Am I trying too hard? Am I? I dk why I kept thinking bout it. I feel so unfair. Some people can just disregard people's effort and still get friends around them. Why am I always the one being neglected, being thrown here and there? It isn't the fucking first time or first person! Huizhen , xueqi, Wendy, jiajun, tingwei, derrick. There were the ones who once did that to me too! Agh fuck sometimes I wish I can just dont bother anymore! I want my efforts to show results! I wanna feel significant! I wanna feel wanted! I want the care a friend should give! Are these really too much! I don't want any artificial care and concern! Just genuine care! Care because they are concerned! Not because they want something from me, not because they want my accompany, not because they pity me!  

I'm letting go. This time is real

Sometimes. I get really afraid. That jiajun's caring for me because he didn't want me to say that he's caring now, and hostile later. I'm afraid he's just forcing himself to make time for me to make me satisfied, like what tingwei did. Actually jiajun you really don't have to do this. I feel that I really owe you lots of your time. You could've spent them on people whom you are more concerned for. 

The problem is not with you, it's with me