today's food during work was indian food. the super strong smell of the indian food reminded me of those times we worked in landmark hotel!  i still rmb how we always chiong work there and worked like dogs because work was really tough. but always ended up feeling damn satisfied after that. those taxi trips back home and all. the mint sauce (i recognized it immediately when i saw it) i saw today also reminded of that time when i dropped a bowl into the bin and insisted on picking it up, but sam stopped me for countless times. sometimes, i really wish for time to rewind back to those times and stop there. i guess that period of time was when i felt that i was finally not alone and out of that grp of fucked up people. and that i felt someone really cared. i miss how close we used to be, how often we went out. now... i cant even be like how i was even when everybody is there because it is so awkward when sf is around. i really miss how i can talk to sf as and when i like without feeling awkward because there was nothing between us that time. was it a mistake to let him come into my life? i dont know... but i know i tried pushing him away to avoid both of us being hurt in the end (because i think he wouldnt stay for long - which he really didnt), but he insisted in coming into my life. my life is so messed up now, like super lost and no direction at all. i dont even know what i want in life. i just study for the sake of studying, work for the sake of killing time and keeping thoughts off. i really wish someone will be there to listen and care bout me, i wish someone will give me the motivation to live my life the way i want, i wish someone will show me that there is still hope in my life. idk why i still feel so lonely after everything.

i wish that someone, will be sf again.