Asked xq out and she rejected me agn. Damn...why am I still putting in effort when I told myself not to?! Grrrr I'm not gonna put in effort anymore! This time is real!

--

Don't get why people around me are treating me so bad. Do I deserve these? Leonard has been treating me better these days. Know why? Coz I'm teaching him Chinese! And this is the reason why he's treating me better! But before this he treated me damn bad. he demans me to lend him my phone when i dont want to! why should i lend u my phone when all you do to me is to scold me dumb, take my things without permission and only find me WHEN YOU NEED ME? Like what the fuck? It's the right thing to treat me bad. Like I deserve it. Like I should not be doing/feeling anything when you treat me like shit. Fuck la. Dk why you are like that. You don't used to treat me this bad...only until this year. I fucking hate it. I'm not a toy. If you gonna continue treating me like shit I'll fucking do the same back. This time I'm not gonna tolerate. Dont take me for granted. Hate how unappreciative you are, although youre not the only one so unappreciative.

Junwei is the second one. He's not as bad as Leo but he doesn't know when to stop his nonsense. Pig, fat, stupid, dumb is what he always use on me. Damn affected everytime when he say I'm pig, or I'm fat. Seriously. And laugh at me when I need a retest for napfa. Anything regarding to weight problems/body image/fat I'll be damn affected. Whatever. Tried to suppress these nonsense but always to no avail.

Fuck this. Hate how people are treating me like shit. Because I'm good to bully, because I don't fight back. I just don't wanna stir drama. Fucking immature people

Leonard, if you're reading this post thru my phone, I wish you'd give me some privacy. 

Chatted on the phone wth JJ last night. Haha idk how to describe this feeling. I was happy. It's like us being good friends again. Like. Talked about lots of things. Studies, future, people... And I knew things I didn't expected to be happening. When was the last time we actually talked on the phone for so long? Haha actually it's last year's Phuket trip! But that time's conversation was more like talkin about things on the surface. Like prom, studies etc. This time was more in depth. I miss this comfort in talking my feelings to him. And it's back again. Two years. The last time I ever felt this way was two years back. Time really flies. 

Asked him to take a quiz regarding people like who he like etc and which song describes them. There was two answers each you give will be the two people you love and like. It was a psychological quiz. He told me his answers. I was like oh i see... (tho i wish the first ans was me wtf am i thinkig). Then he guessed my answer. He casually said I bet the two people is me and Zhenhao. I was like wth, it's really scary how he can always read my mind. And it's so embarrassing. Like in confessing. But I'm not! I guess after all these dramas, he still understand me the most. The only sad thing is that, I can never read him. At least read correctly. 

I'm grateful. Really. 

After we ended that call, I found myself can't go to sleep. Not that I'm like damn happy till I can't sleep, just that suddenly all the flashbacks came across my mind. Those phone calls especially. Rmb how we used to talk till 4 in the morning and sometimes not willing to end. Cambodia trip, talkbox, bbqs, steamboat, house warming, stay overs, lot one, badminton, that long walk from MRT to his house, SOTA, Norman, Bryant Chong, bday celebration at IMM rooftop, played with candles at xiaoguilin, west coast park, my bday celebration and the list goes on. 

I can only blame myself for taking things for granted. I really really miss those times. But they're never gonna come back. It's true, good things only happen once. I can only miss. 

Thank you. For everything. 

---

Sometimes it's an eye opener for me to see how selfish and self-centered people can be...know what, all of you were the reason why I've became a cynical person... It's still a miracle how you guys can dance away with life. Haha but well, life is unfair. Some people are just able to do what they want and get away with life. Just gonna accept it! 

I'm happy and thankful for JJ who bothered to show concern. I asked him, what's with the sudden concern and his reply was simply 'Hhahas just thought of talking to you lor! Hahahs! After snapchat'

I hope that's the reason. 

What if whatever he does was just out of pity? What if it wasn't genuine concern?

I don't want that. 

He asked me after looking at my tweet, 

'you're nobody to who?'

'Nobody to no one!'

And he started off,

'I used to don't like this or that about you

And people used to tell you how unsatisfied they are with you 

Say you wrong here wrong there

But I realize

The wrong isn't you

It's us

Hahahs

Oh well

If you don't like something about you 

Change our attitude about it

Hahahs

Like it instead

Cause we can't change someone of we don't like it

I replied, 'no, this's just wrong. It should be the other way round 

They should tell me and I should change

Not them'

He said, 'hahahs!! no

If we can't make you change, we change'

I was starting to feel something. 'But it's either

If they don't like me

They either tell me to make me change, when I can't then they leave me 

I think this is a better option'

'Isnt this happening now?'

Dammit. 

There's this feeling stirring inside. From the part when he started with 'I used to dont like this or that about you'. This feeling was back. The last time I felt this was.. 2 years before? Yes, sec 3. When he told me why he disliked me and I cried over the phone. This single conversation is enough to make me repeat that process. I didn't like this feeling, but I missed it. I was glad that JJ was frank and I knew what I should know. Thank you, thank you for always being the one I can trust. I guess he's the only one who will even bother to say these things to me and try to make me learn. But end up, I never learn. Even after 2 years. Am I really hopeless? 

Was crying a little while having this conversation on whatsapp. There's only two person who can make me cry; Zh and JJ. But jj makes me cry easier, and I cried over him more than I cried over zh. I don't usually cry because of love, or because of zh coz what he do is to only ignore me, not really hurt me (although it's hurting to see him ignoring and avoiding me). JJ is different. He explored into my weak and bad points and tell me where I was wrong and put that effort to articulate them to me. And when I lost him as my friend, I was really upset. Remember one time I called him and told him how much I regretted and how much I wish we were still good friends. That phone call, that time, was the worst breakdown I ever had. Why would I cry? That's because it's hurting to see how bad people think of me. But it's also good to know, although very, very hurtful. I am really thankful for JJ and happy that he's back to my life (at least temporary?). I hope it isn't temporary tho, haha but this hope might not come true. My ultimate wish is still that we can be as good as in the past, which is nearly impossible now. 

----

Today in class, I had a lot of fun and laughter with Yanli they all. I was laughing so much. And suddenly Tzehui just look at me from her seat and said, '你笑怎麼多嘴巴不會酸啊？' and that look on her face clearly shows she's raging. Zzzz I just ignored her but I felt damn affected. What, am I the only one laughing? And not everyone live to please you. Not everything will always go your way when you show your temper. The world doesnt revolve around you. Suck it up and get over yourself. 

I don't understand this.

Jiajun whatsapped me asking me to take care after seeing my tweet on twitter. And he started talking to me. 

He suddenly said 'you don't really get me to care'

Uh, I replied 'haha you said like I'm desperate for you to care for me' after he asked me to say what I wanted to say. 

Then he replied 'that's what I thought too. No la siao'

That first sentence srsly shocked me. What if the first sentence was the truth? That means there might be a chance he's reading this blog, or he won't know what I'm feeling. I won't show it out..

But srsly, I'm not say, desperate for him to care for me. 

Just that when he do, I feel really happy. 

What's with the sudden concern anyway...as in we are still talking now, mostly he initiating. What's with the sudden concern? It's like, he treats me like I'm invisible. Then, he suddenly show concern to me. It's just 忽冷忽热. I don't like this. I really don't. It's like making me attached to something then snatching it away from me. I don't like to be brought up to the sky then suddenly drop into a big, black endless hole

I hope he'll continue initiating (although it is a high chance that he won't coz I kept giving hostile replies and it has happened many times in the past when he just suddenly talk to me then stopped for a long time). Not that I don't appreciate his concern for me when I give hostile replies, just that I don't wanna sound desperate.. And that I don't wanna make myself too happy coz I know I'll be disappointed in the end. Truth is that I really appreciate his concen, and I hope he won't get the wrong idea

Thank you, thank you. 

last post, i mentioned i wasn't the only one who was left out in the group. xq too, was being left out. but, how is she left out? yep, she isn't that close to tingli they all so they might forget to include her in their plans. but she have jiajun and zongyi! the one who is alone is ultimately me! who can i turn to? how can she say she feel alone when she have her friends? it's me who is lonely... i never wanted to sound pathetic, so i kept all these to myself the whole time. who will even care anyway!how many times i asked xq out and how many times i get rejected..fuck this..i am never gonna put in effort anymore. everyone just takes me for granted.

and yea i'm now closer to wendy they are than i'm with them... if one day i'm really in wendy's clique it will not be surprising! at least they see me as a human in the group...

srsly everyday is so tiring. after sch, go imm for adjustments. i hate how tingli says 'you live so near complain so much for what!'. not like i'm rushing home to rest.