Final draft

Hi zhenhao! Firstly happy birthday! I've things to say!

Everytime I go to JJ Lin's autograph session, I'd always leave feeling really disappointed and sad because I couldn't get a chance to take a picture with him. I still remember during youth cup, I really wanted to take a photo with you but I didn't have the courage to do so. And I left feeling disappointed and sad. I don't know why, this feeling of disappointment and sadness is the same as the feeling when I failed to take a picture with JJ lin. Perhaps to me, you're like a star, a celebrity. A person that would always remain as a fantasy, a person I would never be with no matter how much I wish. 

I had always been wondering why you never considered me. Is it because i'm not as pretty, or prettier than the girls around you? or my attitude sucks? am i not good enough? not pretty enuf? or i am too fat? to be honest, my aim for weight loss was actually to be as skinny as yaqi, bcoz i knew you had feelings for her. but i eventually couldnt achieve that, and ended up letting my body waste away. 

i know im not a great person. i am not pretty, my actions are rough (even derrick feels that he's more feminine than me!), the way i speak is annoying, i am fat, i am too stubborn. but i have been trying very hard since sec2 to become a better person and to be good enough for you. but i guess i haven't yet done it, or became worse. i don't know. 

even tho we cant be tgt, i thought we could be friends, but when i knew you blocked me off on twitter, refuse to follow me on instagram, not initiating to talk to me, i knew you didnt wanna have any connection with me. 

sometimes i really hate you for treating me this bad. however, i completely understand your purpose in doing these - was to not give me false hopes. 

but pls rmb if by ignoring and distancing from me can make me destroy every false hope I would probably have on you, i'd have given up on you 3 years back. 

so how? you might be thinking. how do u make me finally give up on u? i honestly have no idea. im sorry. 

it's ok that you dont accept me, but pls let me continue liking you. 

I know perhaps because I was never good at words to make you interested in talking to me like how you talk to other girls, so you couldn't be bothered with me when I tried to strike a conversation. But i'm always at the peak of happiness when I talk to you, before deciding to send a message my heart always beats non stop, and when I finally sent it my heart beats even faster. Haha but in the end you didn't reply! I really tried to make conversations interesting but somehow I still fail. I still remember how we used to msn almost every night. I was always the conversation starter, and your replies were like 'k', 'lol', 'no' and I still continued typing and typing. Why was I still trying so hard when it was clear that you do not have mutual feelings? Because I really really liked you. I remember waiting for you to be online so I can talk to you. I remember staying up online until you go offline. I remember using various ways to continue the conversation. I remember you sitting beside me and I was jealous when girls talked or flirted with you. And after reading back those msn conversations I realized the way I talked was just...crude and it was going nowhere. And it was also annoying. I can feel it now. I'm sorry, for being such an annoying person. I didn't mean it, I just wanted to continue the conversation. Now I understand why you avoided me. I was just too 'scary' and disgusting. I'm sorry. 

 I really wish we still talked, like you'll just acknowledge me as your friend. 

 I kept having dreams about you. You have no idea how much I want those dreams to come true. 

I have to admit some things because I felt that you should know. I am sorry to say this but I've tried various ways to make you notice me, making you hopefully have an interest in me. 

The reason I started going church was you. The reason I stopped going church was you. 

Sec3 bday I planned your celebration. 10 people was supposed to share that $45 cake but only 3 paid. I was okay with it

I once went crazy when I knew you had to take 3 strokes. I even said things like if I could I would take a stroke for you. I meant it. 

I blogged about you almost everyday in my private blog, now not so often. In sec2 it was my main blog, I guess you read it often as well. 

Some time in sec2, I once made a call to you using the public phone, when you said hello I hanged up. I just wanted to hear your voice.

In sec3 I became close to derrick because he was close to you. Now not anymore of course. 

In sec2 Facebook had a trend in which pages are named as quotes and people who liked that page it'll show on their wall. I used to like and like those pages to show those quotes to you; how I felt about you. And now I regret liking all those rubbish pages which are spamming on my timeline.

Sec 3. When I was with you alex charmaine shuanghui derrick that group, I was really attention seeking because I wanted your attention. After which I became someone everyone disliked. Jiajun drifted away from me. Shuanghui drifted away from me. Charmaine drifted away from me. 

Sec2. I was over the moon when Malini made us converse for the literature act. But when I saw your face during the act, I knew you were unwilling and wanted it to end ASAP. Everytime I go yewtee I'd think of that time we went her house to rehearse. 

Sec2. I used to put a photo of you and Royce as my desktop wallpaper because I thought you looked cute in that photo. 

Sec2. I was crazily obsessed with you. I downloaded every photo of you and had them kept in a folder in my desktop. There was over 120 photos. Haha now no more of course!!! 

Last year on the next day after prom, I woke up and saw you putting our photo as your profile picture then you had it changed back. But I  received the notification saying you set my photo as your display picture. And when I pressed that notification it's our photo. Was it a prank? Haha I really wanna know 

Till now, I am still really really envious when I see your conversations with girls. I'm not jealous, I'm just envious. Why can't I be one of them. 

I've confessed everything! You might be feeling angry now. I'm sorry I've been a burden to you these years. I hope you're happier now. 

Something I always wanted to know is that throughout these years did you have any feelings for me? Even if it was just a little bit for a short while?

Os are three days away. I still remember the bday text you sent me. Haha I was really happy when I woke up in the middle of the night seeing the text and I was thinking what to reply for a really long time. i totally did not expect it coz i rmbed staying up to wait for you to wish me last year and i ended up getting nothing from you...

but this year on the actual day i was really sad when i realized you did not wish me, i waited till i fell asleep, thinking that you wont anymore. only to see it when i woke up suddenly at 3am. (you were late). Then I felt, so what if no one celebrated my birthday with me, as long as you wished me, I don't care if no one does. 

I will work hard towards my aim. I want to get into a JC. Now I feel this goal is getting harder and harder to reach. Speaking of Os, I am really really afraid I'll fail my EL. I kept on failing paper 2 in prelims and I am super afraid the same thing will happen in Os. I heard you went from a d7 to b3 in Os. Can you help me? I'm really really afraid. Just another 3 more days to my first paper; EL. 

I'm sorry this is such a long letter I felt this is the only platform I can communicate with you!

Lastly, happy birthday!!! I hope you had a great day today! Remember to continue smiling and be happy! Take care and all the best in poly! :)