sf didn't talk to me today. i feel so empty, and terrible. it's like, why the sudden ignorance? i really don't understand! i am afraid of losing him. why at the moment when i am ready to accept him, he slips out of my life? fuck this. i shouldn't have taken him for granted when he was still stuck to me. when he says he like me, i'd just say you are crazy. when he asked me to accept him, i just told him i dont think i am ready. i told him i am afraid i'll take him as zh's substitute, he said he don't mind being his substitute. i told him people always leave me in the end, no one really stays. he said he will never leave. (and i think he is doing it now). he understands me more than i know myself. he takes note of all the smallest details; the food i dislike and like. there was a time where a group of us went to a jap restaurant to eat, i ordered baked seafood. i thought it was baked rice so i ordered it. then sf saw my dish and exchanged his ramen with mine, because he knew i wouldn't eat 80% of the food inside my dish. he treats me really really well. i've told him several times to not treat me so well. i told him this only because i was afraid i'll like him. i only told this to jj before, now sf. i got a strong feeling he will be another person where i will look back and realise 'we once felt the same!' i dont want this. i can still change it now. but i am afraid that i am bothering him.

i didn't accept him then because i didn't know if i still have feelings for zh. it was fading. but i was afraid  i will let go of someone i really really like and lose grip of this r/s, like me and jj. i don't want him to be another one that i'll regret not grabbing.

until i sort out my thoughts and decided, yes, the person i like is sf and he is not zh's substitute, he suddenly stopped talking to me (today). i feel so terrible. i feel more terrible than how zh has hurt me. this is when i realise he isn't zh's sub.

i am officially over zh. but i've fallen in love with someone i think we wont make it.


fuck this la.  i think i will start psycho-ing myself that the person i like is zh, so i wont feel so terrible.