i realize that i've been surpressing my feelings too much during As. now everything is coming back at me. i cant stop crying fuck. 

i guess i will miss you for a very very long time... sigh, goodbye :(

its only the first day after As and i miss you so much alr....how am i going to go thru these 8 months ):

suddenly all the ntu trips and study sessions came into my mind, and i rlly miss those times alr la. ): esp now i dont get to see u that often anymore, it makes me feel damn sad. but its also a good thing, that means i can get over u easier ):

why does everyone always treat me like an idiot? i rlly rlly hate it when im asking proper question and ppl just give me stupid answers. and when i ask the second time they continue to give me the stupid answer. am i really that worthless to be treated with respect, at least sometimes? what a fucking bad day and it sucks to even have to find a place to cry because i dont want anyone to see it....

sigh idk why im so so affected when i see tht yall are still talking and its on a daily basis... and yall might even still talk more than me and him in the past daily hahahaha i feel like a loser srsly and so ashamed of myself ):

sometimes it gets really tiring to act like im fine but i still have to do it cos idw to make anything awkward or simply make things hard for people. but somehow i feel like i'm losing it sigh...

somehow i realized that if u cant live without something, it means that u must start learning to live without it. well isnt this the right thing to do to avoid urself being too clingy/cant let go things easily? i guess thats what i should start doing when i miss you. i dont exactly know how i feel about u now - sometimes i hope u wont do well for As, but sometimes i hope u do v well and get into the uni u want. sometimes i am so fucking angry at u and i wish u would get what u deserve, but sometimes i wish that u can find happiness, and i feel happy when i see that u are happy, like i can share ur joy even tho it doesnt really concern me. sometimes i hate u, but sometimes i miss u alot. sometimes i wish u can just disappear forever, but sometimes i wish u were here. 

its funny how u are so sensitive towards ur friends around u but u dont give a fk abt how i feel sometimes. its like maybe if they did sth wrong u just keep quiet or joke with it but when i do sth wrong u just scold me. double standards??? i dont know what the fk u thinking luh, and i hate feeling so shitty abt this. i still treat u so nice agh. its like 你把我對你的好視為理所當然的。

times like these i just need someone to cry to. 

sigh sometimes i feel being friends with you is so presurizing (or am i just easily affected by u?) like how u can always find fault with me and just scold me for no apparant reason. its like u just dislike my existence? when i nvr even do anything wrong, and i still treated u so well. i dont know man... and its even more scary when i see how u dislike and badmouth carmen... like if u can do this to her you can also do this to me someday right. i dk la, i hate being so easily affected by u but i just dont get why recently u start to keep finding fault in me and scold me??? wtf man idk whats wrong la. i fking hate this feeling because it keeps making me doubt myself as a person; like i am lacking in sth or my character is like shit

sometimes i think i really dont understand you. it's like you just became someone completely different. actly i shld be taking this better bcos theorectically i shld stop liking u cos you've changed and the one i like is the old you, but what is happening to me? what is my fucking problem? fking hell i rlly hate this feeling man. how u can just convenient tell me off without any apparent reason? and i still continue being so nice to u wtf. i dont know why u are treating me so damn shitty la, its not like i did sth wrong or keep trying to get ur attention. i dont even know why im still crying over this, and i fking hate it man. i dont know if its tht u've changed, or its just u

it just gets worse? and idk why i am feeling so fucking shitty????

maybe this is what i deserve. i dont know why i am still treating u so well when u dont even give a fk about me. what am i thinking??? and why am i so so sad...

what were u expecting man rtjx........

making the days count

i rlly like spending time with you. but i also know this is all gonna end after As, we cant study or hang out tgt so often anymore sigh. its like im dreading for As to end but i also dw this period to end. but its fine, cos i know it's time for me to let go. thanks for keeping me sane during this insanely stressful period and i hope u rlly do well for As :)

actually. i miss the old you alot alot. but i guess theres a reason why the word "old" is there. its the past.

i dont know what im thinking or doing. what have i become? i feel so fucking bad not asking her if she wna join but i know it'll be awkward if she joins. but if i ask her, will it be just to let myself feel better and not bcos we genuinely want her to join us? i really dont know anymore. days just go pass and we become less and less than close friends. i dont know what to feel about this either, its like i just cant be bothered anymore bcos i tried being there for her and she pushed me off. or am i wrong for not trying hard enough? but how much is enough?

now, i just feel damn confused and bad. it feels like i'm taking away everything that used to be hers, and she is left with nothing... but what else can i do anyway. i dont feel happy hanging out with her anymore. maybe is bcos she changed. or was i the one who changed?

i just wanna treasure everything i have now because i know after this period of mugging we will go separate ways alr, cant study and play tgt as often....