Jiajun talked to me today. And it's just strange because he didn't talk to me usually. Today he started. And he asked why I look so sian, why I etc etc., he asked me questions like he cared about me. What's with this sudden change? Like he don't really talk to me and now he suddenly talk to me? 忽冷忽热 again? Why?! Or did he read this blog? So he start to pity me? Why does his attitude towards me change so fast? From hostile to caring. How? And when he asked me questions and cared about me, I answered hostilely and tried to avoid.. What am I actually doing? I knew I wanted his attention :(
seriously what the fuck did I just typed. No no no I can't have this thought.

Leonard also started to give me some attention. I think he read this blog.
Damn, I just can't be sure. When someone treats me good, I will think, either they need something from me, or they pity me. I don't want pity.

The neck traction exercises are just intensive. The pain is unbearable. It's not the weight but the amount of time. Adding one minute per day is no joke. I wonder how long can I ever take.

Happiness, is just not in me anymore.
Darkness, is all I see.

Xueqi asked me what's wrong. I don't know what's this thing preventing me from opening up to her. I told no one about my condition, as in everything, the process, the things I have to go thru. I told some who asked about my condition. They'll be just, oh then how? Are you alright? Wah.... Blah blah blah. And after that conversation there's no more. No. More. They hear, they don't listen. Actually Xueqi knows about my back condition, it's just the way I face it, and the way I feel towards it. Because on the contrary I talk about like its nth. But the things I have to go through is just tiring. Tiring. I don't know how can I open up to people anymore. This protective wall I've built is getting higher.
I'm sorry Xueqi. I won't want to lose you. But every action I'm doing now, is pushing you further away. I don't know why I find it hard to tell you what's on my mind. It's not that I don't trust you. I just can't find the right words to say. Or perhaps I'm still a bit of unhappy that we once drifted coz you had better friends. That I feel you shouldn't care about me coz I'm nothing now.
Sometimes, I wish she will know why am I always so quiet when I'm with them. If the reason is plainly because of my back, I won't be laughing and joking with i'm Wendy they all.
I feel left out.

Zhenhao, sometimes I really wish you're here.