Yes. I finally did it. Dk why I feel abit.. Sad? Ha. Perhaps it's because I now have one less person who cares about me. Sigh forget it. Somehow I regretting opening up so much to him. It seems like.. He doesn't do the same and it's like he was forced to care for me. I don't know. But now, he dont have to care now. I can see he's so much happier with Yaqi now. He wasn't happy with me. All along, I've been lying to myself. Putting in useless effort. For this forced friendship. Sighs. I don't know why must I be so affected, when he apparently don't care. People always take me for granted. I shld just stop being an idiot.

I like how u always manage to make my day a better one. Tho it was all my wishful thinking. I know we are impossible. And I'm keep these thinkings away. He was like so sad these few days. I wanna ask him what happened and cheer up etc. till I recalle smth. Last sat (while studying) He added "Hahahas!!! Asshole!! Smile :)" in my notes after reading my notes. I instantly smiled after i saw that. Whenever I'm sad I will just look at the note. It cheers me up. something he didn't know was that some of the notes were actually referring to him. It's okay actually. I'd rather him not know anything. I borrowed his iPod from him to see his songs etc. thn when I'm seeing, he was looking what I'm looking. I jokingly said "why? You scared I see smth I shldnt know?" he said "no la~" thn took back his iPod. I went into blank for dk why. He said "eh don't liddat la. Actually I.. Aiya u shld know what I mean". I don't. But I could roughly guess. I knew he lost trust in me. I thought I gained it back. I didn't. Why? TW also don't trust me. Do I really look like someone who will spread secrets around? No! In fact, I value trust more than anything. Tht time jj told me he 'like' ttl and tell me not to tell anyone, he haven't even tell tw. I blogged about my feelings towards it, and locked the blog immediately because he didn't want ppl to know he like ttl! In the end he was just fooling me. Do I not take trust seriously? Forget it man. In their eyes, I'm just someone who has a big mouth, isn't it?

"we both fucked up. maybe we fooled ourselves into believing it was realer than it was. i’d like to think that we’ve just forgotten how real it was, but what do i know. i miss you. i hope that someday you feel the same."
This explains how I feel towards you.


Me and TW drifted. I don't think he even care. I'm still very reluctant to lock this blog from him. Whenever I decided to lock, I told myself things like "aiya, next time. So troublesome." "after exams bah" "next time". Actually if I really wanna lock I can do it in less than a minute. I kept giving excuses. I don't know why.. TW, do u still care? Hais srsly... Prove me wrong pls

Am I really a lousy friend? :(

I'm not jealous. Im actually quite glad to see them ok now. I was the cause of everything back then. I'm just sad cos idk why me and Tw can't be best of friends. Hmm, it's okkay. Let nature take its own course? Hais idk. Hope he's putting effort cos I don't believe in let nature take its own course.

I can't be sure of my feelings towards zh. I thought I've let go but actually not really. I don't know why, always when I'm on 157, I would take a look of everyone in the bus, just to see if he's inside. I didn't take 157 deliberately just to see him tho. It's just most of the time, 157 comes first. I don't know why. And when I always board the bus, I won't see him. Perhaps we really have no fate. Really. I question myself that is it that I still like him but I just grew mature in managing feelings like this or are these just habits or, feelings simply faded bit by bit? I really don't know.

Can't be sure of my feelings towards JJ too. This is really unsure! He treats me like 忽冷忽热, and it's making me :/?! Idk lahh! But one thing im sure of Is that he have someone else on mind, and i definitely stand no chance. The attention he give to me will also be temporary. I shldnt think of things that wont happen. agh. I'm afraid that I'd fall deeper. It's like quicksand. Aiya even if I really like it will be a substitute of zh again! Like in the past! So these feelings are not true right? Hais. Doesn't matter anyway? I guess these are all temporary feelings, they will fade. They will fade.
They will fade.

Firstly, just received an email from the audition company. Guess what, I didn't get in. I wish I wasn't so affected by it. When I first saw that email I was like, aiya, forget it. Next time got other audition thn try again. Afterwards sadness followed. I was putting on a strong front. I hate it. Hard work doesn't pays off for me. Why! Why always me?! Fucking hate this shit. I'm a failure. I believe hard work pays off, but just not on me. I am just fated be the one that try, try, try, try and fail. fuck. My dreams just came crashing down. Hate it hate it hate it.
Secondly, HTC sent in my phone just now. When I sent to there, the phone can't even on. And when I first got back the phone today, it can on. Then after a few mins, the Phone just auto restart! Wtf? Then I kept trying till now the phone can't even on. Agh so angry. Not like I have lots of time to go down and send the phone. Wanted to just sell it away, get it over and done with.

Freaking two things came tgt and just completely broke me aprt. Esp the audition. Good job. Good job.

Xueqi wanted me to lock this blog from everyone. She want me to protect myself. What if TW go around showing others etc. I believe he won't. But I nvr know. I'm really, really reluctant to lock this blog from TW. I don't know why. Is it because I still want him to care? But I told myself not to bother him anymore, not to bring him unhappiness anymore. I'm such a troublemaker. TW, if you're reading this. It's not your fault for these. It's me. You've given me more than enough. I expected too much from you. I'm sorry. I risked this friendship by posting the previous post. Before posting, i thought it throughly. Publish/save draft? I published, thn deleted, thn make draft. I still published in the end. Simply because this is my private blog, and i should be posting what i want and what i really feel. I took a risk. And things really happened. I jeopardized our friendship. I didn't know how to salvage this now. I know you're angry now. I know you may hate me in the near future (or even now). Something I can tell you, I simply turned my sadness into anger. (if u know why I'm sad). My mixed feelings will always get me nowhere, or here. I guess I'm okay now. I hope you'll be okay soon. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I guess I'll lock this up soon. I'm really very very reluctant to do so but... I don't wanna stress you any further. From the day you started reading this blog, it was already a mistake. But if you tell me not to lock it from you, I definitely won't lock it. Thank you so much for being such a great friend. I'm really thankful for you.

It's like if I don't put in effort, you never will. Yes TW. I'm saying you. Seeing how happy you all are, makes me feel... Idk how say. You can say I'm jealous, whatever. But it's just that, I hate feeling replaced. I'm nothing now. Dust? Even more insignificant than that. Yes, you can never satisfy me. So they are better. Your mum. Your bro. Your boss. I can't be bothered anymore. Go ahead and have fun. Leave me aside. Throw me aside. I know you feel stress because of how I feel. It's okay. You don't have to care anymore.. I know you're tired. I am too. If you're not gonna put in effort, then I won't too.. sigh. I wish I didn't had to cry for this. What for? You don't even care... So god damn tired. I'm not stirring up drama or whatsoever shit. This is just how I feel. Yes i am childish, immature, attention seeking, unreasonable. But who actually spared a thought for my feelings? No one! What's your definition of pap? Your that group of awesome friends. I was really wondering why, why TW treated Tzehui so good. No wonder, cos JJ like her. If you're going to get angry over this, don't bother. Don't read anymore.
I hate feeling unappreciated... Do so much and get almost nth back.. It's always like that. Why am I always the one? Perhaps I'm just born like that! Born to be people's sticky notes!
It's like I wish I didn't have to compare. What I mean to TW? I really dk. When he is sad, I would ask him what happened etc and he would always no lah. And refuse to say. When Tzehui/Yaqi asked, he would say like I text you etc. why? I am not the one he would open up to. Yet I'm constant opening up to him by letting him to read this blog? Pure curious or care? Srsly? I wonder. In the end, how much do I actually mean to him? What am I to him?
I've given up hope on JJ. I know he would never care anymore. I cared too much. Now it's payback time. Lesson of the day: don't trust. I always thought putting in more effort will result in better endings. But I was wrong. Utterly wrong. It doesn't equate.
TW, don't let me lose hope on you too, pls.

Msged Derrick to like talk things out and be friends agn.. And I was sad after that.

derrick. can we talk things out and be friends again?
Do you think we still can be friends ?
if you do, then we will.
From the day you betray me ? I cannot forget leh . What you did to us when we helped and be good to you . Idk what's the reason for you to do it . I now only hope to study well and get the results I want and leave this school . I think there's no need to patch lah ! You just stay with the friends you have now :) just treat them good and be yourself ! :) get good results and study hard :)
no derrick. you dont know anything. you dont know at all.. so i suggest to have a talk.
Rachel, I don want to know anything now . Friends now are not important already . I just wanna study . If we patch, there will be a lot of troubles starting again . You understand ? Don get yourself into any more trouble ! Isn't it good now that you have a clique that you like ? Now you don have to worry this and that or who to entertain or who to follow . Just stay with your clique ! Understand ? I won't let anyone know about all these messages you sent me ! Don worry :)
are you having difficulties so youre doing this? i can see youre unhappy. really. dont be like this... we can be like just normal friends. i dont want us to walk pass each other like strangers. it hurts. we were once so good friends.
I am unhappy . I think that I shouldn't trust any of my friends so much . Yes We can become normal friends but think again. What if you clique finds out and backstab you ? Is it wise for you to make this move ? Later they say bad things and all troubles starts again ! And now you only have that clique that supports you ! If you make a wrong move, you will regret . I can see that you are very happy with them !
I also feel hurt and know that we are once very good friends . But things are different now Rachel ! Face the fact and move on in life :)
thats what you see. i not really am. if it's me that made you lost trust in friends, then im really sorry. i didnt betray you. why cant we just have friends on the both sides? i have nothing for them to betray. i have nothing left for them to take away. i just dont want to be classified as an enemy to you. i hate how different things are now. i hate how your thinking is now.
i wont force you then. if this is what you want. all the best in life.
We won't classify you guys as enemy but just people that we are not close with . You don have to say sorry Cus it's not your fault . It's my own fault . You too all the best in life .
is this what you really want? tell me. why cant we do things that we want and things that make us happy? why must we think so much on becoming friends agn? 为什么要每天过着提心吊胆的生活?
its not me that havent let go derrick. its you. the fact that i want us to be friends agn is because i wanna start anew. but you seem to be afraid of lots of things. what happened? why did you change so much? from a simple befriending, now becomes a potential factor for backstabbing, sadness and problems.
We can be happy and be friends back ! But what about our own friends ! They won't be happy right ? Im fine with becoming back to friends but will they be happy ?
If you don mind , we can be back normal friends or classmates . We can smile to each other when walking pass . But that's all we can do .
so you are worried of how your friends will think about you? if it's that case, then it's okay. forget what ive said. i dont want to jeopardize your relationship between u and ur friends. perhaps i was too self centered that i didnt spare a thought for u and ur friends. nvm bah. we just remain like how we used to be. its okay. Not only I am worried for how my friends will look at me but your friends too . Don just look at their outside , know their inside too . They won't be happy
you're the best person i met among my friends. even till now. thank you. it is a pity that we couldnt friends. but its okay. maybe no fate. okay bah. i shall not disturb you more. all the best in everything you do!!
You too Rachel :)

self explanatory. i felt like crying. it was futile. sigh. i didnt expect us to end like this. so saddening. but who cares? srsly? i really wonder what am i to people... sticky notes? use alr throw away.. hais.

TW apologized to me. He told me he didnt receive my message. It was me who didn't reply. Hmm? I don't know how should I response. I felt bad. But I was still a bit angry. I didn't reply his last message. It was a '?'. Makes me feel that he don't wanna reply. Hais. I think we are gradually drifting apart because of his friends. And now see what happened. I am afraid. I dont wanna lose him as my friend. Other than xq, He is the only one who really cares. I'm sorry Tingwei.

-

I feel like everybody treats me like crap. They belittle me, ignore me, undermine me, and just make me question why I even want to associate myself with people in general. Words hurt, and some are just so careless about what they say to others, without realizing the impact it can cause. Words cut deep and they resurface when certain occasions remind you of them. Also, it sucks feeling invisible, as if your existence in this world is worthless. Makes me wonder why I’m even here sometimes, especially when I feel like I’m not wanted.

I don't know what I'm feeling now. Just not good. We planned to go KAP to study today. TW said he maybe can't go. Note: can't. Leo can only make it at 4. Only me and xq was at mac. We headed off to Clementi mall to get TYS. went xq's house after that. TW messaged. "You two there le?" "we left :/" "Tzehui not joining you all meh?" "dont know. I'm at xq's house now. Want come?" he didn't reply after that. All he cared about was Tzehui. I asked Tzehui the same question. ''we at xueqi's house now. want come?" she didn't reply either.
Later, I saw yaqi's tweet that they all going for dinner together. Ha. No wonder. I was laughing at myself. In the end, who would care about us? So they could just ignore my texts and go have fun with their better friends? This is when I realized my significance. Indifference. Insignificance. Nonexistent. Stagnant existence. Tangible entity.

Change is imminent. Get ready.

Lots of things in mind. Before that, I am really thankful for the celebrate earlier on today. I thought no one would bother. Tw told me xq planned it. I guess besides my family, only ppl in the world that really cares for me is xq and TW(I hope) le. Still, I'm thankful for them. Whether they cared or not, they still came. Thanks.

Sometimes I just can't stand it but I wont do anything anyway. Yaqi is like keep trying to get close to Tzehui. Why? Because JJ likes her! She also does this to ttl. Because JJ and ttl are close! Idk why she's liddat. To get closer to JJ? Shes like trying too hard. She nvr changed... But I won't do anything anyway, it is out of my concern. I just cant stand it sometimes. It's just a feeling. Perhaps you'll not agree, but this is how I feel.

Jiajun like dc me alr.. I thought he really cared. So it was just temporary? Fine. I guess I nvr really meant anything to him after things happened. I shouldn't try so much... I still care. That time when he tweeted how he gonna give up his studies etc, I gave him advices and he said 'can't believe at such point of time you care so much' I asked him about it. He said smth like he thought I dc alr. I still do. Honestly. I just don't wanna appear desperate and don't wanna annoy you. Sighs.
Tingwei looks sad these few days. I feel useless when I knew I'm not helping anything. He's like ignoring my texts so often now. Sometimes I feel that I'm very very annoying.
But, it was all because I care. and simply because of this, everyone is taking me for granted. Why? Why am I always the one? I don't understand.

It hurts to see someone you care sad and not being able to do anything... For how can you be there for someone who doesn't want you to be there?

Loneliest birthday ever. Stayed home whole day and practically nothing. Hmm, it's okay tho. I told myself. Birthday every year also have, just that this year's isn't that fun. I will understand as there's prelims going on so yeah. Just feel sad. Hahaa. Also, idk why must I compare how they wished me and how they wished Tzehui. But the difference is relatively... Big. And the amount of effort put in too. I wish I didn't had to compare. I'm always at the losing end. Sometimes i wonder why my efforts are never paid off. Yes i do things without expecting a return but sometimes i just... Sigh, perhaps all these just shown how much I mean to them. They have their new friends now, and their new friends are definitely better than me, so i am now just someone insignificant. I won't complain much tho, I am still grateful for what I have and what they've done for me. That phone call. At least for an hour of my bday, I felt happy. An hour.

I'm still hoping for zh to wish me. I guess this year, he won't anymore. He might think I've given up on him due to my avoidance and that rumor. I miss him.

Derrick just wished me thru SMS. I was so happy. Thank you. :) really. And I miss you as my friend.


EDIT: Leonard just popped out with a cake under my block! I was shocked. He told me the actual plan last night but he can't make it. Thank you. so much. I told him "I thought u don't care about me liao" and he was like "huh" with a puzzling look and laughed. Ha. if you havent realize.

I feel so so insignificant.. Sigh. Am I really very annoying? Everyone is like being so cold to me.. Is it because I made them angry ytd...? I'm really very very agh! Idk lah! Why am I so stupid!! sighsighsigh. JJ flared up ytd. I'm afraid it was because I made him angry. Hais haisssss. I'm like a failure. Im afriad that I'm driving people who care further away from me. I don't want it, really:(

Hais.. I spoiled everyone's mood today. Firstly, JJ lied to me. About he like ttl one. The reason why I'm so affected is first, he lied. I hate it when ppl I care lying to me. And second, I was affected by that lie. I even locked my blog cos I value the 'trust' he gave me.. But it ended up as a joke to him. He thought it would be funny. Yeah funny. I feel stupid. Seeing him keeps on apologizing to me makes me feel bad. I was not exactly angry alr after he keeps on apologizing. But me remaining silent made him feel tht I'm still angry. Fact was I'm not. I'm just.. Sad. Cos I knew he like another girl. I don't know why am I even sad... Agh agh agh.
Secondly, they decided not to watch the fireworks alr. Thn I really want to! So I was like ala I go myself. Thn they actually followed! Wth! It's like they had to go because I want to go! I feel so damn bad! And! When we reached there, the fireworks gone after less than a minute or two! Argh wth! Waste trip! I made them come down with me for nothing... Okay still have! Just because of the freaking big crowd, we had to change trains here and there! It was tiring and so many ppl. I feel damn bad.
Thirdly, when they all wanted to take train back, I wanted to take the bus home. I just prefer taking the bus home from the MRT srsly. I thought there are ppl taking too.. But actually I prefer being alone. I wasn't feeling good. I was upset. I wanted to be alone.
I never knew this was a selfish act... Until Yaqi told me didn't u know it's dangerous to go home alone at this timing? I didn't even thought of dangerous or not... She also tweeted "you want ppl to care but you dont let ppl care" whats this.... Why did she say 'you want ppl to care"?! And TW also said yes, thank you huh. Thank you very much. It's just how important you wanted to be alone. After I read this I knew I was being selfish... I was being childish... I was being immature... I was being ignorant... I was being stubborn... I was being unreasonable... I almost cried in the bus.. TW also said 'Yes, alone. Then, you wanted him. What more do you want? I really don't understand.' I was like what?! I didn't say I want him! And i dont! I nvr had this intention! Really! Agh! I don't understand....
But then to think in another way, I'm doing things I really want and I refuse to compromise. Is it wrong? I really dk... I shld know ppl care and I can't just because of what I want then I... Agh!!

Now, everyone is unhappy now. Are you satisfied? Argh. Rach ah rach... Why are you such a failure? Srsly?

I'm a bad, bad friend. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't wanna lose friends like you all.

Agh. One sided. It's always one sided! Why do I always have wishful thinkings that I shouldn't have from the start?! I'm the world's biggest idiot! Now I know he really like ttl! So I should just stop! Stop all these thinkings! I shld just continue to like my zh! We are only friends. Good friends. Nothing more. I can't cross over the line. I can't. Now this proves further I don't and won't like him. Since he alr like someone, I shldnt sabotage his happiness. I'll try my best to help him get her then! Yep. That's what I shld do. I will wish him happiness.

Stay happy, good friend.

Why am I even so upset?! I also don't like him. I don't...

I kinda feel comfortable talking to jj. It's like an old feeling that came back. It's comforting. I miss that feeling. I wish us to be like before.
The more I see him disturb/flirt ttl, the more I know I should stop my wishful thinking.. Hmm aiya! Why should I even feel this way? I don't like him!! I cantttt. I promised myself i wont make him a substitute of zh again. And It's like, I'll never be good enough for anyone. ever. I can't! Stop. Agh. This feeling is taking control.
I'm falling in love.
I'm falling in love.
No, no. not love.

Took 157 instead of 174 today. The real reason why I took that bus wasn't because I wanna pass by zh house anymore. Idk why. I guess it has gradually became a habit. 難道 it was a habit to like zh also? I rlly don't know... I'm not sure of my feelings towards him but I just wanna hide myself from him cos I know he hates me... :( I wish we would talk. Really. But this wish wasn't as strong as the past... Whywhywhy. Is it because I avoid him till my feelings for him faded? So it's a good thing? But I'm afriad I would easily fall for another guy cos I don't like zh alr. It's like replacing the guy for zh. It's unfair fr him.

Sigh. My bday is coming. somehow I feel tht.... agh! Idk how should I put it. Many many times I do question myself my significance to people. What am I to them? What am I to you?

Last night, me and JJ talked thru whatsapp about what he tweet last night. We had a long talk. He asked before telling me smth 'can I trust you again? I want to' and suddenly, I felt so relieved. Theres this feeling that came back, and i miss that feeling. Thank you so much for trusting me agn. Idk why I broke that trust back then tho.. I rlly wanna know.

I'm happy. we are one step closer to be like how we are before. I'm relived. I'm so glad. Thank you.

I'm afraid. Rumors are spreading. "I don't like zh le and now I want Jiajun" what rumor is this srsly. Tw keep teasing about JJ. I'm not angry with him for doing this. I'm just afraid. What if they really thought I like JJ? In addition of those stupid rumors. What if JJ knows and believes them? I don't wanna end up like elieen. Really. I'm afraid. I want to remain good friends with him.