Kind of had a 'fight' thru SMS with TW. I didn't have the intention to. Agh forget it. He said, take it as he gave up on this f/s, he didn't put in as much effort as I did. Agh didn't expect him to give up so quickly. As least I know how much I mean to him now. He said I'm selfish, I want JJ all myself, dw ppl to snatch. Wtf? Not really. Thru it all, this is what he think of me. Great.

JJ started whatsapping me last last night. He said 'Goodnights Rachel!' i don't know why. He didn't do it because he wanted me to send him notes or whatever. He just started talking to me the next afternoon. I'm afraid TW told JJ what I smsed him. But TW said he didn't. I believe him, but I'm afraid. I'm trying to help JJ as much as I could; sending him chem notes, hist notes. I really hope he'll do well. All the best JJ. :)

Everyone just treats me like plain air. I hate it. That feeling of being left out, who understands? Apparently no one really cares how I feel! I hate how Jiajun only find me when he needs something! He's like Leonard now! Agh hate it!!! When he whatsapp-ed, I was expecting smth, like a talk? I thought he knew how I felt so he wanted to talk to me. But no! He asked my history notes instead.
What was I expecting? Him to care? Hahaha then I guess I don't have to cos expecting him to care = disappointments.

Reading back msgs and realized how much things really changed! Me and TW used to be so good! I used to put in effort to talk and continue the conversation. Same goes for Jiajun. I wish I could be like in the past always putting in effort naturally and not really awkward or what! Srsly. Now I'm even afraid to approach them! And it's like, they have their new friends and they're enjoying now, leaving me standing alone here. It's so so unfair.. :'( I wish they stayed! But no their new friends are better! So I'm in no position to feel or say anything! It doesn't matter to anyone anyway! Who would even care how I feel? No one now! Fuck I thought JJ or TW would be! But no! Never.

I really hate this. He's really not talking to me, at all. Only until I imitate. Argh srsly what are you thinking?! Times when I exclude myself from trips after school he would call me along when I was leaving. During tht day when we go for laoban, I joined after he kept asking me to go. Then he talked to me, but after awhile he diverted his attention to ttl and others. Agh thn he nvr imitate to talk to me alr. Srsly what? Don't act like you care if you don't. If you're doing this cos you feel tht I'm pathetic or whatsoever, don't.
I hate him for being ignorant. RMB tht time when me and him talk, he asks me about the hu leng hu re one. I asked, thn what do you think u treat me like? He said, Always 热 la! Ha, thn he ask what I think he treats me like. I replied, warm bah. Agh u wanna know why? Because hot + cold = warm! And yes, you mentioned you always treated me '热'. Uhm? I beg to differ. Look how's you treating me now. Rubbish.
And he said he don't like Tzehui le. I can see he still do. He fucking lied to me. Fuck. I hate people lying to me. He's a fabulist. fucking fabulist.
Why shld I even bother so much when he don't even care...fuckfuckfuck. Shld just keep all my feelings to myself. Must tell myself to not give a fuck to people who don't give a flying fuck to me. Must.

Dreamt of JJ agn. I dreamt of him ytd ytd night too. Sigh. Last night's dream was he was talking to me. Happily. I dont know why am I having dreams like this. It was A good dream but I'll always feel sad after that. Because I wish it was real. I wish both of us could talk often. But it's just like, he's treating me sometimes cold sometimes good. I can't see what he's thinking. I hope I know. I hope his tweets were referring to me too. But it's impossible.
Wait. What am I talking? It can't be possible that I like him. Guess I'm just thinking too much and feeling lonely. Sigh, I still wish he can be there for me like in the past.
Last year, we (me Tw JJ bk Leo) went to play candles during midatumn. I miss those times. I wish this year we can go tgt too. Just us. But I guess it will nvr happen, cos they all have their new friends already, ha! After all, how much can I mean to them?

two days before. kind of had a fight with xueqi. we are okay now. i'm just unhappy for the fact that i'm like the only one putting effort in friendship always. but for xueqi it's okay. i know it's worth it. it's not worth for me to put effort to people who will never appreciate...

jiajun's treating me cold now. yeah hot and cold. days before he came to talk to me privately and we talked quite happily, and now he dont even talk to me. i really dont know him. why? i dont like this. either you treat me cold completely from the start or hot. (tho i'd wish for you to not treat me cold). sigh. guess you dont really care about me. i shouldnt put in too much effort. i mean, i shouldnt show it. i'm afraid he might creep out or whatever. i mustnt make it so obvious. i dont like him. yes, i dont. there's only friendship between us...nothing else.

i feel like i'm drifting from everyone gradually...i push people away. what am i actually doing? i dont know. i just dont feel happy. i feel so empty. there's nothing for me to be anticipating for school or outings anymore. there's no fire in my heart. i'm sick of watching as the minutes pass while i go nowhere.

Yaqi asked me to go in the end, it was only because I tweeted her nvr jiooo then she asked me. If I didn't, will she even think of me? Ha. But it's okay tho.
I went, and I felt left out. I hate this feeling so much. They have their friends and I'm there like alone? Only Jiajun came to talk to me after he joined us. Wanyu like dc me lol. She's really just so... Aiya idk how say. Not the first time anyway... Tht time also like that. When she was trying hard to get into this group she treated me and the others so good and now shes inside here and totally dc me and hang out with her new friends! Wth? Who was there for you when you had no one? You're always like that! I don't know why I still continued putting in effort on you tht time when u are alone! I thought she really changed but what?! No! Go ahead then, and enjoy your new friends. Leave me alone then. I shall see. Agh.

so they're (jj wy yq tw) going tday agn. no one asked me out or whatever. i guess now i'm just plain air. no one realizes my existence. i think jj also wont think of me.. hais. i hate feeling left out...from everyone. i just have to get used to this. wait how many times have i said this? agh! sigh guess i really dont mean anything to tw or jj.. ytd me and tw smsed. i asked him if did he told jj anything about my this blog. he said no. im glad tht he didnt betray tht trust i gave him. he continued the conversation by asking about my lessons. we conversed for awhile and it ended. guess he is really happy with his life now, without me in anymore.
remember? i used to be like the yaqi now, going out with them, have fun etc... maybe she's like taking revenge now? ha, idk. not revenge but smth similar? forget it bah. she is still the same...i shall sit back and watch.
i really wanna be part of them, but it seems like...i wont be. i do question myself, why do i wanna go out with them? is it because...jj is thr? i cant be like this! i cant like him. this is leading me nowhere. deep inside i know, there's no way we gonna work.

You’re the only one I feel completely comfortable with. The one I can tell anything and everything to. You’re the one who makes me laugh and helps me out when i’m down. And I do the exact same for you. We’re always together but we’re not together. Only because of one problem: you’re in love with somebody else. So the only thing I can do is stand aside and watch you love her. 

I wish I could be completely honest and tell you when you make me feel a certain way but I have no right to feel this way. And you are completely oblivious to everything. I can’t expect you to know what I’m feeling especially when we are not together. We’re just friends.. so it’s wrong of me to get jealous when you talk about other girls. It’s wrong of me to get sad when you hang out with your friends and barely text me. I know its wrong but I can’t help but feel this. Maybe we should be more than friends.

went to wanyu's house for kbox tday. was okay. i dont know why when me and jj were alone in the room while they went out to eat, ppl tend to like want come in take smth thn dont dare, like dw disturb me and him liddat. i'm afraid, honestly. tht he will suspect or know i like him. thn things will start to change. im really really afraid. in the room, we talked. he said he forgotten about my blog. it was very long ago when he tried to access but failed. 8months ago? he said. wtf it was like last year! looks like he really dont care anymore:( sigh! he kept asking who 忽冷忽热 to me. i kept my answer as 'an old friend'. i am afraid he started to suspect something... like he might think it's him? oh no.. I'm also afraid that he come close to me today cos there's a motive behind.. Like he wanted to know if I like him or not? Idk. I am afraid TW told him smth. But I trust he wont. But I can't confirm.
was on the way walking to mrt station, we talked. i said i wanted to take bus instead, he insisted in accompanying me. i said '我不是跟你讲过很多次了，。。' thn i stopped. he pressed on to know whats the sentence after that. i refused. i really dont wanna say. he then asked me for the first word. '不' i said. he continued the sentence correctly. '不要对你这么好' he knew what i meant, but just uncertain so asked for the first work for confirmation. i actually thought he forgotten about this, never thought he still remember. the reason why i didnt want to say is simply because: one, i am afraid he would suspect i like him. cos i said this to him before when i almost liked him (or alr did). two, i am afraid he will really.. 'dont treat me too good'. there's so many things i wanna tell him but i guess he wont bother anymore and i cant find the right words or time to say it all out. sigh. i just wanna let him know i still like zh. i am not sure if i still do but... i am damn unhappy when i knew he didnt want to follow me back in instagram. not as much as last time le bah. forget it then. i am just afraid tht jj will think i like him so i had to cover it up with zh for the time being... i really, really dont wanna ruin what we have. I dont wanna end up like Eileen tht he'd avoid whenever he sees her and even dislikes her. he told me, he dont like tzehui le, that was just infatuation. i dont know why, i felt so happy when i heard that. i wonder who'd be the next he'll like.
I actually like times like these. When there's only both of us. And I can talk whatever I want to him. He's the only one tht I'll with comfortable with.

i am falling. jiajun, how? what if i really like you?

ha, this is like the question you asked me a year before.

now it's me.


-


just saw his twitter and can see he's really unhappy. i whatsapped him to ask. he didnt want to say anything. sighs. it's sad that the person you'd find when youre unhappy, will never be me anymore. isnt it? i miss those times when we talked on the phone all night. i still miss it, a lot a lot, really. i am still waiting for the day you'd call me again and we become how we like before. guess it's near impossible now. i really wanna be thr for him when he's sad, but whenever i tried, he tend to not reciprocate. i feel completely useless.. and it's sad to feel this way. for how can you be there for someone when he doesn't want you to be thr?

the main reason why i didnt want to go for the steamboat was that i felt that i dont belong, as simple as that. i still went, after xueqi tzehui & jj kept asking me to go. im glad tht jj kept asking me go. i dont know if he only wanted to ask me go cos he's only afraid tht i'll anyhow think. trying to make ends meet. i dont know...but i hope not. if u dont care, dont act like u do. i still went. i felt left out tho. not really la but abit la. yaqi like keeep .... with tw. idk how say. they are just supersuper close. i am not jealous. i am just disappointed tht tw started smoking agn. since yaqi is close with him, i told her to stop him. she tried stopping for 2 times thn stopped. thn she accompanied tw to the balcony while he smoke. wtf? i know im being very naggy or irritating, whatsoever. but i meant well, really. but yaqi is just...she rather let him smoke to be close with him, than to stop him (maybe he'll feel tht she's annoying). i just dont like this. i dont mind them being close, but just, if she really 'love' him, dont like that...hais

Sigh. Sent many ppl Gdluck messages for Ns and Jiajun just replied 'Thanks.' no emotion, nothing. I'm not expecting too much but it's just.. He treats me hot and cold. From the starting when we just started to be good friends agn, he treated me very good. What I tweet he'd also ask. But slowly he start to be more hostile to me. I don't know why. Did he treat me good just because he know I wished for that or he really wanted to do so? I think it's the first reason. Hais. I really don't want this. We are communicating lesser now. The distance is larger. I can't close this gap. It takes two hands to clap. Since he don't bother anymore, I shall not...

Looking at how Yaqi and they all are good together don't makes me feel uneasy, it's only when she tried her ways to 'show off' how good she is with them that irks me. She's just not simple. She didn't change. Sigh but they look happier with her though. Up to them lor. They just simply forgotten me. Have fun then.

I just followed zh at instagram... And I really really hope he'd follow up. I doubt so though. But please, prove me wrong. Let me know its still possible for us to be friends. I still miss you. I know you might alr forgotten me but agh, I still think of you sometimes. Guess you'd never ever feel the same.