Super angry during fnn just now.. Zongyi just took my seat away and I had to sit alone another table with other ppl! And I said eh my seat!! Thn he like dw give me and say aiya pls la~ argh thn I just let him! Super angry I almost cried!! Who even cares about how I feel?!no one! I hate this feeling! Why cant people be more sensitive towards my feelings?! Im not a woodblock!! I don't want to feel alone! Hais... Guess I just have to get used to it.. Fk ppl who take my for granted. Really dislike it. But I still... continue to give and give, and receive nth! Sigh why! I did not treasure friendship in the past, so I'm getting these shit back?! Hais!! I should only blame myself!!

Somehow I felt Jiajun changed.. He became like.. Very flirty? :/ his twitter keep mentioning girls, idk who but shld be sec2 girls.. Why he become till liddat? Is he changed or I'm just not used to it? Sian I really don't like him like that!! But I can't do anything too.. His life is his life mine is mine! He dont care about me anymore so why should I?! I really really dk.. I want the old Jiajun back..

Hais. I felt jealous when tw care about xq.. Arghh I know I shouldnt be feeling this way but it's just a feeling. He don't care about me anymore? Like in the past? Things are so so different now.. I wished we were still as close as before. I really hate comparing.. Like eg he care her more than he care me.. Cos I'm always at the losing end. And this is not the right thing I should be thinking about. But there is nothing wrong about feelings. It's just how you feel. I just... Sigh!!
I know tw will be angry after he reads this.. but I hope he understand it's just how I feel.

Going for rad con (church event) tml. Been so loooong since I went to church and church related events. I'm going for this because I think it will be fun. Reason why I stopped going is because i don't wanna see zh.. And.. Tml I'll be seeing him.. I really don't wanna see him.. Hais. I should just be natural!

was reading through me and tw's old messages on my ipod and i kind of miss those times when we were very close! reminds me of many things! those conference calls at night, also that time 12am call zh to sing happy bday for him! we went out to play! study at king albert mac! eat ice cream after studying! steamboat at jiajun's house! playing badminton at jiajun house downstairs! ton at jiajun's house! meeting early in the morning at mac! going out to play! cooking at my house! met an old man who is crazy and said 'nabei, ta ting ge'! trying to stop them from smoking but they just dont listen.. celebrate zh bday tgt! at swimming complex, at his house! sending them off to cambodia. asking each other want go where tml.. those times were so fun and although short, those were the happiest times of my life. and being jiajun's goodfriend was also one of the best times of my life! but those times were over and done with, i should be moving on with my life but the past is always better! with a memorable past and horrible present, how am i going to move forward to the future? i wish i could undo those mistakes and start all over!! sigh but its okay! no one's gonna care about me anymore. sigh..

i was so happy because i bought a motivation book and i realised i need it so much!
"holding on to the past is like walking around with an invisible anchor attached to your leg. wherever you go, there it is.. the past is history. it no longer exist, but you are keeping it alive in your mind through your thoughts. let it go. it is not serving you. holding on to the negative events of the past and wishing things were different or dwelling on what happened is not going to change the past. nothing is going to change the past. however, if you are holding on to your past and keeping it alive in your mind (as if it is still happening), it will dramatically affect your present, and, inevitably, your future."
all these makes so much sense and it kind of woke me up.. yet i still....

i'm still hoping that things will be the same again.. jiajun will call me agn at night and we talk till late nights..
things are so different now, how i wish he is still here by my side. protecting me, caring for me.. haix!

doing detention @ library today. couldnt unlock the back door and norman came to help me. end up cant help. thn i said its okay etc. he said sorry to disturb me... he was so afraid of me lol. reminded me of tht time when he liked me and jiajun actually wanted to beat him up omg.. haix... was at duyi with derrick just now and reminded me of the past agn. tht time me derrick sh char zh at thr. reminded me of how obsessed i was towards zh and neglected friends.. gahhh. my position dropped.. this is so disappointing and saddening.. is it because too much of these shit happening to me? haix...

saw jj's twitter. i know he is very happy for his 9th lvl position. congrats. :) perhaps without caring for me, you will do better academically, whereas me, start to deteriorate...

Haix. Sometimes I just feel very useless... Idk how explain but it doesn't feels good.. Hate how Leonard treats me now. It's like he have his new friends like hz xq th they all thn I become nothing! Really hate it. My bag was on the empty seat and he wanna seat, he just threw my bag aside! Srsly doesn't mean tht we known each other fr a long time then I will not be angry for you treating me like this! I nvr meant anything to you! Yeah maybe in the past when you like Jieyu and I'm goodfriends with Jieyu! I hate being used! It's not the first time! And twitter he asked xq did they go kbox aft the movie, she said yes then he asked Chung leh? Thn xq replied yup. And there is no me... I hate being so sensitive! Because I know he will nvr care!

Bryan is now constantly showing care and concern towards me cos he is afraid I'm lonely or sad. He assumes that I hide things because I stopped skyping with them. Fact is there is nth I'm hiding,.. I just don't feel like skyping and I'm still affected by JJ tht matter.. I realized I'm not rlly happy with them.. Idw to take bryan for granted.. But rlly I'm hiding nth.. It's just feelings.
Liangli's coming back to me. I don't know why. I'm now more with xq they all, and perhaps.. just perhaps.. I may be happier.. Haix but.. I dont want this.. I want JJ to be my goodfriend agn.. I'm happy tht he actually encouraged me to join the competition on twitter hahaha. Smth I don't like it just that he says for this friendship of us, 'let nature take its own course. If we become goodfriends agn thn good but if we dont, we are still friends.' why can't he just understand? It requires effort! Nature won't work!!
But I actually believe. If we are fated, we will be goodfriends agn. But I still think we neeed to put effort.. I don't wanna be the only one putting in effort.

He replied. Like he said.. 'Shun qi zi ran. If we can become good friend agn thn good but if we don't, we are still friends. Don't think too much.' I asked, 'but do you still feeling anything? Or nothing at all?!' he said... 'I half half?' HUH?! WHAT YOU MEAN BY HALF HALF?! It's either a yes or a no! hais okay thn! I rlly hope we can become good friends agn.. Ahhhh!!


"生命中我們握緊甚麼，就是我們認為對自己最重要的。對你越重要，越要懂得用對的方式守住。" - JJ Lin
難道我守住的方式錯了嗎？

i sent a msg to him saying 'jiajun..i have smth to tell/ask you.. call me if you still care' i thought for a very long time before i send. even flipped coins. all 3 tries say yes. so i send. aft like 30mins there is no replies or calls.. i start to think perhaps he wont. but surprising he called! i was quite shocked and happy (of cos). but i want him to call me because he still care, not because he curious of what i'm going to tell/ask him.. idk lah.. but still happy tht he called.
so i talked.. i had so much so much to say, but suddenly i cant say anything out.

i still said. and cried. and said, and cried, and cried.. i was crying so hard. hais. i talked about the past, how regretful i am.. how much i wish we can be like before... but what he only said was, 'it was the past', 'dont blame yourself, i have fault too', 'dont think too much', 'we are still friends', when i said i want us to be like before, he said.. 'shun qi zi ran lor'. hais! i was expecting other things.. i guess he really.. dont care alr. it really hurts. its like whatever i say, he dont even feel anything! hais jiajun!! am i really nothing in your heart alr?! its okay i wont blame you.. i brought upon these myself.. and caused myself these much sadness and sufferings.

i just continued saying everything out.. i ended the call by saying, your handphone bill free one ah?! thn he said he'll call me later with his house phone (which he didnt..) yeah i dont expect much cos most of the things i wanna say, said. i went to sleep early cos i was super tired.. morning received a msg from him asking 'tmr just go sch as normal timing?' thn i replied and we talked thru sms awhile. he didnt reply alr ha..and also saw twitter tht he mentioned me asking me to start anew.. i was quite sad when i saw tht cos i know things wont be the same anymore and we had to start all these again. but.. i dont wanna start anew without him.

i have words left unsaid.. so i send a sms to him just now telling tht 'can we be like before? i know thr are some things when u lost it you cant get it back. but i rlly hope this is not one of the 'some things'. idw those sufferings in the past to go into waste. we were fighting for a reason- for me to learn. but im afraid rhr ive lost myself, and i need you to help me. i want us to be good friends agn.. sorry if you feel tht im annoying you., i rlly want us to be like before.. takecare. i think this is all i wanna say.. if u dont feel anything alr.. then its okay..' this is what i really feel.. but he didnt reply even until now.. i even changed my phone to ensure tht i will receive every msg. but he didnt reply... ahhhh!! i dont think he feels anything now.. I am afraid tht im annoying him! Arghhh! Nxt time cant send le!! i shldnt had made those mistakes in the past.. howhowhow.. i dont want us to be just friends.. can we like just start afresh? i believe we are able to, if you're willing. i really miss you. i know you wont be reading this anymore, i hope you are reading, so i unlocked it.. if u still care, you will read.. hais.

there will be a pasar malam here agn. still rmb last year you went out to buy tutukueh and sugarcane drink for me.. forget why but ha. good times. when you still cared. thinking if i shld text you to ask if we could be like before again.. but i'm afraid of 'no', 'impossible' replies :( haix. why was i so stupid?! why did i treasure what i had when you were there? and regret when you're gone...

Last night, talked to xueqi about a lot a lot of my troubles.. i felt so much better. and i realized, my troubles are still the same - jiajun. i told her how regretful i am, how i wish things were the same, how i wish i could change everything.. talking about the past just makes me happy because those were the happiest times of my life. when jiajun still cared. i shldnt had took him for granted. i know he wont be reading this blog anymore because he dont care about me anymore. i see no point getting upset over him but i dont know why i still do. i was too ignorant in the past.. i was blinded by my so-call 'love' for zhenhao, that i dont know what is right and what is wrong... not that i dont like him anymore now, is just that i realized and learnt lots of things. after jiajun told shuanghui they all how he feel about me, how much i changed, they left me. those were my new friends, so-called 'good' friends. and in what position shuanghui is to say i changed? how long she've known me? charmaine, shuanghui just left, after these shits happened to me. only jiajun stayed. he kept hoping that i would change for the better, he told me in what ways i've changed. only he bothered to tell me, scold me... shuanghui they all? fly so far away alr. i also realized, those times, when i neglected jiajun for zhenhao. what, in the end, did i get? nothing from zhenhao, sadness and disappointments from jiajun, i lost him, my super good and important friend... sorry jiajun, i disappointed you over and over again. i know its too late to realize and too late to tell you how much i wish things will be like before. i can type an entire essay long about how i feel, how regretful i am but i guess that wont change anything anymore. you dont care about me anymore. whatever i say, won't affect you in anyway, anymore. what can i do now? i am not real happy when im with my new friends... they wont make me feel as happy as before, and they never will. day before yesterday, i was listening to a song that reminds me of those times when we talked on the phone everything, talkbox etc... i was near to crying. i still rmb that time you deleted bryant and leonard neo's messages and contact from my phone, just because you care, but i scolded you.. and you wanted to beat bryant up because he is a bad guy... i was so ignorant and foolish... i am sorry.
xueqi told me to call you, or face to face tell you how i really feel.

but will you feel anything now?

to: you,
im sorry for the things i've done, why i chose to change for you is because you are impt to me and i dont want to lose you. i may done it in the wrong way, but i really meant no harm and i always hoped you would take notice. and my intention would always be the same -- to let us be as before. i really want you back in my life. i've regretted. it's too late. no one's gonna read these and care anymore. thanks for being my best friend, thanks for putting in so much effort for me, and caring me.


it's all too late.