sigh. sometimes i cant help but just feel.. invisible to everyone? like, hz only find me when she needs me.. my kitchen. thn it's like no one cares bout me. ahhh. forget it. told myself not to think so much.
bully free act today. i really dislike norman. disgusting freak. he asked me 'you dont like me issit' thn i was like nodding my head. thn keep whywhywhy. zzz. hais. damn annoying also. know i dislike him alr still like talk to me etc. part of the act , his speech was 'and this beautiful lady whom captured my heart ever since i met her' he keep on NG sia wtf! others still can leh. this keep repeat repeat. argh. 
they went for cambodia outing tday.. bbq. sigh reminded me of the past agn. like when the grp of cambodia ppl vvery close tht time was the time me tried to blend in with zh they all.. sian why did i do that?! i still miss the past so much... guess i done a good jobing on stop being so obsessed over zh.. i still like him thou, just feel that there's no need to show out. and i promised myself not to appear in front of him after i knew he blocked me on twitter.. i cant break this promise right..hais. whenever i'm afraid, like in a dark place or scary place, i will think of him to distract my thoughts. it has always been this way. nvr changed. maybe a period of time not, but in the end still..
feelings that come back are feelings that never faded away.

take care.

haix. all of them going ecp tml. and im not invited. guess i'm just a person who is being forgotten and blended in the dark. damn, i dont wanna be sensitive but this feeling just keeps on haunting me. i wish i wont care too. they will be having so much fun and i'm rotting @ home. this isnt the sad part la..sad part is that when they go out they dont even thought of asking me! they also dont bother asking me go! so i shldnt be so shameless to go ask right! i thought i was in that group, guess im wrong, totally wrong. i shldnt try so hard, cos i know it's pointless. no one cares. i dont like this feeling; being left out, loneliness etc. like what i said, i shld be alone, cos no one really bother if im around or not... i wished i had friends who would stay! i wished people were more sensitive to my feelings. i am not exactly surpirsed thou, cos things were all along this way. isnt it? i just hate this feeling...

i nvr meant anything to anyone.

leonard talked to me today. he went out with me today because he wanted to talk to me. he told me to be myself. thn a lot lor. sigh. he said when i was sec 1, i was happy. i was myself. now, i try to be like someone else. i am not myself. he wanted me to be myself. i keep on following people's opinions and agree. he spoke so much to me and i realised, oh ya. yes, i am like that. and really, i didn't want it. so i should change it. not because he want me to, but i want to. i dont know if i can, i cant promise. but i promise i'd try. how should i start then? i am afraid i cant be myslef, i really am. haix.

last night, i tweeted,
'I feel that I'm a jinx. Everytime when I'm around, bad things are bound to happen.'
jj tweeted me, '@RTJX dont think too much!! no such things!! ^^'
'@C_JiaJun why not? It's like.. aiya. Anyway thanks :)'
'@RTJX are we still good friends?'
'@C_JiaJun i dont know.. i hope we are.'
he havent reply, yet(?). i dont know if he saw and dc or he didnt see it, cos had new tweets after that. haix.. you know how much i wish to be good friends with you again? i still carry hopes. i dont wanna lose hope. please, prove to me there is still hope...

Haix! TW and Boonkang are quarreling.. And I really dk how can I help salvage this situation! It's all my fault..shldnt have tweeted him.. Really feel damn guilty and sad! I don't want them to end just like this!!damn if I could do smth I will! WO zhen de hen luan... Ze me ban?! I really don't wanna see this..i tried talking to TW, he don't listen! Just keep its okay, never mind, just end etc! Boonkang also! I hope they will be less stubborn' hais!! I feel so useless and worthless! And feel like a jinx! Only know how to create problems yet can't solve them! Fuck! How sia!! Haix :(

i hate the feeling of being left out! srsly!i feel like shit! and that i feel that i shldnt be thr.. i msged xq last night, 'tml baking u all gna buy ingredients ah?' 'yeahhh why leh?' 'huh thn i think im not baking alr.. i no money alr :x' 'never ask u to pay money lol....' 'no la how can..thn the taxi fare?' thn she didnt reply. we were going to send sicong off. in th morning (we were supposed to meet first) i msged her 'reached' 'huh thought u not gng?" 'i ammm..." haix. i didnt say i not going right.. she didnt reply the night before and at least can confirm my attendance mah.. i rlly hate it, why people can take my feelings so lightly? it's like.. i mean nothing u know? haix. thn in the train back.. mathew xq and tzehui are like talking and talking.. i felt so left out.. sigh. really dont like it.. :( but who understands?!

trying to plan an outing in the june holidays! im planning to like ask tw, leo, jj, wy, yq and jy?! i realised people i wanna invite is al from n1! haix. i scared liddat thn they dont want go leh.. haix! i rlly hope this plan will success! :(

i lost my specs..super sad! it was with me 2 years alr.. sian and it actually have some sentimental value! haix..is this a sign to me that i shld really let go of the past?! everything i had is leaving me one by one! even my specs!

不存在的情人
詞Lyricist：吳青峰
曲Composer：林俊傑

以為能夠看見陽光 才想起你早已離開
時間忽然全故障 心永遠在漆黑的晚上
 還沒一起去的地方 還沒實現過的夢想
只能暫時先遺忘

照片裡你的臉龐 笑容停在我眼眶
美好轉眼變了樣 像是底片見了光 變一片空白

不想更新你的近況 不想刪除你的模樣
假裝有人取代 你每天在我身旁
不願意被誰看穿 只剩我一個人的孤單
若誰問起你來 我會說 那又怎樣

想像和你吃晚餐 想像和你等天亮
故事就像標本一樣 眼前是美麗的假象 卻已經死亡

自己編造你的近況 自己描繪你的模樣
假裝還是一樣 你每天在我身旁
不願意被誰看穿 只剩我一個人的害怕
若誰問起你來 我會說 一如往常

沒人理解的武裝 沒人懷疑的堅強

不想面對我的癡狂 不想正視我的荒唐
假裝沒受過傷 所有痛一個人承擔
不願意自己揭穿 這是我對自己的懲罰
不存在的情人 就不會 離開我身旁

This is clearly shows how i feel and i am when i was obsessed towards zh! this songs is saying about a person who is living in his own world. constantly finding back his memories imagining that his gf is still by his side, but actually no! in this mv he is like laughing at himself, talking to himself cos this song is actually a very lonely song. he is living alone by himself but in living at his own world.. imagining that his gf is still by his side! ok lah maybe im not rlly like this cos me and zh wasnt an item before but it's quite similar to my actions.. sigh! im actually quite happy for myself now cos im not as obsessed anymore! but who can see it? who cares?! jj dont like me to be obsessed and now i changed! and he is gone! far away! i just realised in the past when he said i changed cos i became super obsessed with zh. but i just realised actually i did not change! that was the real me! from the start i am always very obsessed! it was only that i didnt show out. only until i got chances to get close to him thn my real self surface! but now i really changed! it does not matter anymore! guess how i realise these? i read my own old posts! i nvr thought reading old blog posts can make me learn so much about myself! because when you blog out your feelings, you will feel better. it's like having a conversation with yourself. reading old posts make me understand myself more and learn mistakes! jiajun i really hope you will see that i changed! i'm not the old rachel anymore! im not as obsessed anymore! you know sometimes i regret telling you how i feel, how regretful i am? cos you dont even care! this is so disappointing! guess you're better off with ur life now!

times like this i just feel useless and unsignificant! the feeling of having no one who cares for you, no one will even think of you, no one will care of your feelings! i really hate it. i feel so invisible and useless. i'm like a dark shadow blended in the dark..no one will notice, no one will care. i'm tired of making initiatives. i'm always the one doing this and no one seem to appreciate. if they appreciate i wont mind making initiative la...but the fact is they dont! that's what makes me feel useless and tired. yeah i've been trying so hard on people like huizhen? i treated her so good but she just dont care about me! she only find me when she needs me! i hate it! and i also thought i meant something to xueqi but actually not really! sometimes she just dont care! maybe i'm just too sensitive?! but i really dont wanna feel this way! there must be a reason! maybe i'm just giving in too much and receive very little so i feel this way! i shall be by myself then! i swear im not going make initatives to people who dont care! they will initiate if they care.

If I can rewind time, I will rewind to a year before's today. I rmb clearly, tht day was when i sent them off to Cambodia. Me and JJ were still very good friends. I had the sweeeetest McDonald hotcakes in the morning because TW spammed maple syrup on it. Zh waved at me, signaling byebye, after Xueqi asked him to. I smiled so brightly and was so happy. I almost cried when I saw the plane taking off. Leonard twit me zh's pictures at night (which i didnt managed to see it instantly). When things haven't not changed. When I still had good friends around.
I miss that.
I want to relive those moments and undo the mistakes I've made after that.
Too late now.

Walked out of the sch gate tgt with some boys, includ JJ. Suddenly someone shouted 'asshole', reminded me of times when me and JJ were close. I called him asshole, and he will call me asshair, and I will say, it sounds so awful!!
I turned and look at him, thn i turned away.
asshole.

Talked and slacked with Nichole, Boonkang and derrick. We talked quite a number of things. Things like... How bad Jiajun treated me that time? Actually I don't wanna be reminded by that matter too.
Also, when am I really happy?

Boonkang asked, 'I really don't know you, you like Jiajun or zhenhao?!'
For a moment, I was stunned.
Nichole asked, 'or Tingwei?'
I answered, confirmedly, nope, definitely not TW.
Boonkang than said 'then zh or JJ?!'
If he asked me in the past, the answer will definitely be zh.
Now, I'm just now sure anymore.. I guess when I had special feelings JJ is in the past! But why can't I even answer that question?!

I really don't know, today I saw zh's sleepy photo. So cute. Saw zh today at the sch gate too.. Stupid Boonkang keep asking Gajesh (beside zh) to see my hair. I was covering all the wah and walked away very quickly. I was happy to zh's smile.
I don't want this feeling to be back. But here it's here back to haunt me. I tried so hard to suppress this feeling, bit by bit. And now everything's back?
Aiya perhaps I'm just thinking too much!

Zh didn't come for rad con today. I thought I should be happy.. Gahh why but did I actually expected him to come!!! I was actually a little excited to see him.. This feeling is back once again! Argh how!! And today I felt so different during the service, a feeling different, very different from what I had in the past. This time, I was not so enthusiastic as in the past. I will still jot down notes. Today i dont even care! I cant even concentrate on what he is preaching and felt rlly tired. I used to be expected to go for another one. Tml theres still another one, i dont really feel like going. I don't know why.. Is it because last time I crazy over zh thn I liddat de?! Means all along I'm just faking! Faking that I like church a lot, faking that I enjoy being at there! I really don't know.. Sigh I think I shld just give tml a miss. Firstly I don't even wanna go cos I was not as excited for it as last time! Secondly I don't wanna see zh!!

Tw Skyped me just now. Asking about what I've posted.. He told me about the jealous thing. I shldnt be like so over, and I think I shld change my thinking.. We are all friends. I'm just so insecure.. No one cares.
About Zongyi that matter. I should have my own character. When I really don't want, I should let him know. 'I'm afraid of losing my friends if I rejected to do things for them for let them' I said. He said 'thn u rather them to like the fake you? You are not born to follow others, you should have your own unique character' this is like a wake up sentence. Yes, be myself. I'm still learning. It's hard cos I'm just so freaking insecure.
About Jiajun that matter.. Sigh. He also don't really know. And after that I realized, actually I don't understand him, at all.. (sad, really sad.) I won't lose hope on him.

Read motivational book today. Kind of like linked to what TW told me just now. "If you want to live an extraordinary life, you have to step away from the crowd. You have to be prepared to walk your own path. At times, when you do this, people may not agree with what you are doing; they may laugh at or mock you, and they may very well think you're crazy. Get used to it. Don't allow others to rain on your parade. Stay focused and maintain your vision.
It takes a lot of courage to live life on your own terms. You will be faced with a lot of fear. What if I fail? What if people laugh at me? What if I make a fool of myself? What if I am making a mistake? Those where normal fearful questions that come up when taking the road less traveled, the road to your greatest life.
The answer to all of them? So what. Do it anyway.
Living a maverick life is not always easy. Sometimes you have to really think differently than most do. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices. Sometimes you have to go against the grain, and at times it can be a lonely road. In the end, it is all worth it."

Another one that relates to me totally: "one thing I learnt a long time ago is that I cannot control how others feel, think, react or behave. I used to live my life always trying to please others, and I would behave in ways that I knew could make others close to me happy even if it wasn't what I wanted to do and it didn't make me happy.
One day, I had had enough. One day it occurred to me that I actually had no real control over how others feel, think, react, or behave. I realize that as much as I tried to make others happy (many times at the expense of my own happiness), they never really behaved and reacted the way I expected and wanted them to anyway. It was all an illusion of control."

This is so awesome. With these and tw's and bk's words, it kind of woke me up. But I still don't know what to do yet. I will think, and learn. I may not succeed, but I'll try. Thanks, Tingwei and Boonkang.