i know i shouldnt, but i've been thinking abt it ever since myes ended, and got some conclusions in between.

1. difference between giving up on someone and still liking someone. 

i like to think both as two different concepts. you can give up on someone by giving up the idea on being together but still like that person. because liking someone is a feeling while giving up on someone is more of an action? okkay im rlly bad at expressing what i feel but ya this is roughly how it is. i think this is how i am feeling right now? i dont rlly carry any hopes of making up but i still like him alot. like ya ofc his actions and words are still gonna affect me alot but i think i've alr given up on the idea to 'patch' back

2. the reason why he left.
i tried to think in his perspective to understand why he chose to did that (i was quite free) and i surprisingly got some conclusions. he told me he doesnt want me to wait. and that he is 'trying to let go (of me)'. most people will tell me he probably doesnt like you anymore so he just came up with excuses or say it in a way to not hurt me. when i tried thinking in his perspective he actly kind of make sense la. it's like ya he still liked me but he wasn't ready for this anytime soon so he felt that he needed a break from these until he is ready? scrolling thru his insta can probably see what are his priorities; npcc, alvlvs, friends etc...so he prob isnt ready for a r/s. and the reason why he doesnt want me to wait is because he doesn't know when he will be ready, and it is unfair to let me wait when he doesnt even know how long i'll have to wait so he felt that it's better that he let me go

3. whats next?

i believe what he has done is the best for both of us la. altho i am damn sad and i really like him but that doesnt mean i can cling to him. i cant be selfish.... i just hope if we were meant to be, someday we will make it somehow. i think i will only be damn damn damn sad if hes gonna get a gf in the next few month (even after As) sigh

4. is not contacting him better?
its weird/ironic how after this "breakup" i seem to know him better, and see alot of things clearer...is like him showing me who he really is as a person. i dont know why , but i feel tht he is really mean to me? not in real life but more of in text. but sometimes real life also la. like i texted him to jiayou he can just blue tick no reply? i felt so shitty la. and his replies are either one word or none. friends?? is this how you even treat a friend agh. and sometimes in real life you just like say things that make me sad 'i dont want to know', 'orh thn idw see' (but most of the times you are v nice la idk why text and rl so damn diff) i think its better tht i cut off connection (like dont text him AT ALL) with him la like dont fucking do anything because i dont know why this negative impression of him is starting to form in my mind, and negative is not hate but sad. the sad memories are going to overwrite the happy memories..... i am so fucking afraid someday i will forget all the happy memories because its filled with sad memories. i dont want that man.. i want to look back and feel happy abt those things we did and how happy i was and how much i liked him and gave what i could. i dont want our memories to be filled with tears, mostly from my side because i was hurt so badly. i was to think back and feel happy, and not ended up with saying '他留给我的回忆都是流着眼泪的。' perhaps it true, 不再见是为了保留你最好的终点 - words that perfectly describe this. keep the happy and good memories of him, and dont create any negative ones. i want to keep the version of you that is good and nice, at least in my memories.