sometimes i hope sam they all will know why i dont want them to read this. i'm empty. i'm complicated. i'm just.. not good. and i don't wanna spoil that image of mine i have in them right now. i dont want any pity. i'm happy now, and i dont wanna bring up anything. i dont want them to know i'm such an empty, lousy, and fked up person. i want to continue having fun with them. and i'm afraid this might not last very long from now.

i'm starting to get used to the insignificance i have in the group, and i'm letting it go. i guess this is just what i've to eventually do. sometimes i do look back and sigh, 'i really miss those times'. i know this is useless. but i really, really do. those steamboats, fun, quarrels, indirect scoldings, care, words, pictures taken, and many many other things. and now everyone forgets them like it was a dust of wind flew thru. no one remembers me. no one cares. they have their new friends and moved on. i'm stucked here, all alone. i hate how people only find me when they need me, and forgets me when i'm not needed. what? am i your tool? apparently to them it's a yes.

i know no one cares about me already, and i'm just trying to live by myself, do things by myself. i just sigh sometimes, hoping someone will be there for me when i'm down.