet. Idk why. Issit because of me? At Mac eating. I asked what's the last train? Tingwei answered eh see this is the last train alr faster go!! From that moment, I knew he didn't want me to be there. So I acted like huh?! Okay!! Then I ran away. Later at night he started tweeting stuffs like everyone is starting to dislike me, I'm annoying. I know it's referring to me, without a doubt.
• And after that, we didn't talk or contact a lot le.
• Leaving for Taiwan and Tingwei said take care to me! Super happy and shocked. JJ also!!! I was really really happy. Thanks.
• Shocked to know that Tingwei invited me his chalet. But when I go there, they treated me so coldly. Leonard is like a guailan to me only. Super angry with him. Tingwei was ok. Jiajun totally didn't talk to me. I could have stayed over, I chose not to.
• Jiajun tweeted that he was angry to see I said he treated me like stranger. And by inviting me to the chalet, he meant that we are friends. I'm sorry, words are nothing. And actions mean everything. Did you talk to me? No. You unfollowed me on twitter too. What do you mean by still treating me as a friend? But actually, I was really happy to see the tweet. At least I know he treated me as a friend.
• After that chalet, we didn't talk nor contact anymore. Both of us was busy with work. I've got chalets, camps.
• Christmas. I was super happy and shocked to receive the Christmas message from Jiajun. In the msg he mentioned that message was only sent to close friends! Happy and shocked. Thanks.
• New year countdown. Went over alex's house. Tingwei they all were also there too. I asked Tingwei about HTC phones etc. he was so good, like help me search and tell me which better. Thanks. Zhenhao joined over at night. Happy! While watching videos, I asked questions and turn out he replied! Waah happy leh. I hope he treats me as a friend.

This is why, I said, 2011 has been a rough year for me. I will call it the "Trials and Tribulations" phase of my life. Extreme highs and extreme lows in my life. I wont say it's a 'bad' one cos I actually learnt a lot. Because I lost a lot too. I'm expecting better for 2012. A fresh start.

Yes Leonard, I changed the link. Are you happy now? I should just blame myself for getting my hopes too high. I really wished people thought about what I said and typed. I didn't just wrote it for fun. People will just read and go, oh. Then move on with their lives. Who will ever thought of how I really feel? Did I just do the facebook status for fun? Why tingwei can just read and like then do nothing? I mean like at least a reply? Seriously? Am I being taken granted for? I don't like this, really

To jiajun;
I don't think you'll be reading this, but I just wanna say,
Think about this. Is money more important than spending quality time with friends? I thought these only happen among adults. We as teenagers, should just have fun isn't it? Not saying that you shouldn't work but you can at least take a day off to spend time with friends celebrating events.
Yes, to you friends.aren't impt.
To me, they are.
We both have very different perspectives.
Perhaps this is why we are so far from each other now.

last day of 2011 was celebrated awesomely with you, and the others. thought you wouldnt be coming anymore. im quite happy that when i asked some questions during we watch vids you bothered to reply. thanks. hope we are still friends.
tingwei? leonard? yeah, we may be talking like normal friends now. but i dont like this. i want us to be close friends like before. why do i feel that it's impossible for us to be close friends again? or is it possible?
yaqi was so close to tingwei today, i shouldnt be feeling anything.. really. i dont have the right to. i hope, she will try to stop them from smoking (even though i tried so so so hard, and i cant) instead of encouraging them. i asked leo not to smoke and whats the only thing he said? 'dont pull my shirt'. this is what i get. forget it, perhaps im just a nuisance to them. i should just quit trying so hard. anyway, im happy tingwei is willing to talk to me as a very good friend, willing to help me find info for htc. thanks.
im starting to see hope. 2012, i will be waiting for even better things to come.