i asked sf on skype what happened and all. he said he stopped talking to me because he honestly have no time. and he wants me to let to stand by myself. it's not about this man...i just need a friend to stand by me. and i also asked him if he really liked me, or he just wanted to help me get out of my own protective shell. and the answer was no, he just wanted to break my shell, no time for gf n not in the mood. i was so fucking shattered when i read that. like what the fuck, you fooled me into liking u and now u tell me you were just trying to help me? intentions were good, but methods were fucking wrong. i wanted to scold him so so much but i thought of he meant well, but my another side of my mind told me he fooled me, he played with my feelings . i am in a denial! all i could say was 'ok...wah you dont need to do this to me right ;( nvm, perhaps coz i think too highly of myself alr. i knew it... shouldnt  bother u anymore. i go sleep 1st'
and he didnt reply.

thanks ah. for hurting me more than zh did.

i sent happy cny to zh. history is gonna repeat. sf forced me into this. because i realise liking zh will make me feel less miserable. sigh.

i sent another text, 'if i alr let down my ego and you still dont appreciate it, i wont try anymore' with attacted pic captioned "if i cut you off, chances are you handed me the scissors"

he didn't reply.
he told me he is busy so he couldnt talk to me. i really cant believe this. he is busy playing games. it's impossible that he cant make time for me. so i am guessing it's a deliberate effort to avoid me. i dont know why he's doing this, i honestly dont...i really wanna know what he's exactly thinking:( hais. now what i can do is keep working to distract myself, to make myself stop feeling. i feel so terrible, so so terrible. he once told me he'll never leave. but he's doing it now. i dont know what more to say... he doesn't know how much i wanna tell him he alr won the jerk-zh (he once told me he wanna win the jerk in my heart). how much i wanna tell him - my sickness will not reoccur anymore, i am over. but i guess it's too late! hahahaa. thanks for hurting me so much. you hurt me more than zh did. for making me so attached to you and then dumping me aside like i never meant anything to you. it wasn't easy falling for u. but when i fell, i fell hard. because you make me feel something i've never felt before, like i am loved by someone (finally). but it all turns out to be a dream. precisely, who'd love someone like me? i shouldn't have think he really liked me.... i think he was just playing all along. i dont know. i really hope he'll talk to me again soon

sf didn't talk to me today. i feel so empty, and terrible. it's like, why the sudden ignorance? i really don't understand! i am afraid of losing him. why at the moment when i am ready to accept him, he slips out of my life? fuck this. i shouldn't have taken him for granted when he was still stuck to me. when he says he like me, i'd just say you are crazy. when he asked me to accept him, i just told him i dont think i am ready. i told him i am afraid i'll take him as zh's substitute, he said he don't mind being his substitute. i told him people always leave me in the end, no one really stays. he said he will never leave. (and i think he is doing it now). he understands me more than i know myself. he takes note of all the smallest details; the food i dislike and like. there was a time where a group of us went to a jap restaurant to eat, i ordered baked seafood. i thought it was baked rice so i ordered it. then sf saw my dish and exchanged his ramen with mine, because he knew i wouldn't eat 80% of the food inside my dish. he treats me really really well. i've told him several times to not treat me so well. i told him this only because i was afraid i'll like him. i only told this to jj before, now sf. i got a strong feeling he will be another person where i will look back and realise 'we once felt the same!' i dont want this. i can still change it now. but i am afraid that i am bothering him.

i didn't accept him then because i didn't know if i still have feelings for zh. it was fading. but i was afraid  i will let go of someone i really really like and lose grip of this r/s, like me and jj. i don't want him to be another one that i'll regret not grabbing.

until i sort out my thoughts and decided, yes, the person i like is sf and he is not zh's substitute, he suddenly stopped talking to me (today). i feel so terrible. i feel more terrible than how zh has hurt me. this is when i realise he isn't zh's sub.

i am officially over zh. but i've fallen in love with someone i think we wont make it.


fuck this la.  i think i will start psycho-ing myself that the person i like is zh, so i wont feel so terrible.

2)      The One That Could Have Been (But the Timing Was Always Off). Maybe you met him while one of you was already in a relationship. Maybe every time you started to get close, life or work or something else completely unexpected came between you. Maybe it was simply God watching out for you, because He knows the two of you burned too brightly together to ever sustain a lasting spark. The One that Could Have Been is also often known as “The Big Love.” The love that seemed so meant to be that it wasn’t. The one that you were sure you’d never recover from until you did. This person is likely a soulmate, but the kind of soulmate that Liz Gilbert describes in Eat Pray Love:
“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soulmate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soulmate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soulmates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.”
Perhaps in another lifetime you were perfect together…but not this one.


This is the perfect description of me and jj.





http://thesinglewoman.net/2013/12/31/the-five-guys-most-girls-will-love-at-some-point-in-their-lives/

nicolas actually bought me chocolates. but i cant accept because i dont have feelings for him. but sf kept asking me not to return. but i cant mislead him. i cant accept i really cant. sf told me if i return it's even worse he'll throw face. UGHHHHH I DONT KNOW LA

Jerk. This is what I'll be calling zh now. I hope I am really recovering.