Last night, talked to xueqi about a lot a lot of my troubles.. i felt so much better. and i realized, my troubles are still the same - jiajun. i told her how regretful i am, how i wish things were the same, how i wish i could change everything.. talking about the past just makes me happy because those were the happiest times of my life. when jiajun still cared. i shldnt had took him for granted. i know he wont be reading this blog anymore because he dont care about me anymore. i see no point getting upset over him but i dont know why i still do. i was too ignorant in the past.. i was blinded by my so-call 'love' for zhenhao, that i dont know what is right and what is wrong... not that i dont like him anymore now, is just that i realized and learnt lots of things. after jiajun told shuanghui they all how he feel about me, how much i changed, they left me. those were my new friends, so-called 'good' friends. and in what position shuanghui is to say i changed? how long she've known me? charmaine, shuanghui just left, after these shits happened to me. only jiajun stayed. he kept hoping that i would change for the better, he told me in what ways i've changed. only he bothered to tell me, scold me... shuanghui they all? fly so far away alr. i also realized, those times, when i neglected jiajun for zhenhao. what, in the end, did i get? nothing from zhenhao, sadness and disappointments from jiajun, i lost him, my super good and important friend... sorry jiajun, i disappointed you over and over again. i know its too late to realize and too late to tell you how much i wish things will be like before. i can type an entire essay long about how i feel, how regretful i am but i guess that wont change anything anymore. you dont care about me anymore. whatever i say, won't affect you in anyway, anymore. what can i do now? i am not real happy when im with my new friends... they wont make me feel as happy as before, and they never will. day before yesterday, i was listening to a song that reminds me of those times when we talked on the phone everything, talkbox etc... i was near to crying. i still rmb that time you deleted bryant and leonard neo's messages and contact from my phone, just because you care, but i scolded you.. and you wanted to beat bryant up because he is a bad guy... i was so ignorant and foolish... i am sorry.
xueqi told me to call you, or face to face tell you how i really feel.

but will you feel anything now?

to: you,
im sorry for the things i've done, why i chose to change for you is because you are impt to me and i dont want to lose you. i may done it in the wrong way, but i really meant no harm and i always hoped you would take notice. and my intention would always be the same -- to let us be as before. i really want you back in my life. i've regretted. it's too late. no one's gonna read these and care anymore. thanks for being my best friend, thanks for putting in so much effort for me, and caring me.


it's all too late.