To you,

i really really miss you. and i know i owe you too much but i am still so demanding and unreasonable to demand more time from you. you're given me happiness, and its totally fine that you take back, because it wasn't even mine to begin with, i am just returning you what is rightfully yours. so why am i still blaming u for 'snatching' away my happiness by making me so miserable? i am so selfish, so greedy and so spoiled. i don't know how i am supposed to feel. angry or bad? i can scold you and blame you for making me feel attached by saying u like me and treating me so well. and in the end you just stopped talking to me, with a simple reason 'i am busy, i don't have time'. and its just like that, without any feelings you just left me alone here wondering where i should go next. you just acted like you didn't care bout me at all and don't even bother talking or caring about me anymore. i can hate you for hurting me more than zhenhao did. i can also feel bad for being angry at you when you've spent so much time on me and its for my own good. all these conflicting thoughts exist in my mind every single hour. i struggle to find a stand, but to no avail every try. this is what you've made me into.

i believe why u care for me so much and sacrifice so much for me is because you must have had feelings for me. i don't believe you can really just don't care bout me like that, i don't believe u really don't care bout me anymore. so i went to extent to spoil my body, sleep late, very little or not at all, eat unhealthily, keep chionging work. but to my disappointment (& surprise) you really, really didn't care at all. was my analysis wrong? you really don't care or you make yourself don't care?

i tried pulling myself back to zh because liking you is even more miserable than liking zh. i failed. i tried playing dota to distract myself from thinking bout all these like what u said how video games can take away pain. it really works, but only temporary and then gone when i stopped playing. i got so carried away i started playing everyday and don't bother to study. i am afraid i will retain just like that. i tried convincing myself that i don't miss you, i just miss the feeling of having someone liking and caring for me. but no... initially i did have a little feelings for u which are not as strong to classify them as 'liking you'. thats why when u started talking to me i fell in deep so quickly. i don't know if you really didn't like me, or you just don't want to commit, i miss you so darn much and i hope we can be like how we were again. if you really like me, i wont give up on u. but if u really didnt have any feelings for me but pity from the start, then i will leave and not mess up your life. 

this 6 months have been really hard on me, felt like 6 years instead. and if it has been hard on you as well, i am really really sorry for destroying your life. if you choose to ignore this and take it as nothing has happened then it is fine and understandable. because i am just this fucked up, why should i deserve to have you?