Gave the letter to zh thru his sist. And still as per normal, no response.. Is this really the end of us? I still like you, I really do :( are we really really not meant to be? Haix. Talk to me soon, please. I miss you so much.

I'm like drifting away from everyone. Yes, no one knows I exist. Everyone forgets my existence. Isn't this good? All you wanted was to be alone, isn't it? Now that you're really alone, you should be happy with this outcome, isn't it?
I learnt to push people away from my life. I want some one to care but I'm doing this. I don't know why. But it hurts to see no one puts in the effort to care or just talk. Yeah I thought Jiajun will talk to me soon. But I was utterly wrong! He's flew far away with his new friends! What am I to him in the end? Just a tool! To get into this group? Agh! When he had no friends and just 'patched up' with TW, he was damn good to me! When he needed history notes, he talked to me! Now that he has got into this group, having a huge significance, and n lvls are over, he threw me aside. It's still not late for me to realize tho. It's okay. It's okay.

dk why i like pushing people away, when i want them to care. i hate how insignificant i am to everyone. everyone just treat me like plain air most of the times. i hate it. why i chose to be alone sometimes cos it's worse feeling lonely in a big group of people. no one understands, no one cares, no one bothers. not even you. i dont want to feel this way...it sucks, seriously.

hz's is so blessed. her bday, so many ppl put in effort. mine? no one came out cos they have prelims. but now they have n levels they still went out with huizhen! and same for tzehui, both of them had a video dedication for them. mine? nothing. here i am comparing again. haha i am still at the losing end. as always.

i thought jiajun would care about me...he told me before whenever i felt lonely, think again i have xq, family and him talking to me. but he don't now. i hate it man. you came along and treat me so nicely, now you just throw me aside like i meant nothing to you. sometimes i really hope you can see how broken i am inside! but i guess you can't be bothered anyway! all in your mind is just tzehui! oh wait am i jealous? no, how can i. no.

Hate feeling left out. Fucking hate it. Everyone just go out without me and I don't know anything until they posted smth or twitter/Instagram. Fuck I hate this feeling. They left me out from everything. What am I to them? Srsly? Hate it man. Agh. But what can i do. Ahhhh fuck it. I know they don't mean it but it's just.. No one thought about me when they're going out tgt. I'm like air. Wtffff.

JJ really nvr whatsapp me le. What's this? See this is what I meant by 忽冷忽热.

Me and JJ aren't talking in whatsapp anymore. He didn't bother to reply me. Last message was yesterday night. TW created a hz bday group. JJ was so enthu when Tzehui is talking. Wah wah wah. Talk to Tzehui thn reply so fast, talk to me sometimes don't even bother replying or just late reply. I don't like this. I don't like this. But I don't have the right to feel this way isn't it? He still likes her, after all. I'm just...blocking his happiness. I'm so selfish. I can't be like this. I guess I just don't really mean as much... I should just continue to like my zh.

It's not that I've stopped all feelings for zh, just that it isn't so strong anymore. Still, I'm going to write a letter to him for his bday, pouring everything out. Let him know how I feel. He should know. That will probably be the last letter he will be receiving from me. After which, we will go separate ways. For good? I don't know. I'll miss him for sure.

Me and JJ started talking on whatsapp days ago. He asked me if I miss the past. I miss the past. I hate the present. We spoke about being satisfied with what I have. He is satisfied with his life now. He told me, to be satisfied with what I have. He told me, don't see what I'm lacking, see what I have. He told me, whenever I feel lonely, think again, I have Xueqi, other great friends, and him accompanying me to talk (I hope it won't be temporal). He asked me, why am I not happy now, I have so many great friends from N1, I have a good class, I have good grades. I told him something is lacking. I couldn't tell him what is that something because he constitutes mostly in that something. And when he talked to me, and consoling me, I felt that this lack of something, is filled up. Thank you. So much. I really hope he won't be treating me like this for temporary only. really. But that's what I foresee.. Agh damn. I can't help but feel lonely most times. He is the one who can drive this loneliness away. Xueqi can't. Only him. I don't know why.
Thank you Jiajun. Thank you for putting effort. Thank you for making me feel less worse. Although I know you might be doing this because you pity me, or you felt that I needed someone to talk to, so you treated this like a 'mission' (I really, really hope not though.)

I will be fine.