Church yesterday. You seemed so cold to me. Before church, in fb I asked if wanna go Wanyu house tgt. You said you going with Gajesh, ask Royce. But then I asked Gajesh he said he wasn't going. Then I asked you again if you're going, you shook your head. And you face.. Like abit black black leh. Hais!
I thought you really not coming alrdy, but ended up coming at 10++. I'm afraid, is it you didn't want to come wit me so you came late on purpose? But if really is this case, why come so late?

But you didn't seem very cold to me alrdy. Karaoke room. 'need you now' I took the mic, you were taking one too. I sang one sentence and you continued another one! Quite shocked. Haha! There was a time where the room only left me and you. I asked if you were angry with me after reading that letter, you said no, actually most of the things you know alrdy.
Omg man! How he know?! So i said he is clever, and I'm stupid! Hais. But at least he did not reply me coldly. :)

I hope we can be like normal friends soon, I am really not expecting a lot.. (right?)

hais! gave out letter i wrote for people. and i think no one cares :/ but xueqi said ty to me cos this is th first time she get letters! hahas! she's really cute.
jj, tw doens't seem to care. :/ shuanghui and charmaine even worse!
zh.. i put in so much so much courage to give him! and guess what was the first thing he do after he got the letter? he asked gajesh to read to him. darn! and xueqi told me while she walked pass the lockers, zh was reading the letter out LOUD to his friends (MORE THAN 7 OF THEM) ahhhhhhhh!!!! why must he do this. i mean seriously, that letter wasnt just for fun or a joke for him to make. argh! i dont know what to feel now like seriously. sad? angry? happy? relieved? agitated? anxious? scared? I DONT KNOW. no emotions.

tw.. hais! we used to be so close and now i think i was scirpped off from your 'aweosme friends' list. (or perhaps i never was in from the start) why? why did everything started to change? darn. i dont know, really dont. is my fault or he just simply forgotten about my presence? he didnt even ask me about my blog link, guess he doesnt read anymore. jj also! i know they dont care anymore. i mean, i REALIZED. ONLY TILL NOW. this is something i should know. maybe they cared, but i can assume myself is that, now? not anymore. perhaps it was my STUPID character that made them distant themselves from me. i am always making them embaranssed, huh? i tried my best to change alrdy. hais. hais. hais. sorry for being stupid then.

in zh's letter, i asked him for a reply about going to wanyu house tgt after church. and he didn't even sms me a 'K' or 'No' yet.. hais :(

I really wish that I wasn't sensitive. But the way they treat me is really getting colder and meaner.. I really really told myself not to think so much, but this is what I see for now :( sigh! Perhaps I'm just being over sensitive.

I'm so happy that I finally managed to talk things out with derrick and become friends again. :) though I know things won't be as the same as before, I hope we will still be good friends. Perhaps, I shouldn't really spend too much time with him because I'm afraid we might quarrel (again). I hope he's happy (or even happier) with wendy and co. take care, derrick! :')
I still miss us being so close friends back then. but.. It's okay :)

Why am I keep giving myself unnecessary disappointments? I messages zhenhao again, asking him if he's going for wanyu's BBQ. He didn't reply! AHHH darn!? I actually wanna ask him that wanna go tgt after church but he didn't even reply me. I thought me and him are like normal friends now, I really do, or else I wouldn't had asked that question. But why? Why everything just goes back to the starting point again?! This isn't the first time already! Is being just friends that hard? Hais! I'm such a failure.

What is me? Who am I? Which is the real me? Is this me?in this vast infinity of time, how do matter?

I don't know.

This why I'm afraid.

I cried while having a talk with Jiajun, asking him where I went wrong. I cried so much. I think I really lost track of myself. Why am I like this? I really really don't know! I know this isn't me but what is the real me?! Where is it?! Is it still possible to get back? All this is the real me?! Wth am I thinking?! He tried to stop me from crying. Really made me felt better actually. I'm sorry Jiajun! Calling you up at this point of time makin you having lesser sleep. Hais! Perhaps I'm just a time waster for people :( I'm sorry Jiajun! I'm sorry sorry sorry. I wasn't trying to make you sympathize me by crying. I can't stop myself from crying, really. :( I'm sorry. Sorry. Sorry sorry sorry. Perhaps the more times I say the lesser it sounds sincere. But, I meant it.

I stopped crying. Went to mother's ro to brush my teeth before I sleep. I overheard her trying to act like how I talked when I was crying. And darn, it hurts so much and I was really angry. Straight away after I finish brushingy teeth, I rushed back to my room. I cried again. For the fact that my family actually tease me when I cried. Really hate this.

This morning they meet up for cambodia outing. Jiajun told me last night he would pass me my specs at the meet up. So, 10am in the morning I went to Mac. I saw mathew and Benjamin. Wondered where are the others (curious, just curious). Benjamin asked me join them, since I alrdy know them. I rejected, haha cos I know there are times when I shouldn't be in. I have to categorize them. Okay. Then after like 20min, some ppl came. I went up sitting with them. Was like so quiet and Charmaine wasn't talking to me as much as she did in the past. Sigh! Then derrick came.. Walked pass like he dk me, at all. Nvm! After that Shermaine look thru cambodia fb group jj posted that he won't be going alr! I said no la last night he said he would! But the post was like 6am in the morning? Lmaooo! Then I was like.. K lorr, I go home le. It was like so awkward and I DON'T WANT THEM TO HAVE A IMPRESSION OF ME WANTING TO GO (when I don't want, really)

I'm always filled with troubles and worries. Hais! No one to rant to! This is my only place. I will still continue to stay happy and positive (on the outside). My objective is to make everyone happy!

I thought people really cared. Tingwei asked me to change blog link just because he didn't want to let Leonard know they smoked. Sigh! I thought what.. :( nvm bah. Actually out of people who know this blog, he was the one who asked me if I'm alright after reading. I don't know people are concerned or just simply curious.

Jingxuan is starting to post lots of things of fb and she keep replying me with cold replies. I'm pretty sure those status were about me. Did derrick told her anything about me? Sigh! If he showed the message that I replied 'is she?' to Derrick when he said jx was my close friend, then perhaps is they why she said I disappointed her and left. I really don't know. She chose to remain silent. I cannot do anything.

I am afraid, I really am. One by one, people are leaving me. Maybe I should just start to get used to it? Hais.

Had a talk with a jianxiong. I'm actually quite envious of jieyu. It's good to have someone being true (but not obsessed, like me lol) to you, likes you but choose not to let the feeling continue, let himself to stop talking to you to avoid him liking you again. It's really really good. She likes him too. But she doesn't know what he is really thinking, she only assumes. Studies are important. But still, I hope they could have a chance (perhaps in the future) I don't want them to throw this chance away.

I wish (only wish) 'she' is me and, 'he' is zh.

I'm afraid. I really am. Hais. Tingwei they all are starting to treat me colder and colder. It is because that.. I really changed when zh was around! Argh. Darn it man :( I can explain actually.. (not totally) it's like when I wanna be with them, they are like pushing me away? As in the park, Jiajun only wanted tw bk and zy, not including me. So I followed Jianxiong they all back? Hais!

There are many times they went to smoke and really, really disappointed me. Sigh, I thought (I THOUGHT) I could make them quit. But now I realized I'm actually so useless and worthless! What's this! I'm just like one invisible person beside them, I don't feel that I'm important in any way (and this feeling sucks)

I want to feel significant.


Church BBQ. They brought cake to celebrate zh, Gajesh, Zhengning, and one other person bday. Each of them were given a card/booklet putting all their wishes in. I didn't put cos I was late in sending that email for bday wishes. I asked Gajesh if I could wrote in it, he said okay and thanks :) haha. I wanna wrote on zhenhao's, too. I didn't dare to ask him if I could write on it. So perhaps I'll just take a look first. So I asked him if he can lend that booklet to me? I wanna see. He shook his head and said, see Gajesh one. It was with a smile but... Not a nice smile. I didn't expect that. wow:( I think maybe my expectations were too high. But.. Forget it.

Hais! Gonna have steamboat tonight. Finally this day had come! Zh is here too! I really really hope my character won't change again in front of him. Note to self: be normal!!!!!!!! I'm really afraid :(

I was so wrong all this while. I thought (yeah, I THOUGHT) I was doing the right thing all this while but it came out to be wrong! Darn. Kill myself for being so direct please. Ahhhhh. I really... Aiya damn stupid! And I also thought I changed! As in my character in front of zh! But no, didn't! :( why why why am I such a bloody failure in life?! Results good so what?! It's how the person you are counts! I can pass in everything but when it comes to character? I failed. Badly! U-graded! Why!!! Rachel why!!!! Why must you be like this?! Why can't I be myself? Why must I make myself suit to other people's preference?! Why!!! Because I am a BLOODY FAILURE! End of story.

Sometimes I really can't take it. Is it really so fun to make fun of me? To bully me? :( I know they were just playing, but it really hurts to get bullied. Hais. I know I'm really good to bully but really, it hurts.

Zh ah zh!!! :'( why you liddat one! Stayed up to 1159 last night to wish you happy bday agn. And you didn't reply my message. I posted on Facebook, didn't see you comment or like also :( worse still, you replied to other people's post, ONLY MINE NOT REPLIED. you did it on purpose. I just you just didn't know what to reply.. Sigh! Really hurt me. I shouldn't have high hopes!! Ahhhh why am I so easily having high hopes! Darn. I deleted the post already. I think this is what he wants lol. Hais, kay. I really miss him.

Bitch? That's what you call me now. Cos I looked though your messages.. Kay..? Yeah bitch I'm a bitch. Invaded your privacy. Sorry! K sorry k! Darn. It's my fault, yes I admit. But why must I be called as a 'bitch'? You're becoming worse. Sigh! I see no hope in this friendship now (totally, none.)

I sorted out my thinking ;)
I'm gonna treat him like my friend! I actually thought it was impossible but hehe it is! Yay! It feels so good when you sort out your thinkings. I believe this is possible and it can continue! Will not avoid him already and will avoid sensitive topics! I feel good when he actually bother to reply me when I asked him a question! So I believe it is possible! Yeap! :)

So happy today! Really. It's like we finally talked! I treated you like my friend and try to make things less awkward! And I think I partially(?) succeed! Hehhehe!! Another thing is that you actually asked me to go for church camp!!! AHHH omggg! I was so damn happy when I heard that! Yay! I'm definitely going! And will be going church this saturday already! At least now I knows he actually don't dislike me going to church! (cos he asked me to go for the camp) wahhhh so happy :) never expected that! Yes yes! Now going church won't be a problem anymore :)
Lastly, happy birthday <3

Derrick.. Darn I'm just very disappointed. Post on twitter saying you and zh talking on phone just to make me jealous? And when you know I sent emoticon to zh on line you asked him to heck care me? Hais! Somehow I think there's no use holding on to this friendship. Actually wanna salvage but it's like no point. When we were so close, I treated you so well! You were once so important to me. And darn, after we fought? You treated me like shit! Saying these behind my back! Saying I broke my promise, yes I admit it's true. But why? Why must you treat me like I'm your worst enemy? I think you've forgotten the fact that we were once so close friends. You said I don't have the rights to scold you cos I broke my promise. Yeah right. It's like you have the right to treat me like shit too. I am not angry. Just disappointed. You now become the category of people I dislike: 曾经这么好的朋友，吵架后就翻脸不认人！yeah, this is you. i am the one in fault. But hey, it takes two hands to clap. If you really understood, perhaps we won't have fought. I will just let this go. Forget it. Just blame it on me. I'm sorry. I did my part. You didn't. It's all about effort. It's okay for you to hate me. I was in fault.
Everything is my fault. Yes. Continue to scold me. Please I beg you.

I'm really very sad when they said bernice was prettier than me Darn. :( I knew it, i would nvr be pretty for anyone! Hais! Forget it! Just blame it on my looks! Nvr will anyone like or wants, actually I don't really care.

Ended phone call with zh, Jiajun and Tingwei. It was like so fun! I tried to communicate with zh. He did reply me lah but it's like.. Aiyo awkward. >_< I sent him bday wishes and he told me he read till dk how reply. OMGGGG GOOD OR BAD? I think it's bad! Darn! :( I shouldn't be too direct leh aiyo!!!!!! Stupid rach stupid rach stupid rach!!!!! /smackhead. >_<

Although you and I aren’t together, I still believe you are the best thing that ever happened to me. I’m pretty sure you and I can work things out and one day be together again. I just need you to know that I’m still totally and completely in love with you and I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you throughout our entire relationship. I’ve never should have hurt you the ways I did, but in so many ways, you hurt me just as much. I can’t get over you, just like that, because you’ve affected my life so dang much. I’m okay with waiting, but if you never show, I’m movin’ on out. You were my first love, and I’ll never find someone like you ever, and those memories will never die in my mind. No matter what, even thirty years from now, “you and I” will always be in my heart, burning like a fire that’ll never go out, and I will always care about you, regardless if we work things out or not. You mean that much to me…

When Jiajun was unhappy with people touching Xueqi's hair, say she was once a girl he loved a lot. I was envious leh! Hais! I was thinking, when would a guy do these for me?!? Aiyo! Why am I having these thinkings? Thought I very boyish de lor?!? What am I?! Who am I?! Why?!?!? Darn. I think only Zongyi realized that I was jealous when they all keep mentioning how good Xueqi is. I bet Jiajun did. Ha! Doesn't matter anyway, no one cares. Perhaps there's really someone doing these for me but I don't know (maybe only, but most probably not)

I wish Zhenhao is the someone.

Someday?

Hais. I really really envious of Xueqi. It's like, there'll always be a guy thinking good things of her, saying her good things. :/ Not totally lol. It's like, Jiajun lah. Keep saying Xueqi so cute so cute. aiyo, when I heard it really very envious. Zongyi also! Pretty girls always have more privileges! Blame it my non-prettiness lor! So chor lor, which guys will like?! Haiyo! I just can't be as cute/girlish/pretty/skinny as Xueqi. Actually not only her. More. So much more girls prettier than me. Like what Royce said. Hais! Nan guai Zhenhao bu xi huan WO lor!

Haha! I really can't wait for tomorrow! Buying zh bday cake with Jianxiong and Gajesh! Hope he will like it lah! An hope he doesn't knows I paid for it. So else he won't like it? :( really dk. I'm afraid. Hais. Feel like a failure!
I'm currently making a draft of a message I wanna send him for bday :) I will check and check! I scared say wrong things >_< but one year one time lah! I MUST PICK UP THE COURAGE!!'!!!! I really miss him, really. Hais.

Derrick told Charmaine that I didn't want to buy the ball with them so they brought it without me! Sighs! Forget it. Either Derrick got my meaning wrong or I didn't made it clear to him. Nvm! Me and Derrick arent talking for like 2-3 days alrdy and it's like he doesn't even care! Forget it man. I'll always forever be an extra. Wth while typing this I'm gonna cry! Wtf is this! Darn. I really hate this.

Went to find my church friends after their service! Really missed them a lot :) I going go after I confirmed zh wasn't there. How pathetic, sigh! I asked Megan how he was in church. She said he didn't smile as much already. Dk is related to me or just she didn't really noticed him. He smiled lesser than Gajesh. I asked her if he's happier? She said no, he smiled lesser. I'm really lost now. Is it really related to me or just a coincidence? Hais. She told me to go next week then ask Derrick how he feels. Maybe I stopped going awhile the frustration will go away. There's a lifegroup BBQ next week and I don't wanna miss it :( takin a lot of photos too!! Should I just go for that and see if zh is still unhappy with it? If he is means the feeling is something that can't be changed anymore.

I wish he cared. I wish he would think why I wasn't there. I wish he missed me going church. I wish I meant something to him.

These are wishful thinkings, no?

I feel so happy that Jiajun finally explained everything to me! Really very relaxed! I start to realize like, hey! I was like that that in the past. And I'm not really worried for now cos he said I changed back! Yayy! So happy now :) thanks Jiajun!!!

I really hate quarreling with Derrick. It gets on my nerves when it's about zh. Whatever I do is wrong to him! This is the how many -th times I'm arguing with him alr?! Fk it man! I really hate this. He claims that he understand, if he really do why will we be even arguing?! He don't understand, AT ALL! I'm always wrong! I'm too crazy over zh he doesn't like! I'm hanging with Tingwei he don't like! Say I only like to hang out with popular people! But did he even go and think why I'm hanging out with him anymore?! It's because we always argue! FOREVER NO PEACE! I feel more happier with Tingwei they all! Seriously I think only them understand! Derrick never will! Why like that?! Really very frustrating! He always points out my bad points! I really feel very very sad. My shortcomings, like what butt very big, hair very messy, very fat. I know it's the fact and he's being frank. BUT SO HE KNOW HOW MUCH IT HURTS?! It's not one or two time but EVERYTIME! He's constantly lowering my self esteem! I really don't like it, but it's the fact. Sometimes I hope he go and think what he said. But he never will. He's always right and I'm always wrong. He never stood in my position and think! How much stress I'm having! From him! Yes, only him! I don't care alr la! Feel so troubled. It's okay. I'm wrong, let him blame me then. I'm wrong in liking zh, wrong in being crazy. Fk la argh!

Jp today, was happy that you came over to join us. Yet, we are still not talking. And I'm afraid you weren't really happy because I was there. Sigh, when will you talk? I took so many first moves alr but why not you? Why must it always be me? But another question came to my mind too, why should you take the first move? You dont even care. Yeah I know.. But I like to make myself believe, you actually still care. That's enough.

In bus today, Jiajun said, 'if only Xueqi is my gf then I will be the luckiest guy alr! ' because, he think Xueqi is very cute as she thanked him and said goodluck when he gave her d&t notes.
In my mind, I was like.. Wah so good.. Haissss. Pretty girls ALWAYS have an advantage of less prettier ones. And, I'm the ugly one. She's the pretty one. Sigh.

Jiajun's treating Xueqi so good. On twitter. Sometimes this is what I want from Zhenhao. But, I dared not expect more. Just hope me and him can talk again and remain as friends (or maybe good friends, I dare not expect more)

I'm sorry Zhenhao, for giving you frustrations and problems when I go to church. I'm still thinking about this matter. No matter how much I miss going to church, I will not go. As long as you are happy. That is what it matters the most to me. Please be happy. I'm trying hard to disappear in your life but it's really hard. really. I'm sorry I failed to do that. But still stay happy, i really love to see that smile of yours, even if it's not for me.

it has been so long i really seen you. i only took some glances during exams and dont dare to look too much, afriad that you may know im looking at you and feel irritated. im sorry. i really miss you a lot, and it hurts avoding you when i know i really don't want to. yet i told myself i must do this, i must not go church today.. you had always been the one. the reason i start going church and the reason i stopped going. always you. imy.

I will always have the time for you

Haha awwww!! I know lah :) but I won't want to bother you yeah. Thanks :')

so is you dont want t bother me or I no time for you?

I don't want to bother you! And I thought you're always busy ma haha ><

You know what? I dun care Liao! Dun call me ur friend! I mean it! Srsly nver learn! I totit was good! But you go back again!
Twitter for iPhone • 2/10/11 23:56

Jiajun posted this. I'm pretty sure he was referring to me. Problem is, I really don't know what he means, really. He didn't want to tell me in what ways I changed. He did not try to explain anything to me. Yes I should learn but what if I'm going on the wrong track? No one's here to guide. Perhaps this is why I'm not important to him anymore. Because I changed, and he don't like it. Maybe if he explained to me I could go the right track. But no, he chose to shut off from it, leaving me trying so hard to figure out that awesome brain of his.
Great job man. Everyone just continue. I wanna see if I really can't take what's the worse thing I can do.

i dont know who tto turn to. sometimes i feel that i'm just all alone. not physically but mentally. no one cares. perhaps jieyu does. but others? NO. who can i turn to? derrick? he would only say things that make me cry even more. jiajun? he used to care. not anymore. he have xueqi huizhen enough alr. leonard? he cares, but then i know he wont have the time. tingwei? i dont know. boonkang? i dont know. kenneth? i've got nothing to say.

kenneth said' i want u to give up too' wth man seriously another one? the one i never thought he will be one of them. really damn disappointed. crying now and seirously like who care? no one. i will never show the weak side of me to anyone. no one knows. i cried this evening, when i told tw i dont like ppl ask me to give up, he and boonkang intentionally said and said. and i cried. wth man. shuanghui, derrick, sharmaine, tingwei boonkang kenneth. FUCK LAH!!!!!!!!!!! REALLY CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE. WHATS THE USE OF CRYING?! I DONT KNOW. I AM REALLY GOING CRAZY ONE DAY. SERIOUSLHY.

Shuanghui unfollowed me and made me unfollowed her, too. When I first saw I was like wth? I frantically refreshing the page to check if it's a connection or sever error, sadly it wasn't. Really sad. She left. Because I changed. She cannot accept who I am. Because I didnt want to give up? I'm sad over it but then I thought for a while and came out with a conclusion: if she can't accept who I am, do she even deserve to be my friend?
Yes it may be bad to have this conclusion yet this was what she decided to do, this was how she wanted to treat things. Forget it then. I think soon, Derrick will leave. We are arguing over the same thing almost everyday. I'm really tired. PLEASE, JUST LET ME LIKE HIM. I DON'T WANT. I DOJT WANT. WHO THE HELL WILL SPARE A THOUGHT OF MY FEELINGS? IM ANNOYING FOR MENTIONING HIM, YES I WILL STOP. BUT I WILL NOT STOP LIKING HIM. AS A FRIEND CAN YOU PLEASE JUST RESPECT MY DECISION? I LIKE TO HURT MYSELF. I KNOW YOU CARE. BUT ICANT MAKE MYSELF TO GIVE UP! WHEN WILL YOU EVER FUCKING UNDERSTAND?!????!!!!!

I'm having a thought of stop going church, initially I went it was because of him, but then I made friends and they are really awesome. now I'm going to stop going because of him too. He said I gave in troubles and frustration after I went church. Really sad after hearing these from derrick. I should stop going. I won't tell anyone why I stopped going, everyone will blame him isn't it? So to anyone who's reading this, promise me that your mouth is zipped regarding this matter.

EVERYTHING IS JUST COMING TOWARDS ME. I really can't take it anymore. WHEN WILL THINGS EVER BE OK?!

it's like we are both taking ships. you will reach earlier than me. i'll have to wait a year before i catch up with you. by then, will you still be there? will i lose you forever? i'm really afraid, as time is nearing. will we lost contact by then? will we be forever apart? will i won't be able to see you again? will we just walk pass each other when we meet someday? will i lose you forever?

i don't know.

and this is why i'm afraid.