i used to be really excited for alevels to end, cos i knew we would be tgt after As. but now, i am not even looking forward for As to end, everything just looks so blur and dark. i wish there was a way to save this



hearing your post A levels plans, how u gna game like mad, travel with ur fam etc etc... it's just sad how i am not part of it, when i was supposed to be.

so affected idk why. like how u can just dc everything and said that. its fine ba, i will suck it up and get over it. dont worry people, dont have to talk to me abt this or smth. i will be fine by myself i guess.  

"eh what pic what pic why i cannot see sia"

"you cant see it one"

"private acct ah. oh thn idw see"

ya u are welcome (in case u wna thank me for removing u). guess thats what u always wanted?

carmen said it's psychologically proven that humans take 21 days to kick off a habit, to learn to live without something. 

it has been around 77 days after everything ended. 

how many more days do i have to go through, before i can be ok with the fact tht u are not in my life anymore? 

 我很想你，很想你。

i realize whenever someone reminds me of it, it just makes me damn sad. i guess its expected and unavoidable ba. just suck it up man rtjx. at least i look like i am okay alr infront of him? sigh so hard to be happy

shouldnt have read those past messages. 越讀越傷心。couldnt even stand reading it for a minute cos it was so sad lolol back to work i guess

today i saw his phone cover. he put the phone cover back. 

idk why i feel so so sad when i see couples break up, espcially couples that have been together for years...

it kind of tells me how forever doesnt exist, something i dont really wna believe in...

sigh. and when i see families around with babies. its like wah! i also want to have my own family and children sia haha. and i dream to have it, with you ):

sometimes i rlly question myself like am i a really bad friend? im always nice to people, always caring for people...and this is what i got?  and she just threw me away conveniently cos she thinks "i am betraying her"? the whole conversation was full of her assumptions, opinions and conclusions that dont even make sense. i feel so accused. like i am blamed and scolded for something she thought i did, or think I MIGHT DO. is this how u treat a friend? and the fact that she did not tell me ANYTHING about it and chose to bottle it up and now complain she cant take it anymore? ??? how is that my fault? and i had to ask her to know what is the fucking problem. i nvr thought such drama would still exist in jc tho. or is it just her? i guess i just have to choose my friends right. im so done i swear. have fun living with your own assumptions and being sour and unhappy about them. my conscience is clear, because i nvr once ticked any of the boxes. 

sometimes i wonder how long more i have to do this. yeah i know being sad is unavoidabla but how long more can i stop using it as an excuse to let myself continue being this sad? this few weeks have been really hectic. i've been flooding myself with alot alot of revisions and studying every day, every chance i can find. i leave no space for myself to think about you. i guess its working well? perhaps bcos i havent been seeing u cos i've been avoiding going to sch (to save u the trouble from AVOIDING ME) and to not make myself sad every time i see your phone. but sometimes it just gets tiring. every time i see something that reminds me of you, i break a little inside, and force myself to get thru it and forget about it afterwards.

but i am pretty sure i am getting better now, at least i dont feel sad for very long and take it alot better, perhaps bcos i know i have to study hahaha. just gonna keep myself busy and i am sure someday i will be immune to this

思念太猖狂 一個冷不防
一想起你 忙碌的生活變得空蕩蕩

nights like these i just wish we still talked. for some reason, these nights are very very long.

every night is like that.  

whenever friends ask or disturb me abt me and yj, i will just smile and laugh it off , 'we are just good friends la'

but it hurts as fuck to say that, we are nothing more than just friends. that sentence contains more sadness than it sounds.

guess i'm still weak afterall. whats left of me? i dont even know anymore. i still check out on ur life sometimes to make sure are doing well and happy. sigh no matter what i still hope u are happy. even tho its not with me. but why do i feel so so so sad... it sucks how i miss you so much but i can't talk to you. i guess i just have to get used to this!!!!

but i guess im getting better now? like i wont be so damn sad for a long time tho sometimes many times most of the times everytime i still think of him. i mean its still better tho. at least i look less affected la aiya sian. just gna keep myself damn occupied so theres no space for these thoughts. 

i dreamt of you this morning. i woke up in the middle of the dream, but i went back to sleep in hope to continue to dream. the dream continued. 

you told me the reasons why you were behaving like this all the awhile, because of family problems etc etc. 

"do you still want me?"

"yes, but only if i am not too affected by this (relationship)"

i wish i didnt wake up. 

fuck this shit i swear. what i saw completely broke me. he actually removed his phone cover (which i bought it for him). yeah , so? so? so what? shouldnt this be what i will be expecting? but why do i feel so damn sad. and he had to sit a seat away from me in macs. we were all seated quite close so we could talk. theres no reason for him to do that. but i guess the reason is me. hahahahahah

i wish i could turn back time. i suddenly miss the period when we were just good friends, and went out to study and talked about many things. perhaps i screwed everything up too badly. we should've stayed in that stage for a longer time before accelerating. its all my fault....

so you actually had to sit TWO EMPTY tables away from me?(plus its different row) good job ):

sometimes i feel so bad for making people around me to be worried about me. but i just feel v sad. at the same time i dun wanna make them worry. i feel like a burden... sigh but i am really grateful altho i dont know how to show it

everytime i see couples whether real life or insta, it just makes me sad cuz its just how we could have been, but nvr did. sigh

when will i ever learn to control my emotions well? i am rlly afraid. i dont even have the motivation or push to make myself study. everyday is just passing by like that. i just continue to let my emotions control everyday. and that sucks. i am so afraid i gna screw my mye and As up altogether. i dont understand this. i dont get that. the more i study the more i realize how much i dont know. and it is honestly making me panic. and making me feel like giving up on EVERYTHING. fuck this shit. i dont know how much i can take anymore. i swear periods suck. and its making me pissed off at everything. i didnt have enough sleep today. i missed two fucking buses in the morning. i didnt manage to get my notes printed. i rejected wk they all for lan to do my econs hw. and now i am here feeling as shitty as before because i just dont know how to do my hw, and it just tells me how much more i NEED TO STUDY, and how little time I HAVE. this is getting really hard. i rlly wish you were here. but oh well. u wont even give a fuck. 

i rlly hate it when i miss you so much but i cant do anything. like i can judt cry anytime in public. fuck this ):